I've had the strangest dreams

The last few weeks have been full of the strangest dreams.

I've been having dreams about the guy I would consider my high school sweetheart. Though he wasn't the guy a dated the longest, he wasn't the guy I gave my virginity to, but he was always mine. I loved him the way only a 16 year old can love. And we broke up on very amicable terms. Neither of us were ready to "settle" down. We continued with a loose friendship and even hooked up a couple times over the years.

I won't lie, when I found out he and his girlfriend were expecting (just a couple months after we had hooked up when both of us were on a "break" from our respective significant others), I was heart broken. After all, that could have been me.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for the world (well maybe for a baby, but... well we all feel like that sometimes). But this guy was my "perfect on paper" guy.

Perfect on Paper.. what does that mean. Well he had everything I thought I wanted in a relationship. He fit all the criteria we put together for ourselves when we start thinking about who we'll spend the rest of our lives with. He checked off every single box, the timing was just off.

Either way, his son now plays on my soccer team so I see him, his girl friend and their son twice a week... and that's probably why I'm dreaming about him. These aren't sex dreams so don't go getting all Fifty Shades of Grey on me.. They are more.... romantical? (That's totally a word BTW, promise). It's rather unnerving though.

And last night I had a baby dream. This one was really strange. I walked in to the hospital and the Dr told me it was a girl. Obviously we had used a surrogate since I was just now showing up... obviously not pregnant. Then when I picked her up, she had this thick dark red hair (Hubs and I have brown hair). I remember showing her to him saying , "I'm sorry she has red hair, JK was the only one" (JK is another friends hubby... apparently he was the donor?) Oh and my baby could talk to me with her mind... so that was fun. I asked her about names, we settled on Norah (I know it's not usually spelled with an "h" but in my dream it totally was) We took her straight home from the hospital right then. I remember sending hubs to the store to get a car seat, why we didn't have one yet, I'll never know. And then we buckled her in the van (seriously brain, what part of you thinks I'll ever buy a van) and drove off. She was big, like 3 months old, and so very beautiful. Then I woke up.

Honestly, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to fall back asleep and hold that beautiful little girl some more. I wanted to listen to her speak to me, I wanted to have her.

11dpo? BFN, NERVES!

I caved and took a test this AM. BFN but I'm surprisingly ok with that. I know it's still early IF I even ovulated yet. I'm starting to lean more and more to the side that says I haven't even though it's CD33. I ovulated on CD 36 last cycle so I'm guessing that might be the case again.

But of course my body hates me and all the signs were there for O to have occurred 11 days ago.. So whatever body, go fuck yourself.

I didn't really expect to see a positive today. But I bought a veritable shit ton of tests off Amazon so...

Also, I'm getting increasingly nervous for my appointment on Wednesday. It's not until the afternoon so I've decided to work from home that day so I'm not freaking out at work. So many of you are already so much further along in this and have been so incredibly helpful!! Reading your blogs, following your journey's before I really even started on mine has been awesome. I feel much more prepared. And then the advice you give! This community really is awesome, even if the thing that brings us together pretty much sucks ass.

After Wednesday I'll be an official, registered infertile one that's on a medically treated path with the rest of you. I'm not going to lie, some days I feel like a fraud that snuck right in to this world before my time. But so many of you know, that you KNOW well before your dr diagnoses you, that something is just wrong. I was there and I decided to do something about it. 

So thank you ladies, for all your help, whether it was voluntary or not. Thank you for not shunning me. 

(Well this got sappier than I intended)

Boobs

-h

My Body Is A Wonderland (and sometimes a horror house)

Welp, yesterday's random high temp was.... Option C!! I was hot. Those who guessed correctly win a prize*

My temp went back down, but still above coverline. (which I still don't trust because it's lower than last cycles). At this point I'm not sure what to think about my fucked up broken body. Not to mention starting last night I noticed I was tender to the touch right inside my right hipbone, which could mean I have something funky going on with meatwad's old house (you can read more about meatwad here and here) Just let me tell you how excited THAT idea makes me. UGH

I'm 6 days out from my appointment with Dr C. I'm still super nervous. I've got this whole list of things I want to ask him or discuss but I'm afraid we won't get to it all, or I'll forget, or something. I'm not nervous with meeting with him though, He's been my GYN since I was 15. He's my mom's, and both my sister's GYN. He delivered my niece AND my youngest brother and sister (the latter I was in the room for!) He's really kind, very soft spoken, has AMAZING bedside manner and knows all my history/family history. But I'm worried that his calm demeanor might mask the seriousness of what's going on.

Even when meatwad was removed, he was really nonchalant about the whole ordeal, which is good because it kept me calm. He has an air of confidence that doesn't even cross over into the realm of cocky. I'm lucky to have him. He's one of the most popular OB/GYN's in town. I'm also worried that if he can't help me, I'll have to change doctors and facilities. That makes me a little crazy, the thought of change and a stranger trying to fix me. What if s/he's an asshole? Or rude? Or like that Dr. from Knocked Up? It gets my heart racing just thinking about it.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. 8dpo, not a lot of symptoms, maybe didn't even ovulate, driving myself nuts... Welcome to my freakshow

-h

*prize to be determined at at later date, prize will not have actual value and my not even be a physical thing. The writer reserves the right to take back the prize if you're a jerk about it.

You can always adopt

How many times do we hear this phrase? How many people offer up this option as if it wasn't in the back of our minds the whole time? Do they think we're stupid? Like we have never heard of adoption?

One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?

I'm conflicted

Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.

I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.

Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?

I'm not sure, I don't know

There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.

When do you start demanding?

Friend from previous post with premie baby posted a screen shot of her feeding alarms to facebook to garner attention, support, feel goods? and I snarkily commented, "Sure wish I had something adorable to wake me up at night instead of this sinus infection". Was I over the top? Maybe, but the post pissed me off and the reply made me feel better (the little notifications of the "likes" it received, made my smile grow even bigger) One of those likes came from my "baby" sister.

Well she's not a baby, and she's not even the youngest sister I have. But she's always been my baby sister. At 9 years younger than me, I was somewhat of a mother-figure to her and when she couldn't stand living with our mom anymore (as teen girls are wont to do) She moved in with me and my hubs (before he was hubs). She met a guy, dated him for 6 months and announced via text her upcoming nuptials (as in text came on Wed night, hey we're getting married Saturday). He was a few years older with a boy from a previous relationship. I was convinced they were doomed. She was barely 18, had just squeaked by in high school, and was not ready to be married, or a step-mom!

Turns out, I was incredibly wrong. Jumping in to the ready-made family was the best thing that could have happened to her, over the last 2.5 years I've watched her mature in spades. It has been amazing to see. They started trying for their own child a year after they were wed. They had been not trying/not preventing for some time before. She still isn't pregnant. Last year, when she told me her/our Dr. wouldn't do anything for her yet, I was almost relieved. We have the same OB/GYN and I trust his judgement to not start racking up medical bills for a 19 year old who isn't pregnant yet.

But now, 2 years later, I wonder when she should start demanding action. I have really mixed feelings regarding this. I asked her if she was tracking her BBT, she didn't know what I was talking about, I asked if she was using OPKs she said she did for a couple cycles. She's not really doing her homework, but who am I to judge? What makes me the authority on what she SHOULD do before he works with her?

Crosshairs are back

Now FF is saying I ovulated on CD36! My temps have been elevated and fairly steady for the first time this cycle!

I'm cautiously optimistic about this change. Today would be 8dpo with an implantation dip yesterday. My boobs started getting sore to the touch yesterday, more so today.

I can't decide if I want to waste more tests by starting to test 10dpo or just wait for my period to be late.

It's funny because I can still remember buying tests and begging them to be negative. I guess it was hard for me to remember some people (lots of people) bought them in hopes of that second line.

So what do we talk about while we wait? Hmmmmm..

Well basement finishing is coming along fine. Hubby got a new schedule at work.. 7 days on/7days off. And he works 12hr night shifts. So wed-fri I'll see him for about 40mins in the morning before I leave for work. The Sat-Sun he'll be sleeping all day. And Mon-wed back to the 40min each morning.. I'm really crossing my fingers that IF I have a next cycle, it's on his off week.. BDing before rushing to work is not my idea of a good time!

-h

Crosshairs gone

As of this mornings temp.. Fertility friend dropped my crosshairs. Now I'm wondering if I even ovulated at all.

Le sigh