Still no official date but I'm dating myself at 5weeks.
We had our first scan this afternoon. Lovely dildo-cam action, There is one gestational sac, one yolk sac and a teensy tiny little bright spot that will turn into our little nugget. It was awesome and surreal but I still don't feel pregnant...
I had this overwhelming feeling this morning that I was going to go to the scan, it would be an empty womb and they'd lock me up for insanity because I'd made up the whole thing. Guessing hormones are nice and active....
ANNNNNND not only did I ovulate (which dr didn't think I did) BUT it came from my right ovary!!! So looks like meatwad didn't ruin that ovary afterall!!! So that's exciting.
I go back again in 3 weeks to hopefully see more and even maybe a heartbeat!!
Still no morning sickness and this hunger is getting REAL.. I mean I'm STARVING all the time.. only up 1lb though because I'm stuffing my face with healthy choices... let's see how long that lasts.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Spray painted chairs and other fun furniture
I guess if I was going to title my blog that, I should have taken pictures. Too bad, I didn't you'll have to use your imagination.
KCIA support group met again last night. There were lots of new people so we needed a bigger space. The church we meet at gave us their youth room and WOW was it cool!! They had fun mismatched furniture including 2 vinyl arm chairs they spray painted in bright green and bright blue. The coffee table was an old door and it had twinkle lights!
I'm pretty sure any infertility meeting should have twinkle lights.
It was a good meeting. It was nice to get to meet some new people. I still feel like a fraud though, I mean, I'm just gearing up to start my treatment and there are women there that have been at this for 10 years!!!! I'm learning a lot though so that's good.
On my way home I started having some pain on my right side then at 3am I woke up doubled over in pain... I was so worried it was a cyst or something but it just turned out to be gas.
I'm not overthinking things or anything lately, I promise.
Boobs still hurt and are HUGE, like falling out of my bras huge. I figured I'd start cramping by now but haven't yet. I just need AF to hurry her ass up so we can start on this baby making meds!!!
-h
KCIA support group met again last night. There were lots of new people so we needed a bigger space. The church we meet at gave us their youth room and WOW was it cool!! They had fun mismatched furniture including 2 vinyl arm chairs they spray painted in bright green and bright blue. The coffee table was an old door and it had twinkle lights!
I'm pretty sure any infertility meeting should have twinkle lights.
It was a good meeting. It was nice to get to meet some new people. I still feel like a fraud though, I mean, I'm just gearing up to start my treatment and there are women there that have been at this for 10 years!!!! I'm learning a lot though so that's good.
On my way home I started having some pain on my right side then at 3am I woke up doubled over in pain... I was so worried it was a cyst or something but it just turned out to be gas.
I'm not overthinking things or anything lately, I promise.
Boobs still hurt and are HUGE, like falling out of my bras huge. I figured I'd start cramping by now but haven't yet. I just need AF to hurry her ass up so we can start on this baby making meds!!!
-h
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Results are in
CD21 test came back... Progesterone was 1.3 so just as I suspected, I didn't ovulate. Yay for paying $60 for something I already knew.
Called the RE that my Dr was sending hubs to for his SA like 6 times last week with no answer, finally left a message. Still haven't gotten a call back so when my Dr. called with results, I asked what to do. They referred me to a different clinic and it's the one I want to go to anyway! So this is good news, hubs won't have to do a second one if/when we have to go there. His appointment is on Tuesday. He's not exactly thrilled about the change in clinics because instead of taking his sample in and dropping it off, he gets to do it there. Performing under pressure is NOT his strong suit. We'll see how it goes.
I think I'm going to call the RE and see about getting in, find out how much the initial consult will be and then stick with my Dr and do a round or two of Clomid if there's a wait or if it's going to be more than we want to pull out of savings right now. However, that might change at any time.
Called the RE that my Dr was sending hubs to for his SA like 6 times last week with no answer, finally left a message. Still haven't gotten a call back so when my Dr. called with results, I asked what to do. They referred me to a different clinic and it's the one I want to go to anyway! So this is good news, hubs won't have to do a second one if/when we have to go there. His appointment is on Tuesday. He's not exactly thrilled about the change in clinics because instead of taking his sample in and dropping it off, he gets to do it there. Performing under pressure is NOT his strong suit. We'll see how it goes.
I think I'm going to call the RE and see about getting in, find out how much the initial consult will be and then stick with my Dr and do a round or two of Clomid if there's a wait or if it's going to be more than we want to pull out of savings right now. However, that might change at any time.
Friday, April 18, 2014
I'm feeling... weird
My battery died on my thermometer and I forgot to get a new one so I'm not temping this cycle. And since I'm not temping, I've decided to not track anything.
So here I am, CD11 with no idea where my cervix is, what type of mucus it's got, what my temps are, or what my "symptoms" were yesterday.
Have I had this headache for 2 days or 3? Couldn't tell you, not on my chart.
In 10 days I go in for my blood work and on the 29th Hubs takes his sample to the lab. So this cycle we're just winging it.
And to keep myself calm(ish) I've piled the work on myself and I've kept busy. I'm not spending all day on twitter or reading blogs so please forgive me if I've missed a big announcement of yours. I promise, it's not personal. I've been catching up (ish) on blogs when I have time but I'm probably behind.
It's weird, not doing anything. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern until we get results back, until I decide on an RE and make an appointment.
Until then, we wait.
- h
So here I am, CD11 with no idea where my cervix is, what type of mucus it's got, what my temps are, or what my "symptoms" were yesterday.
Have I had this headache for 2 days or 3? Couldn't tell you, not on my chart.
In 10 days I go in for my blood work and on the 29th Hubs takes his sample to the lab. So this cycle we're just winging it.
And to keep myself calm(ish) I've piled the work on myself and I've kept busy. I'm not spending all day on twitter or reading blogs so please forgive me if I've missed a big announcement of yours. I promise, it's not personal. I've been catching up (ish) on blogs when I have time but I'm probably behind.
It's weird, not doing anything. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern until we get results back, until I decide on an RE and make an appointment.
Until then, we wait.
- h
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Support Groups and Old Faces
I've been meaning to update but I've been busy at work so I've been lazy at home!
Monday night I went to a meeting for the local infertility support group. It was so great to have everyone in the room truly understand what I'm going through. It was strange to see a girl I went to high school with stroll through the door but it was nice as well.
The Kansas City Infertility Awareness Foundation has been going on for about 4 years and on Monday I met a couple of the founders. They are so awesome and have so much knowledge and aren't afraid to share it which is great! I found myself still feeling a little like a fraud since I'm so early in the journey but they did so much to help me feel welcome.
Another awesome thing they do besides these monthly meetings, is put on a conference each year! From what I understand it's pretty amazing. All the local RE's have booths there so you can meet with their staff, chat a little about their offices and make a better decision on who to pick. I really like that. They also have several speakers that will be speaking on things like IVF, PCOS, Male Factor, etc. It looks like it's going to be great. I really wish hubs could come but he works the night before and the night of. Mom works too so I guess I'm going alone. Oh well, such is life.
Anyway... that's my "update" for now. There's not much going on until I go get my bloodwork on the 28th..
Monday night I went to a meeting for the local infertility support group. It was so great to have everyone in the room truly understand what I'm going through. It was strange to see a girl I went to high school with stroll through the door but it was nice as well.
The Kansas City Infertility Awareness Foundation has been going on for about 4 years and on Monday I met a couple of the founders. They are so awesome and have so much knowledge and aren't afraid to share it which is great! I found myself still feeling a little like a fraud since I'm so early in the journey but they did so much to help me feel welcome.
Another awesome thing they do besides these monthly meetings, is put on a conference each year! From what I understand it's pretty amazing. All the local RE's have booths there so you can meet with their staff, chat a little about their offices and make a better decision on who to pick. I really like that. They also have several speakers that will be speaking on things like IVF, PCOS, Male Factor, etc. It looks like it's going to be great. I really wish hubs could come but he works the night before and the night of. Mom works too so I guess I'm going alone. Oh well, such is life.
Anyway... that's my "update" for now. There's not much going on until I go get my bloodwork on the 28th..
Thursday, April 10, 2014
I don't do sick
I'm not a very good sick person. I don't like feeling crummy and it makes me kind of a whiney bitch.
Monday night I went to bed early like 830pm early because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Last night was the same. I was exhausted and I felt like crap and I had a fever. YUCK! I hate having a fever. I run cold anyway so 100 degrees for me is like MY EYEBALLS ARE ON FIRE SHOOT ME NOW!
I went to bed. Woke up wide awake at 230am finally went back to sleep around 5am. and got up to work from home at 9. I'm miserable. My head is foggy, I have a cough and my eyeballs hurt from being hot.
I want a blankie and my mommy and a nap.
Plus N and I got in a fight last night about treatment. He's got a couple issues from what I can see, one is money, he's really really really concerned about the amount of money we'll spend on the chance at a child.
The other is the level of treatments he's ok with. Right now that list is really really short. Like not even including IUI because it's "weird". I'm really hoping he opens his mind a little because right now, since we don't have any idea what we'll need to do, we don't have many options at all.
This is a pain in the ass and makes me hate people that just have sex and get pregnant.
Monday night I went to bed early like 830pm early because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Last night was the same. I was exhausted and I felt like crap and I had a fever. YUCK! I hate having a fever. I run cold anyway so 100 degrees for me is like MY EYEBALLS ARE ON FIRE SHOOT ME NOW!
I went to bed. Woke up wide awake at 230am finally went back to sleep around 5am. and got up to work from home at 9. I'm miserable. My head is foggy, I have a cough and my eyeballs hurt from being hot.
I want a blankie and my mommy and a nap.
Plus N and I got in a fight last night about treatment. He's got a couple issues from what I can see, one is money, he's really really really concerned about the amount of money we'll spend on the chance at a child.
The other is the level of treatments he's ok with. Right now that list is really really short. Like not even including IUI because it's "weird". I'm really hoping he opens his mind a little because right now, since we don't have any idea what we'll need to do, we don't have many options at all.
This is a pain in the ass and makes me hate people that just have sex and get pregnant.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
First appointment update
Well I'm not super happy with how my appointment went. First of all let me say I love my OB/GYN, I've been going to him for as long as I can remember and usually, his calm/cool/collected demeanor is refreshing but this time, not so much.
He basically ignored the fact I've been charting for the last few cycles. He seemed rather unconcerned with the fact that my average cycle is over 35 days, with most being in the 40+ range. "Not ovulating every month is fairly common" Yeah, but not ovulating MOST of the months isn't... Ovulating on day 28+ ISN'T NORMAL. Basically all he wants to do is a SA for Hubs (that gets sent to an RE that's about 40 mins away... Hubs is NOT happy about that) and a CD21 panel for me to "see if I'm ovulating". Look fucker, I can tell you right now I'm not, and if I am it's late and I surge multiple times before I finally do... so let's skip the baby step bull shit and get down to business. This isn't like a game of Monopoly where you just play and play until someone wins... this game has a sand timer and a fucking buzzer each time your turn is up.
Oh and I asked him about his thoughts on Clomid vs Femara... he looked at me like I had 4 heads. He said "plenty of women have gotten pregnant on Clomid and it's cheaper" I specifically asked about lining issues he said he thought they were "grossly exaggerated". Now I'm pissy and taking that kind of personally for all my new found friend that DID have lining issues on Clomid.
Mom went with me to the appt, I'm really glad she did but at one point said that she thought I was too worried and if maybe connecting with people that have been struggling with this for years might be doing more harm than good. Mom has Hashimoto's disease that was recently FINALLY diagnosed. I asked her, point blank, "If you had access to multiple people that were struggling with this disease for YEARS longer than you, that had already taken every drug, ran every test, seen every doctor, wouldn't you listen to them? Wouldn't you want the same tests ran? Because even if the problem isn't the same, it's something that can be crossed off the list that COULD be the problem. And when you're living on borrowed time, why not start at the top and work your way down instead of starting at the bottom and taking the long route?"
I think a light bulb clicked with her then.
So I'll be scoping out RE's this month. I just joined up with the local Infertility Awareness group and they're actually doing a conference this month so I'll have to find someone to cover soccer for me. I'm going. The 4 RE's here in town will have booths there to help answer questions. Hopefully we figure something out.
He basically ignored the fact I've been charting for the last few cycles. He seemed rather unconcerned with the fact that my average cycle is over 35 days, with most being in the 40+ range. "Not ovulating every month is fairly common" Yeah, but not ovulating MOST of the months isn't... Ovulating on day 28+ ISN'T NORMAL. Basically all he wants to do is a SA for Hubs (that gets sent to an RE that's about 40 mins away... Hubs is NOT happy about that) and a CD21 panel for me to "see if I'm ovulating". Look fucker, I can tell you right now I'm not, and if I am it's late and I surge multiple times before I finally do... so let's skip the baby step bull shit and get down to business. This isn't like a game of Monopoly where you just play and play until someone wins... this game has a sand timer and a fucking buzzer each time your turn is up.
Oh and I asked him about his thoughts on Clomid vs Femara... he looked at me like I had 4 heads. He said "plenty of women have gotten pregnant on Clomid and it's cheaper" I specifically asked about lining issues he said he thought they were "grossly exaggerated". Now I'm pissy and taking that kind of personally for all my new found friend that DID have lining issues on Clomid.
Mom went with me to the appt, I'm really glad she did but at one point said that she thought I was too worried and if maybe connecting with people that have been struggling with this for years might be doing more harm than good. Mom has Hashimoto's disease that was recently FINALLY diagnosed. I asked her, point blank, "If you had access to multiple people that were struggling with this disease for YEARS longer than you, that had already taken every drug, ran every test, seen every doctor, wouldn't you listen to them? Wouldn't you want the same tests ran? Because even if the problem isn't the same, it's something that can be crossed off the list that COULD be the problem. And when you're living on borrowed time, why not start at the top and work your way down instead of starting at the bottom and taking the long route?"
I think a light bulb clicked with her then.
So I'll be scoping out RE's this month. I just joined up with the local Infertility Awareness group and they're actually doing a conference this month so I'll have to find someone to cover soccer for me. I'm going. The 4 RE's here in town will have booths there to help answer questions. Hopefully we figure something out.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
New beginnings
It really sounds much more pleasant than it is. A new beginning in my world means violent mood swings, random bouts of tears, zits on my chin, feeling like my uterus is in a vice, and something that rivals a B horror film when I go to the bathroom...
That's right ladies, CD1 is upon us. I'm not really THAT sad about it. I'm actually ok since tomorrow is the "How the fuck are we going to make me a baby" appointment and I figure that starting fresh will mean that any testing that needs done can just get done that much sooner. I did realize that this cycle was my last chance to birth a child in 2014. That's weird to think about.
That's right ladies, CD1 is upon us. I'm not really THAT sad about it. I'm actually ok since tomorrow is the "How the fuck are we going to make me a baby" appointment and I figure that starting fresh will mean that any testing that needs done can just get done that much sooner. I did realize that this cycle was my last chance to birth a child in 2014. That's weird to think about.
- 2015, year of the sheep... Guess that kid's getting off easier than me (year of the rat).
- This kid will graduate high school in/around 2033 (are you reading this?!?!?!)
- My grandparents will likely not live to see this child graduate high school (If grandpa makes it to 99 though, I'll be THRILLED)
- These are the things this kid will wear to "retro" parties
It's a strange thing, time. It doesn't wait for us at all but we count on it so much.
Here's to a whole shit ton of 2015, year of the sheep babies for all of us!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
OMG, I can't believe I forgot to tell you!!!
Newborn baby friend from this post text me last night to ask about random friend from the past. Random past friend posted something about mom and baby doing fine on his facebook and she was curious who he had a kid with... Hell if I know, I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. Regardless, Here's how the texts went:
Mind you, I haven't gotten a text or phone call from her since before that kid was BORN
(at this point I was pretty sure she didn't really care but decided to humor her (and maybe bait her a little))
(Cue the awwwww snap)
And that was the end of the conversation.
Mind you, I haven't gotten a text or phone call from her since before that kid was BORN
A: "So who is C having a baby with?"
Me: I have no idea. We don't see him much anymore
A: Oh, ok. How are you?
(at this point I was pretty sure she didn't really care but decided to humor her (and maybe bait her a little))
Me: Eh, I'm ok
A: What's up? I never get to sleep more than 3 hours at a time
Me: Yeah, well I'm going to have to go through fertility treatments to have that problem
(Cue the awwwww snap)
A: What?!?
A: :(
Me: Yep, totally broken. I have a Dr appt on the 9th to see where we start
A: I'm so sorry! Let me know if I can do anything
Me: Thanks, right now it's just a lot of waiting. It's pretty scary actually
And that was the end of the conversation.
How well do you know your body?
Seriously, think about it. How much tracking have you done of every single flipping thing in the last 3 months? 6 months? Year?
If I asked you what your "symptoms" were on the 5th day of your cycle could you conjure up some chart, some app, some notebook that would tell you?
Do know you exactly what your O pain feels like? What position your cervix is in right before you start your period?
If asked, could you produce the EXACT dates of your last years of cycles? I know I can. I've been tracking for a long, long time.
I started well before I was TCC. And it started slow, just tracking my periods every month. Then I started tracking when I did the deed (no shit, I can tell you the exact dates I've had sex for the last 6 years, well I could, before my stupid phone crapped out, now I have to cross fingers I got that backed up to my SD card recently)
Then came symptoms. I was irregular so I thought maybe if I can remember exactly what days I started getting gassy, or crampy or my boobs felt like they had swollen up the size of my head, then maybe I could better predict when I'd start. Nothing to do with TTC, more about making sure I packed tampons when I needed them.
Then came the temping, every single morning I roll over and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I do anything else, I record it and usually fall back asleep until I can't waste anymore time without skipping a shower for work (and I've done it, I love my bed)
So now I have all this data and it's done me abso-fucking-lutely NO GOOD.
None of these things has helped me get pregnant. So is it a waste of time? Maybe. But I feel like I can control that. So I'll continue doing it until I just can't take it anymore.
It's awesome to know so much more about myself but it also makes me extremely jealous of people how just get pregnant. My little sister was like 16 weeks along when she found out... SIXTEEN WEEKS.
I start taking tests like 10dpo. How can you not know.. or at least suspect something for 16 weeks?!?!
It blows my mind.
Oh FF says I'm 7dpo, I had a huge temp spike today. Could mean a couple of things. A) I didn't O 7 days ago but O'd yesterday. B) I did O 7 days ago and implanted yesterday and will have one of the coveted triphasic charts C) I was hot last night
-h
If I asked you what your "symptoms" were on the 5th day of your cycle could you conjure up some chart, some app, some notebook that would tell you?
Do know you exactly what your O pain feels like? What position your cervix is in right before you start your period?
If asked, could you produce the EXACT dates of your last years of cycles? I know I can. I've been tracking for a long, long time.
I started well before I was TCC. And it started slow, just tracking my periods every month. Then I started tracking when I did the deed (no shit, I can tell you the exact dates I've had sex for the last 6 years, well I could, before my stupid phone crapped out, now I have to cross fingers I got that backed up to my SD card recently)
Then came symptoms. I was irregular so I thought maybe if I can remember exactly what days I started getting gassy, or crampy or my boobs felt like they had swollen up the size of my head, then maybe I could better predict when I'd start. Nothing to do with TTC, more about making sure I packed tampons when I needed them.
Then came the temping, every single morning I roll over and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I do anything else, I record it and usually fall back asleep until I can't waste anymore time without skipping a shower for work (and I've done it, I love my bed)
So now I have all this data and it's done me abso-fucking-lutely NO GOOD.
None of these things has helped me get pregnant. So is it a waste of time? Maybe. But I feel like I can control that. So I'll continue doing it until I just can't take it anymore.
It's awesome to know so much more about myself but it also makes me extremely jealous of people how just get pregnant. My little sister was like 16 weeks along when she found out... SIXTEEN WEEKS.
I start taking tests like 10dpo. How can you not know.. or at least suspect something for 16 weeks?!?!
It blows my mind.
Oh FF says I'm 7dpo, I had a huge temp spike today. Could mean a couple of things. A) I didn't O 7 days ago but O'd yesterday. B) I did O 7 days ago and implanted yesterday and will have one of the coveted triphasic charts C) I was hot last night
-h
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
It's all about the numbers and super cute bags
Nothing fun from me on April Fool's Day.. I'm super lame like that.
Today is 6dpo according to FF, with SOLID crosshairs might I add. Though my temps are still lower than last cycle so I'm leery. It's also 8 days until my dr appointment, which means my 2WW will/should end then. So, that could be fun. Maybe, probably not.
I have no symptoms. Nothing, nada, zilch. and last time, that meant I hadn't ACTUALLY ovulated, that FF was a big fat liar face. I'm attempting to keep hubs on a reg bd schedule just in case.. we'll see how that goes.
Oh, I'm having a Thirty-One bags catalog party (and by catalog, I mean online... SAVE THE TREES)
So, if you are familiar with their bags and need something, check it out, buy through my party and I'll love you forever (make sure you spend the extra for direct shipping as me hand delivering probably isn't an option)
If you HAVEN'T ever seen Thirty-One bags... click on over and empty your wallets. Seriously, adorable, super helpful shit over here!
LINK TO PARTY
Today is 6dpo according to FF, with SOLID crosshairs might I add. Though my temps are still lower than last cycle so I'm leery. It's also 8 days until my dr appointment, which means my 2WW will/should end then. So, that could be fun. Maybe, probably not.
I have no symptoms. Nothing, nada, zilch. and last time, that meant I hadn't ACTUALLY ovulated, that FF was a big fat liar face. I'm attempting to keep hubs on a reg bd schedule just in case.. we'll see how that goes.
Oh, I'm having a Thirty-One bags catalog party (and by catalog, I mean online... SAVE THE TREES)
So, if you are familiar with their bags and need something, check it out, buy through my party and I'll love you forever (make sure you spend the extra for direct shipping as me hand delivering probably isn't an option)
If you HAVEN'T ever seen Thirty-One bags... click on over and empty your wallets. Seriously, adorable, super helpful shit over here!
LINK TO PARTY
Monday, March 31, 2014
Bad Blogger
As it turns out, I'm not that great of a blogger, especially when there isn't much to report! I'm counting down the days (9.5) until my doc appt to figure out where we go next. Today is CD26 and my handy dandy little app is trying to tell me it's also 5dpo. I'm not real convinced. My temps are lower than they were post ovulation last cycle by .5 or more but based on other signs like CM and CP. I've got solid crosshairs. Good news is, we managed to get a couple "sessions" in during that fertile window so IF it is right, we have a chance. I'm not getting my hopes up though.
The end of last week was incredibly busy at work. I mean like didn't have time to eat lunch busy and then my child free friend came to town and stayed the weekend at my house which means I'm about 5 days behind in catching up and reading all your blogs. I promise I'll catch up as soon as I can!!
I had a good lunch with my other bestie (the one with three kiddos) on Saturday. I was so relieved she didn't take me turning her down last weekend personally, I had been really torn up about it. We sat and chatted for about an hour just catching up and I aired a little of my frustration with the whole situation. It was nice to have someone just listen. And to hear her ask sincerely, "Well what do you need from me?" felt great. Even though there isn't anything she can do but listen, to know the offer is there warms my heart.
Oh, I coached soccer on Saturday. Somehow I got wrangled in to coaching 2 teams again this season so I have a 3-5yr old team and a 1st and 2nd grade team. They are great! Well most of them. I have this kid on my little team that's just an asshole. I really hate calling a 4 yr old an asshole but he is! He doesn't play well as a team, he's mean to the other kids, he's whiny, he talks back to me and his mom just sits there and plays on her phone. It's so frustrating!! Either way, both teams won! I was really proud of them.
So that's my update, sorry it's not more interesting :)
-h
The end of last week was incredibly busy at work. I mean like didn't have time to eat lunch busy and then my child free friend came to town and stayed the weekend at my house which means I'm about 5 days behind in catching up and reading all your blogs. I promise I'll catch up as soon as I can!!
I had a good lunch with my other bestie (the one with three kiddos) on Saturday. I was so relieved she didn't take me turning her down last weekend personally, I had been really torn up about it. We sat and chatted for about an hour just catching up and I aired a little of my frustration with the whole situation. It was nice to have someone just listen. And to hear her ask sincerely, "Well what do you need from me?" felt great. Even though there isn't anything she can do but listen, to know the offer is there warms my heart.
Oh, I coached soccer on Saturday. Somehow I got wrangled in to coaching 2 teams again this season so I have a 3-5yr old team and a 1st and 2nd grade team. They are great! Well most of them. I have this kid on my little team that's just an asshole. I really hate calling a 4 yr old an asshole but he is! He doesn't play well as a team, he's mean to the other kids, he's whiny, he talks back to me and his mom just sits there and plays on her phone. It's so frustrating!! Either way, both teams won! I was really proud of them.
So that's my update, sorry it's not more interesting :)
-h
Monday, March 24, 2014
I had a helluva weekend
First off thank you to everyone who commented and tweeted me during my breakdowns on Friday, your support means the world to me because I know that these feelings are not abnormal! It's hard to find people in your "real" life who understand the complex emotions that go with this struggle and to have that through my online presence is huge.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
I mean seriously.. how cute are they?
We talked a little more about all the options we may be faced with coming up. He seems more open now that he understands but is still ok with being child-free if that's what happens. I guess that's ok, I mean if he's already open to the possibility, I don't have to worry about letting him down.
Speaking of all thinks baby-making. Today is CD19 and my temps are all over the place. I haven't ovulated yet but I'm having all the "fertile time" symptoms. We'll continue doing the deed as often as we can in hopes that we catch the egg but frankly, I don't have high hopes for this cycle.
I'm really interested to meet with my Dr and see what he thinks the cause of my late/non-existent ovulation stems from. I'm kind of torn on this subject as well. Part of me wants to really look into the CAUSE of this and part of me just wants to fix the symptoms (and get pregnant). I know that if we detirmine the root cause, I could most likely get pregnant without ART (provided it's something "fixable" like hormones) BUT the other part of me says "Why the fuck are you wasting your precious time, just artificially make your body do what it's supposed to and put a baby in me now before I cause more havoc"
-h
P.S. I found my nose ring between the bedframe and the wall. That made me happy too :)
Friday, March 21, 2014
Fuck this day
I'm having an awful day.. and it started last night. I've got all the signs that I'm getting close to Oing.. will I or won't I is the question but hubs has been stressed and is having trouble... ahem... performing. Well that's not entirely true. The performance is great, it's the finale that never comes. (pun totally intended)
And let's get serious.. when you have fertile CM, a high open cervix... that's the only part that matters!! I try not to let my disappointment show, I don't want to hurt his feelings but it's very difficult. The window is so small and there are already odds stacked against us and that's even before you account for the fact that I may or may not even end up ovulating. I'm not mad or upset with HIM, just with the situation in general. This, of course, started a heated discussion.
I'm upset that I don't feel like he's vested in this. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, how much work it is. How scary it is. Even when I tell him he's so blase about the whole thing. He told me last night that he's "fine with having a kid and fine if we don't". That really caught me off guard. I tried to explain that child-free is forever, like we can't change our minds in 10 years and just have a baby. He said he understands that, but to me, where I am right now, that's unfathomable. (please note, I intend absolutely NO disrespect to those who have chosen to live child free, regardless of what lead them to that choice, it's just not for me at this point)
I talked about my next steps, going to the Dr in a couple weeks, most likely moving to Clomid (or Femara) and what that would entail. I explained that it would be devastating to me if we spent the money/time on a medicated cycle and then he couldn't "do his part". Honestly, I felt awful telling him that, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest. That is the truth. I don't want to take medicines, be monitored, possibly have to take more meds to trigger and then he not pull his weight in the process. Does that make me an awful person, maybe. But we've all thought it.
I explained to him that there is a limited number of cycles we can do like that, and that IUI would most likely be the next step. He didn't know what it was so I explained... you play happy time into a cup, they put it in me with a turkey baster (ok, it's a lot more medical than that but you get the gist). He said "I don't want to do that, that's weird" I started crying. He said "Of course I'll probably do it because that's what you want" I cried harder.
Hubs has never been an emotional guy, he's not a feelings talker but is it so hard for you to just SAY that WE want it? Because then my brain spirals into all the "what if he doesn't want this" "Am I forcing him to do something he doesn't want?" "what if it does work and he hates me forever?" (Brains are great at hyperbole) He was reassuring that if he didn't want to do this, we wouldn't even be talking about it, but that doesn't really help.
He said IVF is off the table. We won't go in to debt on the gamble of having a child (which by nature would just cost us more money) I'm heartbroken. I know there is a ways to go before we have to make that decision, but to hear him put it so bluntly is gut wrenching. I hope that he'll change his mind.
This is getting much longer than intended. So if you've made it this far, congrats and thank you. I'm off to go sit in my car and cry some more so my co-workers don't think I'm insane. I need to get that goldfish bowl
And let's get serious.. when you have fertile CM, a high open cervix... that's the only part that matters!! I try not to let my disappointment show, I don't want to hurt his feelings but it's very difficult. The window is so small and there are already odds stacked against us and that's even before you account for the fact that I may or may not even end up ovulating. I'm not mad or upset with HIM, just with the situation in general. This, of course, started a heated discussion.
I'm upset that I don't feel like he's vested in this. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, how much work it is. How scary it is. Even when I tell him he's so blase about the whole thing. He told me last night that he's "fine with having a kid and fine if we don't". That really caught me off guard. I tried to explain that child-free is forever, like we can't change our minds in 10 years and just have a baby. He said he understands that, but to me, where I am right now, that's unfathomable. (please note, I intend absolutely NO disrespect to those who have chosen to live child free, regardless of what lead them to that choice, it's just not for me at this point)
I talked about my next steps, going to the Dr in a couple weeks, most likely moving to Clomid (or Femara) and what that would entail. I explained that it would be devastating to me if we spent the money/time on a medicated cycle and then he couldn't "do his part". Honestly, I felt awful telling him that, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest. That is the truth. I don't want to take medicines, be monitored, possibly have to take more meds to trigger and then he not pull his weight in the process. Does that make me an awful person, maybe. But we've all thought it.
I explained to him that there is a limited number of cycles we can do like that, and that IUI would most likely be the next step. He didn't know what it was so I explained... you play happy time into a cup, they put it in me with a turkey baster (ok, it's a lot more medical than that but you get the gist). He said "I don't want to do that, that's weird" I started crying. He said "Of course I'll probably do it because that's what you want" I cried harder.
Hubs has never been an emotional guy, he's not a feelings talker but is it so hard for you to just SAY that WE want it? Because then my brain spirals into all the "what if he doesn't want this" "Am I forcing him to do something he doesn't want?" "what if it does work and he hates me forever?" (Brains are great at hyperbole) He was reassuring that if he didn't want to do this, we wouldn't even be talking about it, but that doesn't really help.
He said IVF is off the table. We won't go in to debt on the gamble of having a child (which by nature would just cost us more money) I'm heartbroken. I know there is a ways to go before we have to make that decision, but to hear him put it so bluntly is gut wrenching. I hope that he'll change his mind.
This is getting much longer than intended. So if you've made it this far, congrats and thank you. I'm off to go sit in my car and cry some more so my co-workers don't think I'm insane. I need to get that goldfish bowl
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Weightloss update 3/20
Well I started the week (Sunday) at 181lbs.. this morning I was at 177!!! I'm elated! I feel great and I should have no problem meeting the goal I set for myself which was 170 by my dr appointment on 4/9. I have 20 days to lose 7lbs. That's less than .5 lbs /day which is about 2.3 lbs per week. A very reasonable goal.
This week has been good, I'm following the meal plan I talked about here. I'm eating a TON of food. I mean 3 meals and 2 snacks each day. Annnnnnd by breakfast includes chocolate so you really can't go wrong there. I think this is going to work out just fine. The food has been great for the most part. Only 1 recipe that I probably won't repeat (honey mustard salmon doesn't reheat well and when you meal prep days in advance, that's important!)
People at work make fun of my giant lunch box.. I don't care, it's working for me and that's all that matters.
On the baby making front.. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I thought I had O'd and missed the egg since hubs was at work and we hadn't gotten down in a few days... I may have mentioned getting a little rapey with him last night. But my erratic temps were back down this am so I'm not concerned about missing the egg.. but at CD15 with no ovulation makes me think this is either going to be another looooong cycle (last cycle was 50days with O occurring on CD36) or this could be another anovulatory cycle (which Dr suspects happens about every 3rd cycle with me but hasn't been confirmed yet). Either way I go see him in less than 3 weeks to figure out next steps. I'm still building my list of questions/concerns to take with me. I'm asking your help to help build this list
This week has been good, I'm following the meal plan I talked about here. I'm eating a TON of food. I mean 3 meals and 2 snacks each day. Annnnnnd by breakfast includes chocolate so you really can't go wrong there. I think this is going to work out just fine. The food has been great for the most part. Only 1 recipe that I probably won't repeat (honey mustard salmon doesn't reheat well and when you meal prep days in advance, that's important!)
People at work make fun of my giant lunch box.. I don't care, it's working for me and that's all that matters.
On the baby making front.. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I thought I had O'd and missed the egg since hubs was at work and we hadn't gotten down in a few days... I may have mentioned getting a little rapey with him last night. But my erratic temps were back down this am so I'm not concerned about missing the egg.. but at CD15 with no ovulation makes me think this is either going to be another looooong cycle (last cycle was 50days with O occurring on CD36) or this could be another anovulatory cycle (which Dr suspects happens about every 3rd cycle with me but hasn't been confirmed yet). Either way I go see him in less than 3 weeks to figure out next steps. I'm still building my list of questions/concerns to take with me. I'm asking your help to help build this list
What are the things you wish you would have asked about in your first consultation knowing what you know now?
-h
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
You can always adopt
How many times do we hear this phrase? How many people offer up this option as if it wasn't in the back of our minds the whole time? Do they think we're stupid? Like we have never heard of adoption?
One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?
I'm conflicted
Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.
I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.
Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?
I'm not sure, I don't know
There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.
One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?
I'm conflicted
Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.
I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.
Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?
I'm not sure, I don't know
There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.
Monday, March 17, 2014
When I'm not babymaking, I'm getting healthy
Babymaking and losing weight might seem to be counterproductive on the surface but many people that struggle with infertility were told at their very first appointment "just lose Xlbs and you'll be fine" I know, I was one of them.
Even though I KNEW it wasn't just my weight (212lbs) that was holding me and my uterus hostage, I took the advice to heart and jumped into the healthy pond with both feet and no swimsuit (seriously, I hate swim suit shopping). Now I'm sitting at 180.2 (seriously .2... go suck it 180's I'm done with you) and I FEEL better, but no more pregnant.
When I first started everyone joked about how I was going to get into this awesome shape and then get preggo. I laughed, I challenged them, I WANT that! Just think of how much easier it will be to lose the baby weight when I have all the tools. Like awesome trainers at the gyms I go to who ALREADY know me (and my excuses, and the best ways to trick me into going) and a super awesome lunch box:
Even though I KNEW it wasn't just my weight (212lbs) that was holding me and my uterus hostage, I took the advice to heart and jumped into the healthy pond with both feet and no swimsuit (seriously, I hate swim suit shopping). Now I'm sitting at 180.2 (seriously .2... go suck it 180's I'm done with you) and I FEEL better, but no more pregnant.
When I first started everyone joked about how I was going to get into this awesome shape and then get preggo. I laughed, I challenged them, I WANT that! Just think of how much easier it will be to lose the baby weight when I have all the tools. Like awesome trainers at the gyms I go to who ALREADY know me (and my excuses, and the best ways to trick me into going) and a super awesome lunch box:
Seriously, I can pack 5 meals and a 3L jug PLUS 2 water bottles in that thing and it stays cool all day!!
Plus I came across this AMAZING site to help with my meal planning. It's only $9/mo and not only will it plan your meals by day within a calorie range but it makes it into a grocery list and EMAILs it to you the day before you tell it you go shopping!
I have tools to lose weight and get the body I want and frankly, that isn't going to HURT my chances of getting pregnant, and if I can't have a round baby belly, I'll have a sexy flat one dammit!
Thursday, March 13, 2014
When do you start demanding?
Friend from previous post with premie baby posted a screen shot of her feeding alarms to facebook to garner attention, support, feel goods? and I snarkily commented, "Sure wish I had something adorable to wake me up at night instead of this sinus infection". Was I over the top? Maybe, but the post pissed me off and the reply made me feel better (the little notifications of the "likes" it received, made my smile grow even bigger) One of those likes came from my "baby" sister.
Well she's not a baby, and she's not even the youngest sister I have. But she's always been my baby sister. At 9 years younger than me, I was somewhat of a mother-figure to her and when she couldn't stand living with our mom anymore (as teen girls are wont to do) She moved in with me and my hubs (before he was hubs). She met a guy, dated him for 6 months and announced via text her upcoming nuptials (as in text came on Wed night, hey we're getting married Saturday). He was a few years older with a boy from a previous relationship. I was convinced they were doomed. She was barely 18, had just squeaked by in high school, and was not ready to be married, or a step-mom!
Turns out, I was incredibly wrong. Jumping in to the ready-made family was the best thing that could have happened to her, over the last 2.5 years I've watched her mature in spades. It has been amazing to see. They started trying for their own child a year after they were wed. They had been not trying/not preventing for some time before. She still isn't pregnant. Last year, when she told me her/our Dr. wouldn't do anything for her yet, I was almost relieved. We have the same OB/GYN and I trust his judgement to not start racking up medical bills for a 19 year old who isn't pregnant yet.
But now, 2 years later, I wonder when she should start demanding action. I have really mixed feelings regarding this. I asked her if she was tracking her BBT, she didn't know what I was talking about, I asked if she was using OPKs she said she did for a couple cycles. She's not really doing her homework, but who am I to judge? What makes me the authority on what she SHOULD do before he works with her?
Well she's not a baby, and she's not even the youngest sister I have. But she's always been my baby sister. At 9 years younger than me, I was somewhat of a mother-figure to her and when she couldn't stand living with our mom anymore (as teen girls are wont to do) She moved in with me and my hubs (before he was hubs). She met a guy, dated him for 6 months and announced via text her upcoming nuptials (as in text came on Wed night, hey we're getting married Saturday). He was a few years older with a boy from a previous relationship. I was convinced they were doomed. She was barely 18, had just squeaked by in high school, and was not ready to be married, or a step-mom!
Turns out, I was incredibly wrong. Jumping in to the ready-made family was the best thing that could have happened to her, over the last 2.5 years I've watched her mature in spades. It has been amazing to see. They started trying for their own child a year after they were wed. They had been not trying/not preventing for some time before. She still isn't pregnant. Last year, when she told me her/our Dr. wouldn't do anything for her yet, I was almost relieved. We have the same OB/GYN and I trust his judgement to not start racking up medical bills for a 19 year old who isn't pregnant yet.
But now, 2 years later, I wonder when she should start demanding action. I have really mixed feelings regarding this. I asked her if she was tracking her BBT, she didn't know what I was talking about, I asked if she was using OPKs she said she did for a couple cycles. She's not really doing her homework, but who am I to judge? What makes me the authority on what she SHOULD do before he works with her?
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Twitterverse has sucked me in
I saw a couple posts about some fellow bloggers tweeting, and it peaked my interest. See I'm one of those jump-on-the-bandwagon-before-the-wheels-are-even-on people when it comes to social media and I have a personal twitter but I hate the people I follow so I don't get on there. Several times I've considered getting on, wiping the slate clean, following new people and enjoying it again. But let's face it, I'm lazy and starting a new one, tied to my new blog, tied to my new obsession, seems to make the most sense. So that's what I did! You can find me over there @willbabymake3
It will be more "me" than this blog I'm not used to long drawn out full blogs, but shorter, quippier, statuses on facebook and now the tweets.
Find me if you'd like!!
It will be more "me" than this blog I'm not used to long drawn out full blogs, but shorter, quippier, statuses on facebook and now the tweets.
Find me if you'd like!!
Monday, March 10, 2014
A good weekend
The best things about a Thursday CD1? Drinking all weekend!!!!
Seriously, on my way home from work Thurs, I stopped and bought:
Friday was good, work kept me busy so I didn't kill anyone (always a plus when I'm on my period, no need to perpetuate the stereotypes) Then I got a call from my little sister inviting us our for her hubs bday. She had texted me on Thurs to let me know she was "late" but not pregnant because "I know you'd kill me if I got pregnant again." Thanks... We had a pretty good time, none of their friends are in the baby making mode yet and my niece is almost 5 so it was a lot of talk that WASN'T (gasp) about kids!!
Saturday hubs and his buddy sanded the basement while I cleaned the house. Turns out, it was a wasted effort on my part because as soon as they opened the door, about 3 inches of drywall dust floated up the stairs and settled in on every single fucking surface! His old friend Billy called, we haven't seen him and his wife in months, they wanted to come hang out for a game night. I thought it was odd and then panicked that she was going to announce a pregnancy in my kitchen. Turns out I got all worked up over nothing and we drank and played board games and laughed harder than I have in awhile. Plus sometime around noon AF decided her stay was no longer necessary and she made her departure (cue the sexy-time just for the sake of sexy-time music)
Sunday hubs invited more friends over to BBQ since it was nice out so we drank again!! It was good to be surrounded by everyone this weekend. It really kept me from dwelling on everything. Plus, since almost everyone knows we're trying, and I had drinks in my hand, I didn't have to answer any baby questions.
Dr. appointment is scheduled for April 9th so we have (maybe) one more cycle to do this "for free". I'm getting nervous for the dr. I want to make sure I'm my own advocate but I'm still learning so much that I'm not sure what questions to ask. Any advice from you ladies would be much appreciated.
Seriously, on my way home from work Thurs, I stopped and bought:
- A pint of chocolate almond ice cream
- tampons (I keep telling myself I'll buy a Diva cup and stop wasting money, have any of you tried it?)
- Ibuprofen (cramps were KILLER)
- a bottle of $8 Riesling
Friday was good, work kept me busy so I didn't kill anyone (always a plus when I'm on my period, no need to perpetuate the stereotypes) Then I got a call from my little sister inviting us our for her hubs bday. She had texted me on Thurs to let me know she was "late" but not pregnant because "I know you'd kill me if I got pregnant again." Thanks... We had a pretty good time, none of their friends are in the baby making mode yet and my niece is almost 5 so it was a lot of talk that WASN'T (gasp) about kids!!
Saturday hubs and his buddy sanded the basement while I cleaned the house. Turns out, it was a wasted effort on my part because as soon as they opened the door, about 3 inches of drywall dust floated up the stairs and settled in on every single fucking surface! His old friend Billy called, we haven't seen him and his wife in months, they wanted to come hang out for a game night. I thought it was odd and then panicked that she was going to announce a pregnancy in my kitchen. Turns out I got all worked up over nothing and we drank and played board games and laughed harder than I have in awhile. Plus sometime around noon AF decided her stay was no longer necessary and she made her departure (cue the sexy-time just for the sake of sexy-time music)
Sunday hubs invited more friends over to BBQ since it was nice out so we drank again!! It was good to be surrounded by everyone this weekend. It really kept me from dwelling on everything. Plus, since almost everyone knows we're trying, and I had drinks in my hand, I didn't have to answer any baby questions.
Dr. appointment is scheduled for April 9th so we have (maybe) one more cycle to do this "for free". I'm getting nervous for the dr. I want to make sure I'm my own advocate but I'm still learning so much that I'm not sure what questions to ask. Any advice from you ladies would be much appreciated.
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