First Scan

Still no official date but I'm dating myself at 5weeks.

We had our first scan this afternoon. Lovely dildo-cam action,  There is one gestational sac, one yolk sac and a teensy tiny little bright spot that will turn into our little nugget. It was awesome and surreal but I still don't feel pregnant...

I had this overwhelming feeling this morning that I was going to go to the scan, it would be an empty womb and they'd lock me up for insanity because I'd made up the whole thing. Guessing hormones are nice and active....

ANNNNNND not only did I ovulate (which dr didn't think I did) BUT it came from my right ovary!!! So looks like meatwad didn't ruin that ovary afterall!!! So that's exciting.

I go back again in 3 weeks to hopefully see more and even maybe a heartbeat!!

Still no morning sickness and this hunger is getting REAL.. I mean I'm STARVING all the time.. only up 1lb though because I'm stuffing my face with healthy choices... let's see how long that lasts.

I'm officially "that" girl

I'm not going to lie.. I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me! You see I feel like an asshole, a fraud, a jerk. I'm that girl, the one that stopped tracking, temping, symptom spotting and ended up with her BFP. Don't ever tell anyone my story, I'm a fluke and it's not helpful. 

See I didn't know how to break it to you. I mean some of you are my tweeple and found out on twitter because I panicked and posted the pic of my test, but it takes more than that to sit down and address it in a blog post. So here's the story of my second ever BFP, and the only pregnancy that's lasted more than a week.

Since we were supposed to start Clomid this next cycle, I had given up on this one. I wasn't tracking*, I didn't temp (seriously, my battery on the thermometer died and I was too lazy to get a replacement) we were just counting the days until CD1 so we could have a fresh start. I was prescribed Provera to force a period since my CD21 bloodwork said I didn't ovulate (jokes on you sucker.. it was like CD23 that I finally did) but I had a feeling I was about to start on my own (sore boobs, gassy, cranky, general AF stuff) so I was going to wait it out. I don't like taking meds if I don't have to, like I really despise it

5/14 -14dpo (based soley on my non-tracked symptoms) and AF wasn't here. I was getting impatient to start the cycle, figured I'd test, confirm my BFN, start my Provera and get on with it. 

So there I was with a Sure Predict and some pee in a cup (not even first morning pee) and 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't cry I kind of laughed, then panicked. I waited a couple hours and took another test terrified it would be blank like before. But it wasn't. my FRER had two pink lines... and the test line was way darker than the control. 

I called my dr on 5/15 to see what he wanted me to do. He wasn't in but the NP ordered a beta to confirm. I got those results on Friday 5/16... 1159!! Seemed high, maybe I O'd earlier than I though? We'll see. They aren't going to do a repeat blood draw because it's so high. I'm scheduled for a scan on Wednesday 5/21. 

I'm nervous, I'm scared and I feel like a jerk. 

There are so many of you that are still waiting, that have been in this fight much longer than I, that have lost so much more than we have. I feel for you, you deserve this. I can't explain how grateful I am for those that have been here, watching others get the one thing they so desperately want and deserve, supporting the new people coming in, cheering for those that get their miracle. You are all so freaking awesome. 

I don't know where I'm going to take the blog from here. I feel like I haven't really been around long enough to have followers that really need my blog. I mean, if you really love me, let me know, and we can work something out. I'll probably do random updates so you know I'm alive. I'll try and keep the alien baby crap to a minimum and if you want to unfollow me, or never speak to me or give me a virtual punch in the incredibly sore boobs, I totally understand that too..

-h

*ok maybe a little tracking of CM and CP, but JUST around when I though I might be Oing

My Body Is A Wonderland (and sometimes a horror house)

Welp, yesterday's random high temp was.... Option C!! I was hot. Those who guessed correctly win a prize*

My temp went back down, but still above coverline. (which I still don't trust because it's lower than last cycles). At this point I'm not sure what to think about my fucked up broken body. Not to mention starting last night I noticed I was tender to the touch right inside my right hipbone, which could mean I have something funky going on with meatwad's old house (you can read more about meatwad here and here) Just let me tell you how excited THAT idea makes me. UGH

I'm 6 days out from my appointment with Dr C. I'm still super nervous. I've got this whole list of things I want to ask him or discuss but I'm afraid we won't get to it all, or I'll forget, or something. I'm not nervous with meeting with him though, He's been my GYN since I was 15. He's my mom's, and both my sister's GYN. He delivered my niece AND my youngest brother and sister (the latter I was in the room for!) He's really kind, very soft spoken, has AMAZING bedside manner and knows all my history/family history. But I'm worried that his calm demeanor might mask the seriousness of what's going on.

Even when meatwad was removed, he was really nonchalant about the whole ordeal, which is good because it kept me calm. He has an air of confidence that doesn't even cross over into the realm of cocky. I'm lucky to have him. He's one of the most popular OB/GYN's in town. I'm also worried that if he can't help me, I'll have to change doctors and facilities. That makes me a little crazy, the thought of change and a stranger trying to fix me. What if s/he's an asshole? Or rude? Or like that Dr. from Knocked Up? It gets my heart racing just thinking about it.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. 8dpo, not a lot of symptoms, maybe didn't even ovulate, driving myself nuts... Welcome to my freakshow

-h

*prize to be determined at at later date, prize will not have actual value and my not even be a physical thing. The writer reserves the right to take back the prize if you're a jerk about it.

How well do you know your body?

Seriously, think about it. How much tracking have you done of every single flipping thing in the last 3 months? 6 months? Year?

If I asked you what your "symptoms" were on the 5th day of your cycle could you conjure up some chart, some app, some notebook that would tell you?

Do know you exactly what your O pain feels like? What position your cervix is in right before you start your period?

If asked, could you produce the EXACT dates of your last years of cycles? I know I can. I've been tracking for a long, long time.

I started well before I was TCC. And it started slow, just tracking my periods every month. Then I started tracking when I did the deed (no shit, I can tell you the exact dates I've had sex for the last 6 years, well I could, before my stupid phone crapped out, now I have to cross fingers I got that backed up to my SD card recently)

Then came symptoms. I was irregular so I thought maybe if I can remember exactly what days I started getting gassy, or crampy or my boobs felt like they had swollen up the size of my head, then maybe I could better predict when I'd start. Nothing to do with TTC, more about making sure I packed tampons when I needed them.

Then came the temping, every single morning I roll over and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I do anything else, I record it and usually fall back asleep until I can't waste anymore time without skipping a shower for work (and I've done it, I love my bed)

So now I have all this data and it's done me abso-fucking-lutely NO GOOD.

None of these things has helped me get pregnant. So is it a waste of time? Maybe. But I feel like I can control that. So I'll continue doing it until I just can't take it anymore.

It's awesome to know so much more about myself but it also makes me extremely jealous of people how just get pregnant. My little sister was like 16 weeks along when she found out... SIXTEEN WEEKS.

I start taking tests like 10dpo. How can you not know.. or at least suspect something for 16 weeks?!?!

It blows my mind.

Oh FF says I'm 7dpo, I had a huge temp spike today. Could mean a couple of things. A) I didn't O 7 days ago but O'd yesterday. B) I did O 7 days ago and implanted yesterday and will have one of the coveted triphasic charts C) I was hot last night

-h

It's all about the numbers and super cute bags

Nothing fun from me on April Fool's Day.. I'm super lame like that.
Today is 6dpo according to FF, with SOLID crosshairs might I add. Though my temps are still lower than last cycle so I'm leery. It's also 8 days until my dr appointment, which means my 2WW will/should end then. So, that could be fun. Maybe, probably not.

I have no symptoms. Nothing, nada, zilch. and last time, that meant I hadn't ACTUALLY ovulated, that FF was a big fat liar face. I'm attempting to keep hubs on a reg bd schedule just in case.. we'll see how that goes.

Oh, I'm having a Thirty-One bags catalog party (and by catalog, I mean online... SAVE THE TREES)

So, if you are familiar with their bags and need something, check it out, buy through my party and I'll love you forever (make sure you spend the extra for direct shipping as me hand delivering probably isn't an option)

If you HAVEN'T ever seen Thirty-One bags... click on over and empty your wallets. Seriously, adorable, super helpful shit over here!

LINK TO PARTY

Bad Blogger

As it turns out, I'm not that great of a blogger, especially when there isn't much to report! I'm counting down the days (9.5) until my doc appt to figure out where we go next. Today is CD26 and my handy dandy little app is trying to tell me it's also 5dpo. I'm not real convinced. My temps are lower than they were post ovulation last cycle by .5 or more but based on other signs like CM and CP. I've got solid crosshairs. Good news is, we managed to get a couple "sessions" in during that fertile window so IF it is right, we have a chance. I'm not getting my hopes up though.

The end of last week was incredibly busy at work. I mean like didn't have time to eat lunch busy and then my child free friend came to town and stayed the weekend at my house which means I'm about 5 days behind in catching up and reading all your blogs. I promise I'll catch up as soon as I can!!

I had a good lunch with my other bestie (the one with three kiddos) on Saturday. I was so relieved she didn't take me turning her down last weekend personally, I had been really torn up about it. We sat and chatted for about an hour just catching up and I aired a little of my frustration with the whole situation. It was nice to have someone just listen. And to hear her ask sincerely, "Well what do you need from me?" felt great. Even though there isn't anything she can do but listen, to know the offer is there warms my heart.

Oh, I coached soccer on Saturday. Somehow I got wrangled in to coaching 2 teams again this season so I have a 3-5yr old team and a 1st and 2nd grade team. They are great! Well most of them. I have this kid on my little team that's just an asshole. I really hate calling a 4 yr old an asshole but he is! He doesn't play well as a team, he's mean to the other kids, he's whiny, he talks back to me and his mom just sits there and plays on her phone. It's so frustrating!! Either way, both teams won! I was really proud of them.

So that's my update, sorry it's not more interesting :)

-h

Crosshairs are back

Now FF is saying I ovulated on CD36! My temps have been elevated and fairly steady for the first time this cycle!

I'm cautiously optimistic about this change. Today would be 8dpo with an implantation dip yesterday. My boobs started getting sore to the touch yesterday, more so today.

I can't decide if I want to waste more tests by starting to test 10dpo or just wait for my period to be late.

It's funny because I can still remember buying tests and begging them to be negative. I guess it was hard for me to remember some people (lots of people) bought them in hopes of that second line.

So what do we talk about while we wait? Hmmmmm..

Well basement finishing is coming along fine. Hubby got a new schedule at work.. 7 days on/7days off. And he works 12hr night shifts. So wed-fri I'll see him for about 40mins in the morning before I leave for work. The Sat-Sun he'll be sleeping all day. And Mon-wed back to the 40min each morning.. I'm really crossing my fingers that IF I have a next cycle, it's on his off week.. BDing before rushing to work is not my idea of a good time!

-h

Weekends bring family...

And family bring questions.

We're finishing our basement and our families have been helping, since it's the weekend everyone is over.

So everyone has asked about us having a baby.

"finishing the basement for a playroom?"

"need to get the new carpet before you have a little one.. Doing that soon?"

"are you going to repaint the spare rooms or just wait until you're pregnant"

It's frustrating because I don't know what we're going to do yet. We are in a holding pattern until April when we see the doc. I don't know if we can schedule a week long camping trip in May. I don't know if I can go to Vegas in July, or OH in June. I just don't know.

I don't want to put my life on hold but I can't commit to something that might interfere with whatever treatment we might be doing.

Oh and to top it all off.. FF gave me crosshairs again.. Point ovulation on CD36. Seems late to me, I'm having a hard time believing that though.

Holy O (well according to my temps)

According to my lovely Fertility Friend app I have actually ovulated!

On my own!

No meds!

For the first time since I've been temping, I actually have crosshairs on my chart! I'm excited about that, but trying to keep my hopes at a level I can handle. We did manage to get some lovin' done during the "fertile" phase so I guess I'm now actually in my 2 week wait.

It's weird, I think I actually felt ovulation on Friday night on my way home from work. A sharp pain on my left side (which would make sense since my right ovary doesn't cooperate at all). Honestly, I dismissed it as gas when it happened! My temps spiked Saturday and were elevated yesterday and today so I got crosshairs! Usually, my temps look like a kindergarten version of a mountain range, or alligator teeth.. Up down, up down up down down up down..but this month they have been more stable.

Now we've got steps 1 and 2 down.
1)do the deed
2)ovulate

Let's just see if the rest of the steps fall in place. Fingers crossed but I'm trying to stay realistic.

Will I or won't I?

My last few days have been alllll about tracking that O. Peeing on sticks, temping like a madman, comparing charts to others. The big question is:
Will I actually ovulate this cycle?

I've been having anovulatory cycles more often than not so I'm really hoping we actually have a chance this month. Told N it's on like donkey kong, and I'm acting like a horny teenager.

See he works nights and I work days, we have about 30 minutes together in the AM before I have to get ready for work and on nights he works, I don't even make it home before he leaves.. This makes constant sex really hard to accomplish. I mean really, really hard. I'm NOT a morning person, so trying to get in the mood at 630am hasn't been easy. And when I'm not in the mood, it's pretty obvious.

Add that to the fact that N gets a little performance anxiety when so much is on the line AND having a 30 minute time limit and sometimes what gets started, never gets finished. It's difficult to not be disappointed. And I'm not disappointed in HIM just at the situation. I want to be pregnant so bad, and I want to take every chance we have to do it naturally, but I don't want it to feel like a chore for either of us.

So how do you walk that line? How do you make timed sex still feel spontaneous and sexy? And how do you mask the pain when it doesn't work?

-h