The many faces of Post Partum Depression

Returning to work was hard for me. I came back on a Wednesday, as recommended by every website out there. Don't do a whole week your first week, it's rough on you they say. Turns out, even a half week is rough too.

I spent the Monday and Tuesday prior to my return crying on my baby's head all day. It's not right you know, to leave your infant. Every single fiber of my being was screaming at me to not leave. It's not like he was going to a strangers though, I mean he was with my mom and home with N it should be fine. Thousands upon thousands of women do it every year. It's the new normal.. it's okay, we'll be okay.

I thought I was okay. I didn't cry that whole first week, or most of the second. but right around the 10th day I had to kiss my happy smiling baby goodbye and then hear that he was crying and fighting sleep for my mom, I lost it.

When I say lost it, I mean I cried for about 4 hours every day. I cried on my way to work, I cried every pump session, I cried on my way to get him. He cries a lot too. He misses me, as soon as we get home each evening he nurses until he falls asleep... usually 2 or 3 hours straight of nursing. I take comfort in that, the re-connection, the bonding.

2 weeks ago it was really bad. N worked on Tuesday night and Ollie had an appointment at 3:40 on Wednesday afternoon so the plan was for my SIL to come over and watch O at our house while N slept for a few hours, then they would meet me at my work and we'd go to the appt together... That plan flew out the window when my baby screamed for 3 hours straight and refused his bottle. N had to drive him out to me (I live 45 mins from work). I climbed in the backseat, unbuckled my red, screaming, now hoarse baby and nursed him while wiping the sweat off his little head. He sighed and moaned as he ate and it broke my heart into a million pieces.

He was fine now that he was with me. My inconsolable baby was now consoled but I couldn't be there for him every day. It's not feasible to bring him to me every time he's upset. I'm starting to cry now just thinking about it.

Last week I got in fight with N on my way home from work. I was crying again, upset that I was forced to be away from my baby for 55 hours a week. He wasn't very supportive, attempting to be logical when I just wanted him to listen. I snapped at him hard. He ended the conversation with a recommendation to call my dr. He was right.

See post-partum depression isn't the same for everyone. Some people have aversions to caring for their baby, they feel trapped at home, tied down by the new little human dictating their every move. But me? I feel trapped at work, unable to care for him, the way only a mother can. I feel that NO ONE is doing it right without me there to watch, no one can hold him, or burp him correctly. No one else can soothe him like I can. And more obviously, no one can nurse him. I fell into a pit of despair that I will miss EVERYTHING, his first laugh (which I did already miss), first roll, first steps, first word. The odds of me being there when I only spend 4 waking hours with him a day are slim. That notion is more than just a bummer... it's completely unacceptable.

Compounding my sadness is anger. While I was on leave, a lot of things changed at work. I thought they might but I wasn't prepared to be told that I could no longer work remotely and then to not be given a reason why. I was counting on being able to spend at least one day working from home, as I have since I started. To help break up the time he's away from me, even if he's being watched by my SIL or N while I'm in our office at home. He can be brought to me to eat, I can go to him to calm him, to put him down for his naps but that's no longer an option and I'm not given a reason.. I'm an adult... I don't do well with "because I said so"

So I spend 30-45 minutes 3 times a day pumping in an office trying not to worry about having enough for the next day, watching videos of my little man to help coax my milk out. I hate every single second of it.

My dr put me on some meds, they're supposed to kick in around week 3... I have the card of a counselor in my wallet... I haven't called yet.

18 weeks, seriously?

It seems like time is starting to fly by now. Gone is the lingering dread that I carried for so long and it's refreshing to have that weight lifted.

I'm still overwhelmed by thinking too far ahead. Planning a shower, starting a registry, it's all too much some days so I just put it off. Probably not the best of ideas but it is what it is.

Work has been a disaster lately. I'm really stressed out here, I feel like I have too much on my plate some days and I'm really concerned that they don't seem to want to talk about me going on leave for 3 months. I'm worried that they'll half ass it and I'll come back to a disaster.

Hubs is about to lose his overtime opportunities so that's been a little stressful. Currently he picks up 4 extra shifts per month and that is almost an extra $1000 that we're putting to the house remodel and other things we need to get done.

We've decided to go see his mother in October. I'm not really looking forward to that because she and I don't really get along but it will be nice to get away for a little bit.

So that's my totally uneventful update. Sorry I suck

I love the all the Twits

But it's days like today that terrify me.

So many of my online clan have gotten terrible news over the past 3 days. From BFNs, to awful beta's to miscarriages. I'm heartbroken for every single one of them.

It's so hard to stay positive sometimes. It's hard not to be gripped by the fear. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me too. I want to be there for all of them. I want to hold their hands, buy them a drink and promise them it will all be ok... I want to be able to keep that promise. It's just so unfair.

I'm so nervous for Friday's scan. I'd like to just fall asleep and wake up on my way there. My whole life is hinging on that little heartbeat and if it's not there... I just don't know what I'll do.

I've been so lucky this far and there's nothing I can do but cross my fingers that my luck holds out and Nugget is growing just like s/he's supposed to.

I don't do sick

I'm not a very good sick person. I don't like feeling crummy and it makes me kind of a whiney bitch.

Monday night I went to bed early like 830pm early because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Last night was the same. I was exhausted and I felt like crap and I had a fever. YUCK! I hate having a fever. I run cold anyway so 100 degrees for me is like MY EYEBALLS ARE ON FIRE SHOOT ME NOW!

I went to bed. Woke up wide awake at 230am finally went back to sleep around 5am. and got up to work from home at 9. I'm miserable. My head is foggy, I have a cough and my eyeballs hurt from being hot.

I want a blankie and my mommy and a nap.

Plus N and I got in a fight last night about treatment. He's got a couple issues from what I can see, one is money, he's really really really concerned about the amount of money we'll spend on the chance at a child.

The other is the level of treatments he's ok with. Right now that list is really really short. Like not even including IUI because it's "weird". I'm really hoping he opens his mind a little because right now, since we don't have any idea what we'll need to do, we don't have many options at all.

This is a pain in the ass and makes me hate people that just have sex and get pregnant.

Fuck this day

I'm having an awful day.. and it started last night. I've got all the signs that I'm getting close to Oing.. will I or won't I is the question but hubs has been stressed and is having trouble... ahem... performing. Well that's not entirely true. The performance is great, it's the finale that never comes. (pun totally intended)

And let's get serious.. when you have fertile CM, a high open cervix... that's the only part that matters!! I try not to let my disappointment show, I don't want to hurt his feelings but it's very difficult. The window is so small and there are already odds stacked against us and that's even before you account for the fact that I may or may not even end up ovulating. I'm not mad or upset with HIM, just with the situation in general. This, of course, started a heated discussion.

I'm upset that I don't feel like he's vested in this. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, how much work it is. How scary it is. Even when I tell him he's so blase about the whole thing. He told me last night that he's "fine with having a kid and fine if we don't". That really caught me off guard. I tried to explain that child-free is forever, like we can't change our minds in 10 years and just have a baby. He said he understands that, but to me, where I am right now, that's unfathomable. (please note, I intend absolutely NO disrespect to those who have chosen to live child free, regardless of what lead them to that choice, it's just not for me at this point)

I talked about my next steps, going to the Dr in a couple weeks, most likely moving to Clomid (or Femara) and what that would entail. I explained that it would be devastating to me if we spent the money/time on a medicated cycle and then he couldn't "do his part". Honestly, I felt awful telling him that, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest. That is the truth. I don't want to take medicines, be monitored, possibly have to take more meds to trigger and then he not pull his weight in the process. Does that make me an awful person, maybe. But we've all thought it.

I explained to him that there is a limited number of cycles we can do like that, and that IUI would most likely be the next step. He didn't know what it was so I explained... you play happy time into a cup, they put it in me with a turkey baster (ok, it's a lot more medical than that but you get the gist). He said "I don't want to do that, that's weird" I started crying. He said "Of course I'll probably do it because that's what you want" I cried harder.

Hubs has never been an emotional guy, he's not a feelings talker but is it so hard for you to just SAY that WE want it? Because then my brain spirals into all the "what if he doesn't want this" "Am I forcing him to do something he doesn't want?" "what if it does work and he hates me forever?" (Brains are great at hyperbole) He was reassuring that if he didn't want to do this, we wouldn't even be talking about it, but that doesn't really help.

He said IVF is off the table. We won't go in to debt on the gamble of having a child (which by nature would just cost us more money) I'm heartbroken. I know there is a ways to go before we have to make that decision, but to hear him put it so bluntly is gut wrenching. I hope that he'll change his mind.

This is getting much longer than intended. So if you've made it this far, congrats and thank you. I'm off to go sit in my car and cry some more so my co-workers don't think I'm insane. I need to get that goldfish bowl

Will I or won't I?

My last few days have been alllll about tracking that O. Peeing on sticks, temping like a madman, comparing charts to others. The big question is:
Will I actually ovulate this cycle?

I've been having anovulatory cycles more often than not so I'm really hoping we actually have a chance this month. Told N it's on like donkey kong, and I'm acting like a horny teenager.

See he works nights and I work days, we have about 30 minutes together in the AM before I have to get ready for work and on nights he works, I don't even make it home before he leaves.. This makes constant sex really hard to accomplish. I mean really, really hard. I'm NOT a morning person, so trying to get in the mood at 630am hasn't been easy. And when I'm not in the mood, it's pretty obvious.

Add that to the fact that N gets a little performance anxiety when so much is on the line AND having a 30 minute time limit and sometimes what gets started, never gets finished. It's difficult to not be disappointed. And I'm not disappointed in HIM just at the situation. I want to be pregnant so bad, and I want to take every chance we have to do it naturally, but I don't want it to feel like a chore for either of us.

So how do you walk that line? How do you make timed sex still feel spontaneous and sexy? And how do you mask the pain when it doesn't work?

-h