Returning to work was hard for me. I came back on a Wednesday, as recommended by every website out there. Don't do a whole week your first week, it's rough on you they say. Turns out, even a half week is rough too.
I spent the Monday and Tuesday prior to my return crying on my baby's head all day. It's not right you know, to leave your infant. Every single fiber of my being was screaming at me to not leave. It's not like he was going to a strangers though, I mean he was with my mom and home with N it should be fine. Thousands upon thousands of women do it every year. It's the new normal.. it's okay, we'll be okay.
I thought I was okay. I didn't cry that whole first week, or most of the second. but right around the 10th day I had to kiss my happy smiling baby goodbye and then hear that he was crying and fighting sleep for my mom, I lost it.
When I say lost it, I mean I cried for about 4 hours every day. I cried on my way to work, I cried every pump session, I cried on my way to get him. He cries a lot too. He misses me, as soon as we get home each evening he nurses until he falls asleep... usually 2 or 3 hours straight of nursing. I take comfort in that, the re-connection, the bonding.
2 weeks ago it was really bad. N worked on Tuesday night and Ollie had an appointment at 3:40 on Wednesday afternoon so the plan was for my SIL to come over and watch O at our house while N slept for a few hours, then they would meet me at my work and we'd go to the appt together... That plan flew out the window when my baby screamed for 3 hours straight and refused his bottle. N had to drive him out to me (I live 45 mins from work). I climbed in the backseat, unbuckled my red, screaming, now hoarse baby and nursed him while wiping the sweat off his little head. He sighed and moaned as he ate and it broke my heart into a million pieces.
He was fine now that he was with me. My inconsolable baby was now consoled but I couldn't be there for him every day. It's not feasible to bring him to me every time he's upset. I'm starting to cry now just thinking about it.
Last week I got in fight with N on my way home from work. I was crying again, upset that I was forced to be away from my baby for 55 hours a week. He wasn't very supportive, attempting to be logical when I just wanted him to listen. I snapped at him hard. He ended the conversation with a recommendation to call my dr. He was right.
See post-partum depression isn't the same for everyone. Some people have aversions to caring for their baby, they feel trapped at home, tied down by the new little human dictating their every move. But me? I feel trapped at work, unable to care for him, the way only a mother can. I feel that NO ONE is doing it right without me there to watch, no one can hold him, or burp him correctly. No one else can soothe him like I can. And more obviously, no one can nurse him. I fell into a pit of despair that I will miss EVERYTHING, his first laugh (which I did already miss), first roll, first steps, first word. The odds of me being there when I only spend 4 waking hours with him a day are slim. That notion is more than just a bummer... it's completely unacceptable.
Compounding my sadness is anger. While I was on leave, a lot of things changed at work. I thought they might but I wasn't prepared to be told that I could no longer work remotely and then to not be given a reason why. I was counting on being able to spend at least one day working from home, as I have since I started. To help break up the time he's away from me, even if he's being watched by my SIL or N while I'm in our office at home. He can be brought to me to eat, I can go to him to calm him, to put him down for his naps but that's no longer an option and I'm not given a reason.. I'm an adult... I don't do well with "because I said so"
So I spend 30-45 minutes 3 times a day pumping in an office trying not to worry about having enough for the next day, watching videos of my little man to help coax my milk out. I hate every single second of it.
My dr put me on some meds, they're supposed to kick in around week 3... I have the card of a counselor in my wallet... I haven't called yet.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
29 weeks! A long overdue update
29 weeks. I can't believe it, I'll have a baby, in my arms, in less than 3 months. I am amazed and humbled every day.
Nugget is progressing perfectly. Our 20w scan was great, everything looked just as it should and we managed to keep the sex a secret.
I've gained too much weight for my liking but honestly, I'm ok with it. I can lose the weight I just want to enjoy every single bit of this! No weird cravings but I'm still a HUGE fan of cereal and baked potatoes (not at the same time of course). I never got sick, I get heartburn if I don't eat often enough and I swell a little if I'm on my feet too much but my wedding ring still fits!
Nugget is head down with his/her little face smooshed into my anterior placenta by my right hip bone and feet up right under my ribs. We had a 3D ultrasound yesterday, I'll post pics once I get them downloaded to the computer!! We have a lot of active time first thing in the morning and around 5-6pm and again right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. N is still weirded out by touching my belly directly but I snuggle up behind him at night and he gets the crap kicked out of his back while I sleep through it :P
I've had a couple of emotional outbursts but they were so insane that I was LAUGHING while I was CRYING because I knew it was ridiculous. One of these happened in the middle of Lowe's... and one happened when N laughed at me because I couldn't roll over quickly and got semi-stuck!!
We made the insane decision to basically remodel our whole house. All new paint in every room but the bathrooms, all new carpet and finish the basement. It's been crazy but great and I'm so glad we did it. Especially the carpet, that old stuff was GROSS!!!
I'm still pushing off doing the nursery. I know I need to get it done as I'm starting to run out of time BUUUUUT I feel like everything is moving too quickly!!! If I had it my way, I'd stay pregnant for another 5 months or longer!!!
My sister and best friends threw me an adorable shower. I don't have my pics back yet but will post those soon too. It was a rustic honeybee theme and it was AWESOME minus the fact that the only one from N's side to show was his step mom... That was pretty sad. We got a crib, our travel system, a mamaroo, and a ton of little essentials. Oh and N's sister threw him a diaper party the week before and we got a TON of diapers so that's great!
Ummmm what else. Oh work sucks, that's a whole other post. Maybe I'll blog that one out to get it off my chest!
So that's my super fast, not even proofread update!!
Nugget is progressing perfectly. Our 20w scan was great, everything looked just as it should and we managed to keep the sex a secret.
I've gained too much weight for my liking but honestly, I'm ok with it. I can lose the weight I just want to enjoy every single bit of this! No weird cravings but I'm still a HUGE fan of cereal and baked potatoes (not at the same time of course). I never got sick, I get heartburn if I don't eat often enough and I swell a little if I'm on my feet too much but my wedding ring still fits!
Nugget is head down with his/her little face smooshed into my anterior placenta by my right hip bone and feet up right under my ribs. We had a 3D ultrasound yesterday, I'll post pics once I get them downloaded to the computer!! We have a lot of active time first thing in the morning and around 5-6pm and again right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. N is still weirded out by touching my belly directly but I snuggle up behind him at night and he gets the crap kicked out of his back while I sleep through it :P
I've had a couple of emotional outbursts but they were so insane that I was LAUGHING while I was CRYING because I knew it was ridiculous. One of these happened in the middle of Lowe's... and one happened when N laughed at me because I couldn't roll over quickly and got semi-stuck!!
We made the insane decision to basically remodel our whole house. All new paint in every room but the bathrooms, all new carpet and finish the basement. It's been crazy but great and I'm so glad we did it. Especially the carpet, that old stuff was GROSS!!!
I'm still pushing off doing the nursery. I know I need to get it done as I'm starting to run out of time BUUUUUT I feel like everything is moving too quickly!!! If I had it my way, I'd stay pregnant for another 5 months or longer!!!
My sister and best friends threw me an adorable shower. I don't have my pics back yet but will post those soon too. It was a rustic honeybee theme and it was AWESOME minus the fact that the only one from N's side to show was his step mom... That was pretty sad. We got a crib, our travel system, a mamaroo, and a ton of little essentials. Oh and N's sister threw him a diaper party the week before and we got a TON of diapers so that's great!
Ummmm what else. Oh work sucks, that's a whole other post. Maybe I'll blog that one out to get it off my chest!
So that's my super fast, not even proofread update!!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
9 weeks
My nerves are calmed... I had my scan on Friday and Nugget is measuring right on target and his/her little heart was beating away at 180bpm.
I won't post pics but just know Nugget pretty much looks indistinguishable from every other 8w3d fetus... Big head, little arms, very alienish.
I finally told my parents so that was cool. My little sister cried more than I did! Everyone has been so great!
Apparently as much as I sucked at GETTING pregnant, being pregnant isn't hard for me. I've been so lucky to be healthy, no sickness, no real issues at all. I know I'm lucky and I'm not taking that for granted at all.
PG friend is not so lucky, she's been miserable since 3 days before she found out. Nauseous, not able to eat, diarrhea, super exhausted, not able to leave the house and now the vomiting. I worry about her, she is a tiny girl to begin with, I hope it doesn't last long for her.
In other news, the cousin/roommate hasn't made much progress in the way of finding a new home which is becoming problematic. I need that room for a nursery, and frankly, I'm really irritable right now so the extra people/animals etc is just getting on my nerves! I'm trying to figure out how to give her a deadline without coming across as mean. I'm so blunt and upfront, some people take it really personally and I don't mean to be mean!
Anyway... that's it for now.
I won't post pics but just know Nugget pretty much looks indistinguishable from every other 8w3d fetus... Big head, little arms, very alienish.
I finally told my parents so that was cool. My little sister cried more than I did! Everyone has been so great!
Apparently as much as I sucked at GETTING pregnant, being pregnant isn't hard for me. I've been so lucky to be healthy, no sickness, no real issues at all. I know I'm lucky and I'm not taking that for granted at all.
PG friend is not so lucky, she's been miserable since 3 days before she found out. Nauseous, not able to eat, diarrhea, super exhausted, not able to leave the house and now the vomiting. I worry about her, she is a tiny girl to begin with, I hope it doesn't last long for her.
In other news, the cousin/roommate hasn't made much progress in the way of finding a new home which is becoming problematic. I need that room for a nursery, and frankly, I'm really irritable right now so the extra people/animals etc is just getting on my nerves! I'm trying to figure out how to give her a deadline without coming across as mean. I'm so blunt and upfront, some people take it really personally and I don't mean to be mean!
Anyway... that's it for now.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
JUST RELAX...
I haven't been able to fall asleep lately, even more so than usual. Part of it is stress about work, part of it is stress about IF and part of it is good TV... ok maybe not good tv.. but tv.
Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.
On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.
At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.
We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.
Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.
On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.
At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.
We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.
Friday, April 18, 2014
I'm feeling... weird
My battery died on my thermometer and I forgot to get a new one so I'm not temping this cycle. And since I'm not temping, I've decided to not track anything.
So here I am, CD11 with no idea where my cervix is, what type of mucus it's got, what my temps are, or what my "symptoms" were yesterday.
Have I had this headache for 2 days or 3? Couldn't tell you, not on my chart.
In 10 days I go in for my blood work and on the 29th Hubs takes his sample to the lab. So this cycle we're just winging it.
And to keep myself calm(ish) I've piled the work on myself and I've kept busy. I'm not spending all day on twitter or reading blogs so please forgive me if I've missed a big announcement of yours. I promise, it's not personal. I've been catching up (ish) on blogs when I have time but I'm probably behind.
It's weird, not doing anything. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern until we get results back, until I decide on an RE and make an appointment.
Until then, we wait.
- h
So here I am, CD11 with no idea where my cervix is, what type of mucus it's got, what my temps are, or what my "symptoms" were yesterday.
Have I had this headache for 2 days or 3? Couldn't tell you, not on my chart.
In 10 days I go in for my blood work and on the 29th Hubs takes his sample to the lab. So this cycle we're just winging it.
And to keep myself calm(ish) I've piled the work on myself and I've kept busy. I'm not spending all day on twitter or reading blogs so please forgive me if I've missed a big announcement of yours. I promise, it's not personal. I've been catching up (ish) on blogs when I have time but I'm probably behind.
It's weird, not doing anything. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern until we get results back, until I decide on an RE and make an appointment.
Until then, we wait.
- h
Thursday, April 10, 2014
I don't do sick
I'm not a very good sick person. I don't like feeling crummy and it makes me kind of a whiney bitch.
Monday night I went to bed early like 830pm early because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Last night was the same. I was exhausted and I felt like crap and I had a fever. YUCK! I hate having a fever. I run cold anyway so 100 degrees for me is like MY EYEBALLS ARE ON FIRE SHOOT ME NOW!
I went to bed. Woke up wide awake at 230am finally went back to sleep around 5am. and got up to work from home at 9. I'm miserable. My head is foggy, I have a cough and my eyeballs hurt from being hot.
I want a blankie and my mommy and a nap.
Plus N and I got in a fight last night about treatment. He's got a couple issues from what I can see, one is money, he's really really really concerned about the amount of money we'll spend on the chance at a child.
The other is the level of treatments he's ok with. Right now that list is really really short. Like not even including IUI because it's "weird". I'm really hoping he opens his mind a little because right now, since we don't have any idea what we'll need to do, we don't have many options at all.
This is a pain in the ass and makes me hate people that just have sex and get pregnant.
Monday night I went to bed early like 830pm early because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Last night was the same. I was exhausted and I felt like crap and I had a fever. YUCK! I hate having a fever. I run cold anyway so 100 degrees for me is like MY EYEBALLS ARE ON FIRE SHOOT ME NOW!
I went to bed. Woke up wide awake at 230am finally went back to sleep around 5am. and got up to work from home at 9. I'm miserable. My head is foggy, I have a cough and my eyeballs hurt from being hot.
I want a blankie and my mommy and a nap.
Plus N and I got in a fight last night about treatment. He's got a couple issues from what I can see, one is money, he's really really really concerned about the amount of money we'll spend on the chance at a child.
The other is the level of treatments he's ok with. Right now that list is really really short. Like not even including IUI because it's "weird". I'm really hoping he opens his mind a little because right now, since we don't have any idea what we'll need to do, we don't have many options at all.
This is a pain in the ass and makes me hate people that just have sex and get pregnant.
Monday, April 7, 2014
11dpo? BFN, NERVES!
I caved and took a test this AM. BFN but I'm surprisingly ok with that. I know it's still early IF I even ovulated yet. I'm starting to lean more and more to the side that says I haven't even though it's CD33. I ovulated on CD 36 last cycle so I'm guessing that might be the case again.
But of course my body hates me and all the signs were there for O to have occurred 11 days ago.. So whatever body, go fuck yourself.
I didn't really expect to see a positive today. But I bought a veritable shit ton of tests off Amazon so...
But of course my body hates me and all the signs were there for O to have occurred 11 days ago.. So whatever body, go fuck yourself.
I didn't really expect to see a positive today. But I bought a veritable shit ton of tests off Amazon so...
Also, I'm getting increasingly nervous for my appointment on Wednesday. It's not until the afternoon so I've decided to work from home that day so I'm not freaking out at work. So many of you are already so much further along in this and have been so incredibly helpful!! Reading your blogs, following your journey's before I really even started on mine has been awesome. I feel much more prepared. And then the advice you give! This community really is awesome, even if the thing that brings us together pretty much sucks ass.
After Wednesday I'll be an official, registered infertile one that's on a medically treated path with the rest of you. I'm not going to lie, some days I feel like a fraud that snuck right in to this world before my time. But so many of you know, that you KNOW well before your dr diagnoses you, that something is just wrong. I was there and I decided to do something about it.
So thank you ladies, for all your help, whether it was voluntary or not. Thank you for not shunning me.
(Well this got sappier than I intended)
Boobs
-h
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
OMG, I can't believe I forgot to tell you!!!
Newborn baby friend from this post text me last night to ask about random friend from the past. Random past friend posted something about mom and baby doing fine on his facebook and she was curious who he had a kid with... Hell if I know, I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. Regardless, Here's how the texts went:
Mind you, I haven't gotten a text or phone call from her since before that kid was BORN
(at this point I was pretty sure she didn't really care but decided to humor her (and maybe bait her a little))
(Cue the awwwww snap)
And that was the end of the conversation.
Mind you, I haven't gotten a text or phone call from her since before that kid was BORN
A: "So who is C having a baby with?"
Me: I have no idea. We don't see him much anymore
A: Oh, ok. How are you?
(at this point I was pretty sure she didn't really care but decided to humor her (and maybe bait her a little))
Me: Eh, I'm ok
A: What's up? I never get to sleep more than 3 hours at a time
Me: Yeah, well I'm going to have to go through fertility treatments to have that problem
(Cue the awwwww snap)
A: What?!?
A: :(
Me: Yep, totally broken. I have a Dr appt on the 9th to see where we start
A: I'm so sorry! Let me know if I can do anything
Me: Thanks, right now it's just a lot of waiting. It's pretty scary actually
And that was the end of the conversation.
Monday, March 24, 2014
I had a helluva weekend
First off thank you to everyone who commented and tweeted me during my breakdowns on Friday, your support means the world to me because I know that these feelings are not abnormal! It's hard to find people in your "real" life who understand the complex emotions that go with this struggle and to have that through my online presence is huge.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
I mean seriously.. how cute are they?
We talked a little more about all the options we may be faced with coming up. He seems more open now that he understands but is still ok with being child-free if that's what happens. I guess that's ok, I mean if he's already open to the possibility, I don't have to worry about letting him down.
Speaking of all thinks baby-making. Today is CD19 and my temps are all over the place. I haven't ovulated yet but I'm having all the "fertile time" symptoms. We'll continue doing the deed as often as we can in hopes that we catch the egg but frankly, I don't have high hopes for this cycle.
I'm really interested to meet with my Dr and see what he thinks the cause of my late/non-existent ovulation stems from. I'm kind of torn on this subject as well. Part of me wants to really look into the CAUSE of this and part of me just wants to fix the symptoms (and get pregnant). I know that if we detirmine the root cause, I could most likely get pregnant without ART (provided it's something "fixable" like hormones) BUT the other part of me says "Why the fuck are you wasting your precious time, just artificially make your body do what it's supposed to and put a baby in me now before I cause more havoc"
-h
P.S. I found my nose ring between the bedframe and the wall. That made me happy too :)
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Weightloss update 3/20
Well I started the week (Sunday) at 181lbs.. this morning I was at 177!!! I'm elated! I feel great and I should have no problem meeting the goal I set for myself which was 170 by my dr appointment on 4/9. I have 20 days to lose 7lbs. That's less than .5 lbs /day which is about 2.3 lbs per week. A very reasonable goal.
This week has been good, I'm following the meal plan I talked about here. I'm eating a TON of food. I mean 3 meals and 2 snacks each day. Annnnnnd by breakfast includes chocolate so you really can't go wrong there. I think this is going to work out just fine. The food has been great for the most part. Only 1 recipe that I probably won't repeat (honey mustard salmon doesn't reheat well and when you meal prep days in advance, that's important!)
People at work make fun of my giant lunch box.. I don't care, it's working for me and that's all that matters.
On the baby making front.. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I thought I had O'd and missed the egg since hubs was at work and we hadn't gotten down in a few days... I may have mentioned getting a little rapey with him last night. But my erratic temps were back down this am so I'm not concerned about missing the egg.. but at CD15 with no ovulation makes me think this is either going to be another looooong cycle (last cycle was 50days with O occurring on CD36) or this could be another anovulatory cycle (which Dr suspects happens about every 3rd cycle with me but hasn't been confirmed yet). Either way I go see him in less than 3 weeks to figure out next steps. I'm still building my list of questions/concerns to take with me. I'm asking your help to help build this list
This week has been good, I'm following the meal plan I talked about here. I'm eating a TON of food. I mean 3 meals and 2 snacks each day. Annnnnnd by breakfast includes chocolate so you really can't go wrong there. I think this is going to work out just fine. The food has been great for the most part. Only 1 recipe that I probably won't repeat (honey mustard salmon doesn't reheat well and when you meal prep days in advance, that's important!)
People at work make fun of my giant lunch box.. I don't care, it's working for me and that's all that matters.
On the baby making front.. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I thought I had O'd and missed the egg since hubs was at work and we hadn't gotten down in a few days... I may have mentioned getting a little rapey with him last night. But my erratic temps were back down this am so I'm not concerned about missing the egg.. but at CD15 with no ovulation makes me think this is either going to be another looooong cycle (last cycle was 50days with O occurring on CD36) or this could be another anovulatory cycle (which Dr suspects happens about every 3rd cycle with me but hasn't been confirmed yet). Either way I go see him in less than 3 weeks to figure out next steps. I'm still building my list of questions/concerns to take with me. I'm asking your help to help build this list
What are the things you wish you would have asked about in your first consultation knowing what you know now?
-h
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
You can always adopt
How many times do we hear this phrase? How many people offer up this option as if it wasn't in the back of our minds the whole time? Do they think we're stupid? Like we have never heard of adoption?
One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?
I'm conflicted
Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.
I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.
Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?
I'm not sure, I don't know
There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.
One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?
I'm conflicted
Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.
I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.
Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?
I'm not sure, I don't know
There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Meal planning, prepping and weightloss
When I started my weightloss challenge (you can read a little about that here) I learned a lot about meal planning. We started out small, cutting out the bad, adding in the good, first went the soda and tea (which I can only drink with about 1lb of sugar in it) and I started drinking exclusively water. That was difficult for me, I didn't really like water. I craved the sweet stuff. So I used Mio to flavor the water and slowly weaned myself off of that. Drinking 3L of water or more became easy for me.
Next were foods: I cut out my massive amounts of carbs. I'm not a pasta eater but potatoes... I'll eat them just about any way you can make them. Breads were cakes, donuts, muffins, chips etc. I was taking in a massive amount of carbs and not nearly enough proteins. I started tracking my foods using MyFitnessPal and learned where I needed to make my changes. I started prepping my meals. Making most of my foods on Sunday for the week. I had smoothies for breakfast, chicken and veggies for lunch, healthy snacks, fish and veggies for dinner, etc. I lost 30 lbs with no real nutritional coaching. Then I hit a wall. I've been stuck.
So I paid for a nutrition consult with one of the trainers at one of my gyms (yeah, one of them... I have rotating memberships at 4, I'm insane) and we sat down and went through my meals day by day. We took my body fat, my goal size (not weight, I don't have a goal weight) and he put together a carb cycled plan for me. Not a "you eat this, this and this" plan but a "you need this much protein, this many carbs and this many fats each day" plan.
Turns out, I was not eating enough fat!! Funny how that works. I also learned I'm potassium deficient (I used to swell like a tick after ingesting too much sodium, potassium naturally counteracts that) so he gave me a recipe for a drink mixture (coconut water, a couple juices and water) to help me get in more potassium and fixed my swelling without cutting out the sodium my body NEEDED.
I stuck to his plan for 10 days straight, no deviation and lost about a pound A DAY! And then we went to Hawaii and that went right out the window. I gained back what I had lost, BUT I managed to sustain right where I was. So I know how to maintain, and I know what I need to do to lose, I just need to DO IT.
I spent like 4 hours the other night planning my meals for the next week. Then I spent about $120 at the grocery store yesterday getting supplies (for me and hubs, same meals, different proportions) and today I spent about 4 hours cooking meals for today, tomorrow and Tuesday and Wed. I'll make the rest of the weeks food on Wednesday. I'm using real recipes, not just plain baked chicken and steamed veggies. I was getting burnt out on the same stuff after 8 months of it.
So, let's see how this goes!
-h
Next were foods: I cut out my massive amounts of carbs. I'm not a pasta eater but potatoes... I'll eat them just about any way you can make them. Breads were cakes, donuts, muffins, chips etc. I was taking in a massive amount of carbs and not nearly enough proteins. I started tracking my foods using MyFitnessPal and learned where I needed to make my changes. I started prepping my meals. Making most of my foods on Sunday for the week. I had smoothies for breakfast, chicken and veggies for lunch, healthy snacks, fish and veggies for dinner, etc. I lost 30 lbs with no real nutritional coaching. Then I hit a wall. I've been stuck.
So I paid for a nutrition consult with one of the trainers at one of my gyms (yeah, one of them... I have rotating memberships at 4, I'm insane) and we sat down and went through my meals day by day. We took my body fat, my goal size (not weight, I don't have a goal weight) and he put together a carb cycled plan for me. Not a "you eat this, this and this" plan but a "you need this much protein, this many carbs and this many fats each day" plan.
Turns out, I was not eating enough fat!! Funny how that works. I also learned I'm potassium deficient (I used to swell like a tick after ingesting too much sodium, potassium naturally counteracts that) so he gave me a recipe for a drink mixture (coconut water, a couple juices and water) to help me get in more potassium and fixed my swelling without cutting out the sodium my body NEEDED.
I stuck to his plan for 10 days straight, no deviation and lost about a pound A DAY! And then we went to Hawaii and that went right out the window. I gained back what I had lost, BUT I managed to sustain right where I was. So I know how to maintain, and I know what I need to do to lose, I just need to DO IT.
I spent like 4 hours the other night planning my meals for the next week. Then I spent about $120 at the grocery store yesterday getting supplies (for me and hubs, same meals, different proportions) and today I spent about 4 hours cooking meals for today, tomorrow and Tuesday and Wed. I'll make the rest of the weeks food on Wednesday. I'm using real recipes, not just plain baked chicken and steamed veggies. I was getting burnt out on the same stuff after 8 months of it.
So, let's see how this goes!
-h
Friday, March 14, 2014
This one might divide us
And by us I mean the three or so people that read my blog. (There may be more, but if you don't comment, I'll never know) (yes, that was a pathetic plea for comments, I'm sad like that and need validation from strangers)
I saw the post today about measles breaking out in NYC and it infuriates me to no end. First, the idea of not vaccinating your child is insane and illogical in my eyes. I've yet to see a single study that shows that something vaccines do is worse than dying from the thing it's protecting you from. If you have one, please do share (so I can promptly go science on your ass and refute every claim with evidence)
And I know I begged for comments but the first person to say vaccines cause autism is getting a Blu e*cig shoved in every available orifice (and some I'll just make available). The same lady who has been on this "vaccines made my kid autistic" crusade pushes electronic cigarettes.. Because cancer is better than autism. Don't even get me started on the fact that her kid was misdiagnosed.. She makes me want to punch puppies.
Have you ever SEEN pictures of people with measles? Whooping cough? Polio?? What about mumps? A girl I worked with got the mumps LAST year. Oh, but not regular mumps, a different strand of mumps. Because when the virus is introduced, it can start mutating again. So thanks for that.
Here's the deal, there are a TON of people out there (right here) that would (and are) doing every single thing in their power to have a child and if your snot nosed little ankle biter gives theirs fucking MEASLES before they are old enough to get vaxxed. They will most likely go rabid wolverine on your ass.
You don't want to vax? Fine, buy and island and quarantine yourself. Quit putting my hypothetical child's life in danger because the host of SINGLED OUT told you vaccines were bad!
-h
Monday, March 10, 2014
A good weekend
The best things about a Thursday CD1? Drinking all weekend!!!!
Seriously, on my way home from work Thurs, I stopped and bought:
Friday was good, work kept me busy so I didn't kill anyone (always a plus when I'm on my period, no need to perpetuate the stereotypes) Then I got a call from my little sister inviting us our for her hubs bday. She had texted me on Thurs to let me know she was "late" but not pregnant because "I know you'd kill me if I got pregnant again." Thanks... We had a pretty good time, none of their friends are in the baby making mode yet and my niece is almost 5 so it was a lot of talk that WASN'T (gasp) about kids!!
Saturday hubs and his buddy sanded the basement while I cleaned the house. Turns out, it was a wasted effort on my part because as soon as they opened the door, about 3 inches of drywall dust floated up the stairs and settled in on every single fucking surface! His old friend Billy called, we haven't seen him and his wife in months, they wanted to come hang out for a game night. I thought it was odd and then panicked that she was going to announce a pregnancy in my kitchen. Turns out I got all worked up over nothing and we drank and played board games and laughed harder than I have in awhile. Plus sometime around noon AF decided her stay was no longer necessary and she made her departure (cue the sexy-time just for the sake of sexy-time music)
Sunday hubs invited more friends over to BBQ since it was nice out so we drank again!! It was good to be surrounded by everyone this weekend. It really kept me from dwelling on everything. Plus, since almost everyone knows we're trying, and I had drinks in my hand, I didn't have to answer any baby questions.
Dr. appointment is scheduled for April 9th so we have (maybe) one more cycle to do this "for free". I'm getting nervous for the dr. I want to make sure I'm my own advocate but I'm still learning so much that I'm not sure what questions to ask. Any advice from you ladies would be much appreciated.
Seriously, on my way home from work Thurs, I stopped and bought:
- A pint of chocolate almond ice cream
- tampons (I keep telling myself I'll buy a Diva cup and stop wasting money, have any of you tried it?)
- Ibuprofen (cramps were KILLER)
- a bottle of $8 Riesling
Friday was good, work kept me busy so I didn't kill anyone (always a plus when I'm on my period, no need to perpetuate the stereotypes) Then I got a call from my little sister inviting us our for her hubs bday. She had texted me on Thurs to let me know she was "late" but not pregnant because "I know you'd kill me if I got pregnant again." Thanks... We had a pretty good time, none of their friends are in the baby making mode yet and my niece is almost 5 so it was a lot of talk that WASN'T (gasp) about kids!!
Saturday hubs and his buddy sanded the basement while I cleaned the house. Turns out, it was a wasted effort on my part because as soon as they opened the door, about 3 inches of drywall dust floated up the stairs and settled in on every single fucking surface! His old friend Billy called, we haven't seen him and his wife in months, they wanted to come hang out for a game night. I thought it was odd and then panicked that she was going to announce a pregnancy in my kitchen. Turns out I got all worked up over nothing and we drank and played board games and laughed harder than I have in awhile. Plus sometime around noon AF decided her stay was no longer necessary and she made her departure (cue the sexy-time just for the sake of sexy-time music)
Sunday hubs invited more friends over to BBQ since it was nice out so we drank again!! It was good to be surrounded by everyone this weekend. It really kept me from dwelling on everything. Plus, since almost everyone knows we're trying, and I had drinks in my hand, I didn't have to answer any baby questions.
Dr. appointment is scheduled for April 9th so we have (maybe) one more cycle to do this "for free". I'm getting nervous for the dr. I want to make sure I'm my own advocate but I'm still learning so much that I'm not sure what questions to ask. Any advice from you ladies would be much appreciated.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Broke down and bought a FRER yesterday..
With every intention of taking one this morning, 14dpo. But my temps dropped like a rock and I couldn't bring myself to waste it. I'm surprisingly ok mentally right now. But AF still hasn't started so I guess there is still that little niggle of hope in the back of my mind.
I felt like a total asshole yesterday. Like biggest asshole on the planet. I have an old friend that lives out of state. She and I were really close for quite awhile but as our lives changed and it wasn't as easy to just up and go visit ever six months, we grew apart.
Well she got married a couple years ago... to a guy she had been dating for like 6 months. She called and invited me to be a bridesmaid and I accepted, but as we started pricing things, it became clear I wasn't going to be able to afford the trip. I was getting married 2 month before that and even though we didn't have a big wedding, it still wasn't cheap. My cost of going to her wedding: the dress, the shoes, the flight, the hotel room, the rental car, etc was going to be just under $1500. And right after my wedding... I just wasn't going to be able to do it. So I called her and backed out. She said she was fine, she had a back-up. It was plenty of time in advance for another bridesmaid to step in, No biggie. But after that phone call... we didn't talk anymore. I texted her on her wedding day to wish her congrats and good luck. She replied a quick "Thanks, call you later" but that call never came. I texted her again on her birthday, got a thanks again.
Fast forward to August... I get a text of a sonogram... "We're not making it public yet but we're pregnant!"
Due a month after her birthday, so exciting, we just started trying it it happened so fast. Blah Blah Blah. I was happy she was excited but let's face it, she's always jumped into these not so great relationships because she WANTS TO BE MARRIED.. that was her life goal. The whole time she was pursuing her MASTERS, all she could talk about was how she just needed a boyfriend so she could get married. Now I get wanting to be with someone, wanting to find the love of your life. But this is the kind of girl who tried to force square pegs in a round hole in her last 3 relationships. So I was a little skeptical... and I've never met the guy, my fault, I know but whatever.
So I was a little bitter, and then I got the October text "It's a girl" YAY was my reply... radio silence after that. I'm not going to lie, I had to hide her on facebook. I couldn't take all the posts about all these things she was buying for her baby and how the room was coming and all that shit. I just couldn't do it. So I hid her and just checked her page on good days, when I could handle it.
Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking to one of my bf's (the other childless ((by choice for now)) one) about how it was so unfair. Here we have my situation long relationship, trying so hard.. no baby and here is the relationship trainwreck that is our friend and she's 5 weeks away from getting her healthy baby... UGH why is the universe so unfair?? Bitch, Bitch, Moan Moan.. the whole way to work...
Then I get a text. Friend is having complications and they are going in for an emergency C-section. (mind you, this is not from friend but someone who saw it on friend's brothers FACEBOOK).
Great... Now I put it out there and the poor baby is going to come early because I'm a bitter, ugly on the inside, horrible person... Thanks universe... guess that will show me.
Baby was born 5 weeks early. 4lbs 9oz, she's looks great, pink and screaming. Mom is good... All is well. She's having trouble latching but I think that's common for premeies.. Either way, I'm an asshole.
I felt like a total asshole yesterday. Like biggest asshole on the planet. I have an old friend that lives out of state. She and I were really close for quite awhile but as our lives changed and it wasn't as easy to just up and go visit ever six months, we grew apart.
Well she got married a couple years ago... to a guy she had been dating for like 6 months. She called and invited me to be a bridesmaid and I accepted, but as we started pricing things, it became clear I wasn't going to be able to afford the trip. I was getting married 2 month before that and even though we didn't have a big wedding, it still wasn't cheap. My cost of going to her wedding: the dress, the shoes, the flight, the hotel room, the rental car, etc was going to be just under $1500. And right after my wedding... I just wasn't going to be able to do it. So I called her and backed out. She said she was fine, she had a back-up. It was plenty of time in advance for another bridesmaid to step in, No biggie. But after that phone call... we didn't talk anymore. I texted her on her wedding day to wish her congrats and good luck. She replied a quick "Thanks, call you later" but that call never came. I texted her again on her birthday, got a thanks again.
Fast forward to August... I get a text of a sonogram... "We're not making it public yet but we're pregnant!"
Due a month after her birthday, so exciting, we just started trying it it happened so fast. Blah Blah Blah. I was happy she was excited but let's face it, she's always jumped into these not so great relationships because she WANTS TO BE MARRIED.. that was her life goal. The whole time she was pursuing her MASTERS, all she could talk about was how she just needed a boyfriend so she could get married. Now I get wanting to be with someone, wanting to find the love of your life. But this is the kind of girl who tried to force square pegs in a round hole in her last 3 relationships. So I was a little skeptical... and I've never met the guy, my fault, I know but whatever.
So I was a little bitter, and then I got the October text "It's a girl" YAY was my reply... radio silence after that. I'm not going to lie, I had to hide her on facebook. I couldn't take all the posts about all these things she was buying for her baby and how the room was coming and all that shit. I just couldn't do it. So I hid her and just checked her page on good days, when I could handle it.
Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking to one of my bf's (the other childless ((by choice for now)) one) about how it was so unfair. Here we have my situation long relationship, trying so hard.. no baby and here is the relationship trainwreck that is our friend and she's 5 weeks away from getting her healthy baby... UGH why is the universe so unfair?? Bitch, Bitch, Moan Moan.. the whole way to work...
Then I get a text. Friend is having complications and they are going in for an emergency C-section. (mind you, this is not from friend but someone who saw it on friend's brothers FACEBOOK).
Great... Now I put it out there and the poor baby is going to come early because I'm a bitter, ugly on the inside, horrible person... Thanks universe... guess that will show me.
Baby was born 5 weeks early. 4lbs 9oz, she's looks great, pink and screaming. Mom is good... All is well. She's having trouble latching but I think that's common for premeies.. Either way, I'm an asshole.
Friday, February 28, 2014
A little more about me
The new job has been awesome, and tough all at once. I'm trying not to get stressed about the little things and I think I'm doing pretty good! My schedule has been all over the place though, I come in around 830 and some days I'm out by 2pm and some not until 530 or 6pm. Which isn't a huge deal, but it means I miss my classes at the gym!
Speaking of the gym, most of you don't know but last July I started a weight loss program through our local fitness magazine and it was AMAZING!! I had let myself balloon up to over 200lbs and was not comfortable AT ALL.. Dr said (of course, don't they all) that I'd have better chances at getting knocked up on my own if I could drop a few (like 50) pounds. Well I'm not there yet. I'm down 30lbs but the inches I've lost blow me away. And the muscle I've gained is pretty awesome too! Here's a little comparison pic from back in September when we finished.
Seriously, I think that's pretty awesome! After the super intense 12 week program, I had a Hawaiian vacation for a wedding, my 29th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, cold snowy crappy weather and was STILL within 3 lbs of my final weight.
I had looked at the as a fail. I mean here it was 4 months later and I hadn't managed to lose any more weight. Then my trainer started at me and said, "You are looking at this the wrong way, you have managed to MAINTAIN your weight, without rigid structure, without super hardcore workouts and strict meal planning. That isn't a FAIL, that is a WIN" (and then he made me do push-ups... I hate that guy)
A bunch of my fitfam are signing up to do a 5k obstacle course this fall. I'm going to sign up too. I've already missed the deadline for a couple because I was worried about being pregnant at the time. Then I decided I was looking at it all wrong.
Speaking of the gym, most of you don't know but last July I started a weight loss program through our local fitness magazine and it was AMAZING!! I had let myself balloon up to over 200lbs and was not comfortable AT ALL.. Dr said (of course, don't they all) that I'd have better chances at getting knocked up on my own if I could drop a few (like 50) pounds. Well I'm not there yet. I'm down 30lbs but the inches I've lost blow me away. And the muscle I've gained is pretty awesome too! Here's a little comparison pic from back in September when we finished.
I had looked at the as a fail. I mean here it was 4 months later and I hadn't managed to lose any more weight. Then my trainer started at me and said, "You are looking at this the wrong way, you have managed to MAINTAIN your weight, without rigid structure, without super hardcore workouts and strict meal planning. That isn't a FAIL, that is a WIN" (and then he made me do push-ups... I hate that guy)
A bunch of my fitfam are signing up to do a 5k obstacle course this fall. I'm going to sign up too. I've already missed the deadline for a couple because I was worried about being pregnant at the time. Then I decided I was looking at it all wrong.
I'm going to make plans with or without this baby, and if those plans need changed, so be it!
I'm not going to put my life on hold and then regret it later
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