The many faces of Post Partum Depression

Returning to work was hard for me. I came back on a Wednesday, as recommended by every website out there. Don't do a whole week your first week, it's rough on you they say. Turns out, even a half week is rough too.

I spent the Monday and Tuesday prior to my return crying on my baby's head all day. It's not right you know, to leave your infant. Every single fiber of my being was screaming at me to not leave. It's not like he was going to a strangers though, I mean he was with my mom and home with N it should be fine. Thousands upon thousands of women do it every year. It's the new normal.. it's okay, we'll be okay.

I thought I was okay. I didn't cry that whole first week, or most of the second. but right around the 10th day I had to kiss my happy smiling baby goodbye and then hear that he was crying and fighting sleep for my mom, I lost it.

When I say lost it, I mean I cried for about 4 hours every day. I cried on my way to work, I cried every pump session, I cried on my way to get him. He cries a lot too. He misses me, as soon as we get home each evening he nurses until he falls asleep... usually 2 or 3 hours straight of nursing. I take comfort in that, the re-connection, the bonding.

2 weeks ago it was really bad. N worked on Tuesday night and Ollie had an appointment at 3:40 on Wednesday afternoon so the plan was for my SIL to come over and watch O at our house while N slept for a few hours, then they would meet me at my work and we'd go to the appt together... That plan flew out the window when my baby screamed for 3 hours straight and refused his bottle. N had to drive him out to me (I live 45 mins from work). I climbed in the backseat, unbuckled my red, screaming, now hoarse baby and nursed him while wiping the sweat off his little head. He sighed and moaned as he ate and it broke my heart into a million pieces.

He was fine now that he was with me. My inconsolable baby was now consoled but I couldn't be there for him every day. It's not feasible to bring him to me every time he's upset. I'm starting to cry now just thinking about it.

Last week I got in fight with N on my way home from work. I was crying again, upset that I was forced to be away from my baby for 55 hours a week. He wasn't very supportive, attempting to be logical when I just wanted him to listen. I snapped at him hard. He ended the conversation with a recommendation to call my dr. He was right.

See post-partum depression isn't the same for everyone. Some people have aversions to caring for their baby, they feel trapped at home, tied down by the new little human dictating their every move. But me? I feel trapped at work, unable to care for him, the way only a mother can. I feel that NO ONE is doing it right without me there to watch, no one can hold him, or burp him correctly. No one else can soothe him like I can. And more obviously, no one can nurse him. I fell into a pit of despair that I will miss EVERYTHING, his first laugh (which I did already miss), first roll, first steps, first word. The odds of me being there when I only spend 4 waking hours with him a day are slim. That notion is more than just a bummer... it's completely unacceptable.

Compounding my sadness is anger. While I was on leave, a lot of things changed at work. I thought they might but I wasn't prepared to be told that I could no longer work remotely and then to not be given a reason why. I was counting on being able to spend at least one day working from home, as I have since I started. To help break up the time he's away from me, even if he's being watched by my SIL or N while I'm in our office at home. He can be brought to me to eat, I can go to him to calm him, to put him down for his naps but that's no longer an option and I'm not given a reason.. I'm an adult... I don't do well with "because I said so"

So I spend 30-45 minutes 3 times a day pumping in an office trying not to worry about having enough for the next day, watching videos of my little man to help coax my milk out. I hate every single second of it.

My dr put me on some meds, they're supposed to kick in around week 3... I have the card of a counselor in my wallet... I haven't called yet.

18 weeks, seriously?

It seems like time is starting to fly by now. Gone is the lingering dread that I carried for so long and it's refreshing to have that weight lifted.

I'm still overwhelmed by thinking too far ahead. Planning a shower, starting a registry, it's all too much some days so I just put it off. Probably not the best of ideas but it is what it is.

Work has been a disaster lately. I'm really stressed out here, I feel like I have too much on my plate some days and I'm really concerned that they don't seem to want to talk about me going on leave for 3 months. I'm worried that they'll half ass it and I'll come back to a disaster.

Hubs is about to lose his overtime opportunities so that's been a little stressful. Currently he picks up 4 extra shifts per month and that is almost an extra $1000 that we're putting to the house remodel and other things we need to get done.

We've decided to go see his mother in October. I'm not really looking forward to that because she and I don't really get along but it will be nice to get away for a little bit.

So that's my totally uneventful update. Sorry I suck

13weeks? Already?

I'm officially 13 weeks today and still feeling fairly awesome! Besides the tiredness... and the waking up at 3am to eat and then not go back to bed, that part kind of sucks.

I'm taking a break from Twitter for awhile. It was getting overwhelming and I can't seem to keep my feelings in check so hubs strongly suggested that it might be best to take a little break and try and focus on me and Nugget for awhile. I don't think it's a bad idea but it's weird.

Things have been really great lately. I think the roommate has a plan to be out by mid-August which is a month before the deadline I gave her. She's been keeping more out of our hair as well so that's been good.

I did have a little work breakdown on Friday, apparently someone said I'd been "complaining" too much. Well here's the thing, it's my job to make sure shit gets done and when you don't do your part and I have to chase you for weeks, OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO SEEM LIKE I'M COMPLAINING. So now I'm trying to be so sweet it makes your teeth hurt to all these jackasses and take every single grievance to my boss so he can be the asshole for awhile.

I finally came out to my co-workers at our agency (they're in another location... state, timezone!!) that I'm pregnant and will be taking maternity leave. The one person I spoke with directly (I chickened out and emailed the rest) was so excited but also so nervous. Apparently I'm the example of my position that "no one worries about" so he's concerned about who will cover me and how they'll interact. I get it, it makes me nervous too!!

So now I'm totally out. To work, to my family, to Facebook, to the world. It is starting to feel a little more real. Especially now that I'm starting to get a little bump that isn't bloat!!

So that's my update. Hope all is well. I've been stalking from afar so if you haven't updated your blog, here's your friendly reminder!!!

JUST RELAX...

I haven't been able to fall asleep lately, even more so than usual. Part of it is stress about work, part of it is stress about IF and part of it is good TV... ok maybe not good tv.. but tv.

Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.

On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.

At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.

We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.

Old wives tales a.k.a Smiling and playing along

On Friday, the girls in the office that sit one row away were all a twitter; giggling, gasping and other gleeful noises drifted over my way. I was trying to ignore them, I've only been there 3 weeks so I don't know them very well. I heard one say "no, what if it says I'm infertile and I cry?"

That caught my attention and I had to go see what it was all about.

They were doing this pencil on a string thing to tell you how many kids you'll have an what sex they will be.

The trick goes like this: You thread a needle then stick the needle into the eraser of a sharpened pencil (no lie, my first thought was who the hell has a actual wooden pencil anymore). You hover the pencil over the test subjects left wrist and the pencil starts to circle, if it then swings up and down the arm, she'll have a boy, if it goes across, a girl. The "test" isn't over until the pencil stops moving. If it goes up and down then circles again then goes up and down again then stops... Two boys.

So here they are, "testing" everyone in the office and now I had to go stick my big nose in it. Now of course they want to do mine.. Mind you, I am on CD31, been having negative HPT's for 4 days, and no sign of AF in sight... I was a little sensitive to say the least.

I had a dilemma, do I play along, let them have their fun and not say a word? Or do I tell them I'm not in the mood and then have to explain why.

Since I'm trying to be more positive, I went with the first.

According to the pencil, I'll have 2 kids, a boy then a girl. I was really proud of myself for not bursting in to tears while they were doing it.

Why is my face always wet?

I've always been emotional, I got made fun of for it all the time when I was younger so I learned to toughen up but lately, I've been an emotional wreck! And this is BEFORE we start meds.. When we do start I'd like to set up a schedule of callers to check on the health and well being of N because I don't know if he'll make it!

I'm crying constantly, over the silliest stuff. I cried during a coco butter commercial. What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with me? My dog is staring at me like I'm an alien. The worst part? It's not even real crying, it's just like my eyes start watering until they are overflowing down my face. No sobbing, no ugly cry face (trust me, I checked) just a river of tears dripping off my chin.

Friday night, we went to get a present for my best friend's daughter. My husband found me standing in the middle of an aisle, tears on high, all because I saw the cutest onesie. (He bought me battleship and got me drunk to "fix" it) And Sunday, I almost made it through the whole 4th birthday party without crying... But then they lined up all the kids for a picture and between 3 of my friends there were 7 little ones. I was the only non-parent there. I had to leave.

My bf is totally understanding and doesn't take it personal, she knows I love her and her little brood but when I snuggle up with her youngest I'm reminded of the "chemical pregnancy" I had when she found out she was expecting him. We always planned to be pregnant together, raise our kids together but he's her 3rd and final one.. We won't be able to share that and I grieve.

I'm on cycle day 14 and my handy dandy app so very helpfully is saying I'll O sometime between tomorrow and Valentines day.. I swear that window couldn't be any longer! Oh and I started a new job so I'm meeting all new people and the first round of questions always includes "have any kids?" I've held it together so far though so that's a good sign.

P.S. All you working ladies.. Do you manage to take an OPK at work so you hit that 2-230 window or just piss on the stick when you get home? I don't want to miss my surge but I also don't want to be seen carrying a cup into the bathroom and then hanging out in there for 5 mins...