Friday, February 14, 2014

Mourning for what never was

If I hadn't have had that chemical pregnancy, I would have an almost 5 month old today. It's mind boggling to think about.

My best friend was pregnant, with her 3rd. She was not exactly happy about it, she had always said "Two hands, two kids" so when she found out she was pregnant she was happy, and sad at the same time. She called me knowing that as logical and pragmatic as I am, she could vent her frustrations without judgement. And I didn't judge her. Her ability to get pregnant easily, and on accident no less, has no bearing on my current struggles. Even though I already "knew" it was not going to be so easy for me, I couldn't blame that on her.

So we talked for an hour on my way home from work and I'll never forget the stoplight I was at where I brought up that my cycle had been screwed up again, my "period 3 weeks earlier lasted for just 1.5 days. She gushed, "Maybe you're pregnant!!! We could be pregnant together and it wouldn't be so awful." So that's how she talked me in to taking a test, at 8pm, on January 31st. I don't know why I chose the digital first, maybe it's because I got a bunch of them on clearance and I knew it would just TELL me, no guess work.

So I pee'd, I waited and there it was...
(Don't mind the pee splatters on it)

I called my bf immediately, (N was at a concert with friends, I hadn't exactly expected this to be positive) and asked "what are the odds of a false positive.. on a digital! She screamed, I screamed, we were excited! I couldn't wait to tell N (even though we weren't officially trying yet), I was worried about telling my other bf that I would have to miss her wedding in HAWAII. But I was PREGNANT, I was happy! So I downed a bunch of water and peed on a cheapie.. it was negative. We decided that's because I drank too much and diluted my pee. So I went to the store and bought 2 other brands of digi's to use the next morning.

I picked up N from his concert (may I add how incredibly drunk he was?) and I showed him the picture of the positive and the negative and said "We MIGHT be pregnant" He cried. I was kind of surprised at his reaction. (If you ask him today, he'll deny that completely)

So the next morning, I took a test, it was negative. I started to panic, I called my Dr. and they said to wait until Sunday and test again, give my hormones time to increase. This wasn't the answer I wanted!! Internet to the rescue!!!! I found some stories that showed me hope, the different brands have different sensitivities, it might be too soon... etc. I found other stories that weren't so bright, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages.. I was torn, I was worried, and all I could do was wait.

Sunday morning came and so did another negative. So there they were, my hopes and dreams all laid out on the bathroom counter
Monday morning rolled around and I called my Dr again. They wanted me to come in for bloodwork (I think more to calm me than anything). It was confirmed, I caught the tail end of a chemical pregnancy.

I was devastated. I had been pregnant, and not even known. If she hadn't convinced me to take that test, I would have never known. If I would have waited until the next morning, I wouldn't have known. 

But I did know. 

I knew and it hurt. 


  1. I can only imagine how hard it is after getting your hopes up…even if just for such a short period of time. :(

  2. Thank you. It is hard, especially today.