tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12981579876319436022024-03-05T10:52:35.231-06:00Baby Made ThreeBut it still stings.... Infertility isn't cured by a babyhollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-48098571690805940642015-04-28T10:56:00.000-05:002015-04-28T10:56:37.168-05:00The many faces of Post Partum DepressionReturning to work was hard for me. I came back on a Wednesday, as recommended by every website out there. Don't do a whole week your first week, it's rough on you they say. Turns out, even a half week is rough too.<br />
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I spent the Monday and Tuesday prior to my return crying on my baby's head all day. It's not right you know, to leave your infant. Every single fiber of my being was screaming at me to not leave. It's not like he was going to a strangers though, I mean he was with my mom and home with N it should be fine. Thousands upon thousands of women do it every year. It's the new normal.. it's okay, we'll be okay.<br />
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I thought I was okay. I didn't cry that whole first week, or most of the second. but right around the 10th day I had to kiss my happy smiling baby goodbye and then hear that he was crying and fighting sleep for my mom, I lost it.<br />
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When I say lost it, I mean I cried for about 4 hours every day. I cried on my way to work, I cried every pump session, I cried on my way to get him. He cries a lot too. He misses me, as soon as we get home each evening he nurses until he falls asleep... usually 2 or 3 hours straight of nursing. I take comfort in that, the re-connection, the bonding.<br />
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2 weeks ago it was really bad. N worked on Tuesday night and Ollie had an appointment at 3:40 on Wednesday afternoon so the plan was for my SIL to come over and watch O at our house while N slept for a few hours, then they would meet me at my work and we'd go to the appt together... That plan flew out the window when my baby screamed for 3 hours straight and refused his bottle. N had to drive him out to me (I live 45 mins from work). I climbed in the backseat, unbuckled my red, screaming, now hoarse baby and nursed him while wiping the sweat off his little head. He sighed and moaned as he ate and it broke my heart into a million pieces.<br />
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He was fine now that he was with me. My inconsolable baby was now consoled but I couldn't be there for him every day. It's not feasible to bring him to me every time he's upset. I'm starting to cry now just thinking about it.<br />
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Last week I got in fight with N on my way home from work. I was crying again, upset that I was forced to be away from my baby for 55 hours a week. He wasn't very supportive, attempting to be logical when I just wanted him to listen. I snapped at him hard. He ended the conversation with a recommendation to call my dr. He was right.<br />
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See post-partum depression isn't the same for everyone. Some people have aversions to caring for their baby, they feel trapped at home, tied down by the new little human dictating their every move. But me? I feel trapped at work, unable to care for him, the way only a mother can. I feel that NO ONE is doing it right without me there to watch, no one can hold him, or burp him correctly. No one else can soothe him like I can. And more obviously, no one can nurse him. I fell into a pit of despair that I will miss EVERYTHING, his first laugh (which I did already miss), first roll, first steps, first word. The odds of me being there when I only spend 4 waking hours with him a day are slim. That notion is more than just a bummer... it's completely unacceptable.<br />
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Compounding my sadness is anger. While I was on leave, a lot of things changed at work. I thought they might but I wasn't prepared to be told that I could no longer work remotely and then to not be given a reason why. I was counting on being able to spend at least one day working from home, as I have since I started. To help break up the time he's away from me, even if he's being watched by my SIL or N while I'm in our office at home. He can be brought to me to eat, I can go to him to calm him, to put him down for his naps but that's no longer an option and I'm not given a reason.. I'm an adult... I don't do well with "because I said so"<br />
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So I spend 30-45 minutes 3 times a day pumping in an office trying not to worry about having enough for the next day, watching videos of my little man to help coax my milk out. I hate every single second of it.<br />
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My dr put me on some meds, they're supposed to kick in around week 3... I have the card of a counselor in my wallet... I haven't called yet.hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-55011896080417036622015-04-14T15:56:00.001-05:002015-04-14T15:56:50.984-05:00Birth Story part 3: It's a.... "What is it?"<br />
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Those were my first words after I heard my baby cry. I was waiting on N to say something, that was the plan anyway but he wasn't so a nurse said, "It's an Oliver". Then they took him away to do all that crap they have to do. I stared at him, my little boy, while they wiped him down, poked his little foot and weighed him.</div>
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While they were doing that, my doc popped up and let the student have the pleasure of delivering my placenta.. Now let me tell you something, the moment that placenta leaves your uterus it's like the biggest relief in the world. I mean WOW. I though pushing out the baby was getting rid of pressure but that thing slid out and it was like my entire body exhaled a breathe it had been holding forever. </div>
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The nurse said "You just gave birth to a football player!" How big is he? </div>
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Oliver is a whopping 9lbs 3oz and 21 inches long. All I can think is I'm so glad I didn't give him another week to pack on a half a pound!</div>
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N was in charge of photos and frankly, he sucked. Most of them are blurry and I found out later that he was taking selfies with the GoPro while I was pushing.. he's lucky I love him even more lucky that none of them turned out... I've never been so happy there isn't a flash on that damn thing</div>
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So there you have it. An induction story with a happy ending.</div>
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12 hours from water breaking till Oliver entered the world. No C-section needed (no stitches either, I tore so slightly that my doc preferred to let it heal naturally)</div>
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We hung out just the 3 of us for almost an hour then let family back so they could finally go home. I sent my mom to IHOP.. I needed food like NOW. 2 slices of french toast, 2 strips of bacon 2 eggs (scrambled with cheese) and hashbrowns with cheese.. and I ate every single bite.</div>
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N when home to let the dogs out and get some sleep. My mom stayed with me. Nurse 8ft helped me out of bed to go to the bathroom and clean up. Not going to lie.. when I left that bathroom it kinda looked like a scene from Dexter. </div>
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When they tell you those mesh underwear are awesome.. they aren't lying. I love those things. I wish I had gotten about 10 more pair. I tried to stand long enough to dress Oliver in his gown but I got too light headed so my mom had to finish. Then of course they made me hang out longer to check my bp. </div>
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Once they were satisfied, I was finally wheeled to the postpartum room. It was 3am and I was exhausted and I wanted this GD IV catheter OUT OF MY ARM. They said I needed to keep it to get my RhoGam. The HELL I DO, i'll take that shot right in the ass like I did the first time.. TAKE IT OUT SO I CAN HOLD MY BABY WITHOUT PAIN. (I was seriously pissed about it... I have a SCAR now)<br />
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I took Oliver and we snuggled but I'll admit, I made them take him to the nursery for a couple hours while I slept. It was a short sleep, he was a hungry little dude and wanted to eat often!<br />
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N came back in the morning with food and the crap we left at home. He finally got to talk about the birth. He wanted to confirm that I didn't feel guilty or bad about taking the epidural. As I thought about it, I realized that no, I didn't. I was ok with the way it went. It wasn't perfect, but it was ok.<br />
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He told me that the few seconds it took him to cry seemed like the longest ever. N is a paramedic, he's actually delivered 6 babies in less than ideal conditions, he KNOWS they don't cry, he KNOWS they are all a little blue at first but he said he was glad I didn't look at him because he was terrified. His exact words were "If no one got my baby to cry, I was going to intubuate him myself"<br /><br />Turns out, N looked too.. he said he wasn't going to look when the baby was coming out, but he couldn't help himself. He was also surprised I was up walking around, they were a little rough yanking Ollie out when he got stuck one arm in, one arm out! I felt good. I kept up on my Motrin and didn't even need anything stronger my entire stay. That day was a whirlwind of visitors and gazillions of pictures<br />
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And then that night we were alone again. It didn't make sense to me to have Nick stay at the hospital and sleep on a couch when home was just 10 minutes away so he went home again. I chose to send Oliver to the nursery for one more three hour stretch and attempted to sleep. He came back in when he was hungry and ate like a champ... I was having pain though but everyone told me it would take some time for my nipples to "toughed up" so I brushed it off.<br />
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I'll never forget that first night when he screamed. I mean, cut loose WAILING it was 3am and I have NO CLUE what set him off. I changed him, he screamed, I attempted to feed him, he screamed. I stripped him naked to see if something was bugging him, still screaming. So there I was, a mom for less than 48 hours alone in a hospital room, topless holding a naked screaming baby. To be honest, I thought a nurse would check on us any second... they don't really just leave you alone do they? Don't they know I have no clue what I'm doing? Turns out, a little skin to skin and swaying goes a long way with my little guy, and he made sure I knew that upfront!<br />
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The next day, we were allowed to head home. He was only down to 8lbs 10oz but they were convinced (despite an awesome bilirubin number) that he was jaundiced... So we have to bring him back in 2 days just in case (BTW, not jaundice, he's tan... he's got hispanic blood in him, duh)<br />
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So there it is... the ending to the birth story!! I can't decide if I'll keep it all here for updates or move everything over to the wordpress blog... I'll let you know :)</div>
hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-27913182603178502642015-04-13T09:14:00.000-05:002015-04-13T09:14:10.452-05:00Birth Story Part 2 - The InductionSo there we were, in a hospital room with a bouncy, happy nurse helping me into my lovely hospital gown. Little Ms. Bouncy Happy quickly turned into my MORTAL enemy. See I have really rolly crappy veins for IVs in my left arm. I get it, it's supposed to be better for them to not be in your dominate arm but that side sucks, they always miss and then I bruise. I tell her this, she started to go for my right and then said, "You know, I think I can get that side, it looks ok." NOT OKAY!! It rolls on her so she spent what seems like 10 minutes digging around, finally go it and can't get the thing on fast enough so I'm bleeding ALL OVER THE FLOOR. Listen, I'm usually not squeamish, I give blood fairly regularly, but feeling my hot blood dripping down my hand almost makes me puke. (I should have... right on her shoes). I'm staring at N (who happens to be one of the best IV getters ever due to his job) like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Then she gets the damn thing taped down and the hub is pressed too tight in my skin. This thing bugged me the ENTIRE time.<br />
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My parents are chomping at the bit to come up so I allowed it. Everyone takes turns coming in to say hello and chat about how awesome this is, we're having a baby soon!! Then, at 11:15 my doctor arrives. He explains the induction process and checks me. I am still at a 3 and 85% effaced so at 11:30am, he breaks my water.<br />
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Now I've been told HORROR stories about how painful getting your water broken is, but I didn't even know that's what he was doing. All of a sudden I just felt like I was peeing EVERYWHERE. Ugh, that sensation makes me feel gross just thinking about it. They started the pitocin and I was left to labor. I send my mom to the store to get more yarn for the blanket I started crocheting the night before. Mainly to get her out of my room, she is starting to bug me. N ate some lunch and took a little cat nap.<br />
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By 12:30 the contractions are starting to get stronger, my pain is bearable, maybe a 3 at the peak of the contactions. My dad watches the contraction monitor and makes snarky jokes about how "that wasn't a bad one".. I normally just roll my eyes but now I'm starting to get stabby. I can't get comfortable, my hips are taking the pressure of each contraction and I need to get out of the bed. I send Ms. HB to go get a birthing ball and N to fetch ice and popcicles. My best friend ever shows up and even though I've kicked everyone out, I need here there.<br />
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Ms. HB brings in the peanut shaped birthing ball and covers it with 2 pads and what seems like 100 towels, the gushing of my water gets worse when I stand. It leaks all over the floor when I get up, I need a pad and underwear on, NOW. That really grosses me out. Ms. HB assures me she's seen worse, doesn't she understand I don't CARE about her feelings.. I just don't like it! I get on the birthing ball, N sits in front of me on a stool so I can lean forward on his knees, Nicole sits behind me on the bed and rubs my exposed back with a cool wash cloth in between contractions and pushes HARD on my lower back during them. The counter pressure feels AWESOME. If my legs didn't hurt, I could labor here for awhile, things are still bearable except for my feet. My ankles are so swollen that any movement that causes them to bend, is very painful, they feel like they are going to split open.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seriously, look at how fat that ankle is down there!</td></tr>
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My contractions are getting stronger, during one really hard one I attempt to hand N my cup of ice chips but drop them all over the floor. This makes me irrationally angry. I'm so irritable, between the lack of ice chips and the contractions grossing me out with the forceful gushing of fluids, I'm starting to lose my cool. I want to stand or squat but my feet and legs hurt so bad. I have to get in the bed. Now I'm stuck, laboring on my back the LAST thing I wanted. It's so hard, nothing can relieve the pressure, I can't move, I can't shift with the contractions. Everything my body wants to naturally do to relieve the pain I can't do because of how swollen my lower half is.<br />
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At 3:30 pm I tell N I want the epidural, it hurts too bad. He reminds me (as he was instructed to do) that I don't want it. I tell him I'm dead serious and he offers the narcotic once first to see. I agree and call Ms. HB and tell her to bring the drugs. I'm told that this is supposed to not necessarily lessen the pain, but just make me not care about the pain. This is bullshit. If anyone attempts to tell you that, throat punch them immediately. The only thing it did was make me want to sleep between my contractions, but given that they were 4 minutes apart, that wasn't an option. My eyelids were heavy, I felt drunk but the contractions still hurt like a SOB!!<br />
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At 5pm I said F it, bring in the epidural. Around 530 they do, the force N to sit in a chair while the do it instead and Ms. HB holds my hand instead. It only takes a few minutes (my notes for this story say "Holy awesome feeling") and the relief was instant. I can't feel my legs after a minute so that pain is gone too. The baby isn't a huge fan of the epidural though, we have a couple of touchy moments where the heart rate dips, they put the oxygen mask on me and we're good to go.<br />
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6pm: They check me again, I'm finally 100% effaced and at a 6 they give me a catheter since I'm no longer allowed out of the bed. The epidural allows me to cat nap, it's a welcome relief since the cath is uncomfortable and my mother is driving me BONKERS.<br />
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7pm: I'm at a 7 and I'm STARVING. My stomach is making lots of loud "FEED ME" sounds. I'm already sick of ice chips and popcicles. I wait until shift change for the nurses and make N sneak me some crackers. I need something in my system or I won't have the strength to do this.<br />
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My notes end there so the rest of this is purely from memory, it might need a couple rounds of editing before it's correct.<br />
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I was progressing at 1cm an hour. I remember getting out the blanket I was working on and crocheting a couple rows<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I finally finished this the night before i returned to work so 11 weeks later :)</td></tr>
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I remember napping a little and I remember kicking everyone out around 9:40. I was starting to feel the need to push. It wasn't terrible, but it was there. I told the nurse (not Ms. HB but a new one.. she was like 8 ft tall) She went and got another nurse and they dropped the end of the bed and got the stirrups out. The put N on my left side, and said we'd do some practice pushes. We started "practicing" at 10pm. Practicing rolled into actually pushing around 11pm. They brought in the whole team a couple more nurses, my dr and the student he had with him. I remember them asking if I wanted the mirror down... NO THANK YOU.<br />
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They asked if we had names picked out and I told them both our boy name and girl name. Everyone was so excited to see what we would have. I was pushing on my back, I was bitching about the IV in my arm. They kept telling me to tuck my chin to my chest but also telling me to breathe (Ummmm, you can't breathe that way!!!) I could feel most everything. I hadn't pushed the button for my epidural so I could finally lift and move my legs but it was too late, I was stuck on my back.<br />
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I got the worst advice ever.. push toward the light... Hey bitch, that light is on the ceiling... how about we change this up and let gravity help? No? Damn it... damn my swollen legs ruining this for me. They kept telling me to push and I kept pushing and pushing and pushing.<br />
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The next thing I know the nurses are screaming at me to push, and "helping" me by pushing on my stomach. I can HEAR my stomach growling I'm so freaking hungry, who denies food to a woman about to go through all this? This is cruelty. I can feel my doctor yanking, hard. I scream out "OH Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk"<br />
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Then all of a sudden there is a warm and gunky blob placed on my tummy.<br />
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My first instinct is to grab it, scoop it up and bring it to me, I can't get a grasp on it though. It's not crying why isn't it crying... Oh wait, there it is! That little scream breaks me, I cry for the first time. I hear myself say "What is it?"<br />
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(to be continued)hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-21440585183483154102015-04-06T11:02:00.001-05:002015-04-06T11:02:30.512-05:00Birth Story Part 1 - The final appointmentWell here it is, my birth story. Almost a full 12 weeks after it happened.<br />
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At 8:30 am on 1/14 I headed out to my 39 week appointment. N had to work his 7 nights straight starting that night so he was passed out at home.<br />
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As I stepped on the scale at my appointment, I knew there was going to be trouble.. I was up a full 7 lbs from the previous week. There wasn't a place on my body that wasn't swollen, my feet were balloons and even my trusty slippers were too tight!<br />
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The nurse took my BP and it was high, so she had me relax on my left side and took it again. It came down but I could see the concern on her face. The dr came in, and said, "How much of a hassle would it be to go over to Labor and Delivery right now?" My heart jumped, or sank or something my first words were, "Can I go home and get my husband first so we only have one car here?"<br />
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I had developed Pre-E... After flirting with it my entire 3rd tri, there it was at 39 weeks, the protein in my urine was the clincher. I was being induced today. I called N, he groggily answered the phone and I said, "Go ahead and get up and get in the shower, I'm on my way home to pick you up, we're going to have a baby today"<br />
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I contemplated calling my family the whole way home. We had talked about not telling anyone until the baby was born, see I love my mom, but she drives me nuts and I really didn't want the pressure of a bunch of people sitting in the waiting room all day. Inductions can take a really really long time. So I called my friend in OK to let her know, I had to tell someone... we've waited for so long and the baby would be here, a real baby that I could kiss and snuggle and hold, would be here soon!<br />
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I got home and N was moseying around the house at a snails pace getting ready. I was moving a thousand miles a minute (at least it felt that way, but looking back at how large I was... there's no way I was moving faster than a turtle with 3 good legs myself) Here is the last picture I have of me with my nugget tucked away inside<br />
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Turns out, N had drank some Nyquil Z in order to sleep the day away... great my hubs was going to be more drugged up than me for this birth!<br />
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We stopped and got him a coffee (note to self: If you EVER have to do this again, get food... all the food you can eat at this point).<br />
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We checked in to the hospital at about 10:30am and decided that we would alert our families once we got in a room just in case something were to happen. (Mistake.... total mistake, I should have kept my big fat mouth shut)hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-89839843466651398842015-01-06T12:03:00.000-06:002015-01-06T12:03:09.619-06:0038 weeksWell here it is. The 38th week! I'm amazed, excited, nervous, terrified, elated and a whole list of other emotions all rolled in to one! It has been an amazing journey thus far, my pregnancy complaints are minimal and the good outweighs that little bit of bad by thousands!<br />
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As I lay here on the couch (because I'm lazy) and watch my little Nugget roll and stretch in my belly I'm forever grateful of my situation. I know that not everyone will get to experience what I have and that breaks my heart.<br />
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I'm so thankful for all the amazing people that I've met along the way. My twitter friends are some of the best "strangers" I know!! Some are already parenting, some are VERY close to it, some have recently become pregnant and some are still finding their path. I love each and every one of them and I can't wait to see what happens next, for all of them!<br />
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I don't exactly know where to go with this blog, After updating everyone of Nugget's birth, it will likely fall into the long list of abandoned IF blogs. It seems to be the natural way of things.<br />
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I appreciate all of you that still check in on me, you can always find me on twitter @willbabymake3!hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-32174502273710766102014-11-05T20:34:00.000-06:002014-11-05T20:34:09.452-06:0029 weeks! A long overdue update29 weeks. I can't believe it, I'll have a baby, in my arms, in less than 3 months. I am amazed and humbled every day.<br />
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Nugget is progressing perfectly. Our 20w scan was great, everything looked just as it should and we managed to keep the sex a secret.<br />
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I've gained too much weight for my liking but honestly, I'm ok with it. I can lose the weight I just want to enjoy every single bit of this! No <i>weird </i>cravings but I'm still a HUGE fan of cereal and baked potatoes (not at the same time of course). I never got sick, I get heartburn if I don't eat often enough and I swell a little if I'm on my feet too much but my wedding ring still fits!<br />
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Nugget is head down with his/her little face smooshed into my anterior placenta by my right hip bone and feet up right under my ribs. We had a 3D ultrasound yesterday, I'll post pics once I get them downloaded to the computer!! We have a lot of active time first thing in the morning and around 5-6pm and again right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. N is still weirded out by touching my belly directly but I snuggle up behind him at night and he gets the crap kicked out of his back while I sleep through it :P<br />
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I've had a couple of emotional outbursts but they were so insane that I was LAUGHING while I was CRYING because I knew it was ridiculous. One of these happened in the middle of Lowe's... and one happened when N laughed at me because I couldn't roll over quickly and got semi-stuck!!<br />
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We made the insane decision to basically remodel our whole house. All new paint in every room but the bathrooms, all new carpet and finish the basement. It's been crazy but great and I'm so glad we did it. Especially the carpet, that old stuff was GROSS!!!<br />
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I'm still pushing off doing the nursery. I know I need to get it done as I'm starting to run out of time BUUUUUT I feel like everything is moving too quickly!!! If I had it my way, I'd stay pregnant for another 5 months or longer!!!<br />
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My sister and best friends threw me an adorable shower. I don't have my pics back yet but will post those soon too. It was a rustic honeybee theme and it was AWESOME minus the fact that the only one from N's side to show was his step mom... That was pretty sad. We got a crib, our travel system, a mamaroo, and a ton of little essentials. Oh and N's sister threw him a diaper party the week before and we got a TON of diapers so that's great!<br />
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Ummmm what else. Oh work sucks, that's a whole other post. Maybe I'll blog that one out to get it off my chest!<br />
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So that's my super fast, not even proofread update!!hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-26647322626458691612014-08-19T10:15:00.000-05:002014-08-19T10:15:16.315-05:0018 weeks, seriously? It seems like time is starting to fly by now. Gone is the lingering dread that I carried for so long and it's refreshing to have that weight lifted.<br />
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I'm still overwhelmed by thinking too far ahead. Planning a shower, starting a registry, it's all too much some days so I just put it off. Probably not the best of ideas but it is what it is.<br />
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Work has been a disaster lately. I'm really stressed out here, I feel like I have too much on my plate some days and I'm really concerned that they don't seem to want to talk about me going on leave for 3 months. I'm worried that they'll half ass it and I'll come back to a disaster.<br />
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Hubs is about to lose his overtime opportunities so that's been a little stressful. Currently he picks up 4 extra shifts per month and that is almost an extra $1000 that we're putting to the house remodel and other things we need to get done.<br />
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We've decided to go see his mother in October. I'm not really looking forward to that because she and I don't really get along but it will be nice to get away for a little bit.<br />
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So that's my totally uneventful update. Sorry I suckhollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-68264278093436515222014-07-30T10:17:00.000-05:002014-07-30T10:17:06.721-05:00A little update- Second Trimester! 15 weeks today, 25 weeks to go. I'm still feeling great physically, still haven't been sick at all! It's still unnerving to not know what's going on in there.<br />
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I'm so incredibly grateful for a lovely twitter friend that passed along her doppler to me. It has given me solace the last couple days.<br />
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My roommate cousin and her son will be moving out next weekend! I'm so relieved to finally have my house back. Something about being pregnant has made me very territorial.<br />
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My grandma had a mini stroke yesterday. She's a feisty woman though and it was very minor. She's hoping to be out of the hospital today.<br />
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Hubs and I are still in a disagreement over finding out the gender of the baby. I don't want to, he insists we HAVE to know. I don't know what he thinks people did 30+ years ago. How did they ever survive?? I don't think it's a compromise for him to know and attempt to keep it from me. I feel like he'll slip and then I'll be angry with him. I need to find a way to articulate how important this is for me. EVERYONE is already bugging me about what it's going to be... and I keep telling them, "it's going to be a baby, what else matters?" It's making me really dig my heels in about NOT finding out. This is special and I don't want to feel like I have to share it with the world. I don't want my baby's life planned out before s/he's even born and that's always what seems to happen.<br />
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I'm "showing" now. It's not all baby but I can't "suck in" anymore without some pretty rad discomfort so I'm rocking maternity clothes daily. I've gotten 20 outfits (shirts and pants) for $40 from people selling their clothes online. I'm pretty please with that!<br />
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I tried to start a registry online last night... Got as far as deciding on a crib, panicked and closed the window. I'm not ready and it's overwhelming, I think I need help with that.<br />
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I've been following the blogs, popping in on Twitter, checking on everyone as I go. It's been difficult. It's a weird stage I'm in. I have such strong emotions that it's hard not to get sucked into every one's sadness and fears. I'm trying to support where I can and protect myself and Nugget when necessary. I feel like I've probably alienated everyone already.<br />
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Anyway... that's my quick and dirty update for anyone who's still listening!hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-3880734515360487592014-07-16T11:10:00.000-05:002014-07-16T11:10:01.838-05:0013weeks? Already? I'm officially 13 weeks today and still feeling fairly awesome! Besides the tiredness... and the waking up at 3am to eat and then not go back to bed, that part kind of sucks.<br />
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I'm taking a break from Twitter for awhile. It was getting overwhelming and I can't seem to keep my feelings in check so hubs strongly suggested that it might be best to take a little break and try and focus on me and Nugget for awhile. I don't think it's a bad idea but it's weird.<br />
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Things have been really great lately. I think the roommate has a plan to be out by mid-August which is a month before the deadline I gave her. She's been keeping more out of our hair as well so that's been good.<br />
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I did have a little work breakdown on Friday, apparently someone said I'd been "complaining" too much. Well here's the thing, it's my job to make sure shit gets done and when you don't do your part and I have to chase you for weeks, OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO SEEM LIKE I'M COMPLAINING. So now I'm trying to be so sweet it makes your teeth hurt to all these jackasses and take every single grievance to my boss so he can be the asshole for awhile.<br />
<br />
I finally came out to my co-workers at our agency (they're in another location... state, timezone!!) that I'm pregnant and will be taking maternity leave. The one person I spoke with directly (I chickened out and emailed the rest) was so excited but also so nervous. Apparently I'm the example of my position that "no one worries about" so he's concerned about who will cover me and how they'll interact. I get it, it makes me nervous too!!<br />
<br />
So now I'm totally out. To work, to my family, to Facebook, to the world. It is starting to feel a little more real. Especially now that I'm starting to get a little bump that isn't bloat!!<br />
<br />
So that's my update. Hope all is well. I've been stalking from afar so if you haven't updated your blog, here's your friendly reminder!!!hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-4459596775554067822014-07-05T21:01:00.001-05:002014-07-05T21:01:25.477-05:00Peace, Quiet and 200 days leftLet me start the post by admitting I'm horribly irritable lately. Like keep the hell out of my way or I'll lose my mind cranky. Little things turn into big things and big things are stab worthy. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My cousin/roomate is getting on my LAST nerve. She's got to go and the sooner the better. I've given her a deadline of September but I'm really hoping it's more like early August. I doubt it though because her only option right now is going BACK to her grandma's... If they can get the drunkle out for good, but if they can't... she's got NO back up plan. This is so frustrating to me. How can you not want to have a plan B for yourself and your CHILD to not be homeless, or couch surfing? Wouldn't you WANT to have a place of your own so he could have a room to play in?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
The kid is 5, he needs stimulation. He needs his own room, with room for his toys, he needs to be played with. She picks him up from school, takes him to the park for about 1.5 hrs until 5 or so when hubs gets up for work (and only because I told her they were waking him up hours early and it wasn't acceptable) then she expects him to entertain himself for 4 hours while she sits and plays on her phone on the couch. She'll send him to the room to watch a movie or play on his tablet. It drives me INSANE, because of course he's going to come out and ask 8 thousand questions:</div>
<div>
<i>Can we go ride bikes?</i></div>
<div>
<i>Can we go play soccer?</i></div>
<div>
<i>Can I play on the playstation?</i></div>
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<i>Can we paint?</i></div>
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<i>Can we watch (insert movie of the week here)?</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
Over and over and over. and my patience starts to wear thin. Not with him and his questions but her response or lack there of... </div>
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<br /></div>
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PLAY WITH YOUR DAMN KID </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Then we've got her dog... I don't like to say I hate dogs, but I'm really not a fan of this one. It started when he attacked my ducks, charging at their pen and he actually managed to bite one of them on the bill through the fence. Now he can't go outside unattended at all but instead of sitting out there with him for awhile, she lets him out long enough for him to do his business and then brings him back in. I get it, it's hot outside but he's a high energy dog, he needs to have an outlet or he's too hyper in the house.. and 3 large dogs "playing" in the house is like a herd of elephants. He also tries to jump the fence to get to the neighbors dog which he apparently doesn't like so he can't go outside while that dog is out or it will be non-stop barking and jumping at the fence. </div>
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He's also a barker.. he barks at flies, he barks at cars, he barks at people walking down the street, he barks when the wind blows too hard. We've never had barking dogs and it makes it impossible for N to sleep during the day when the dog is barking at every little thing. And he's recently started barking at people. My stepdad is helping us finish painting the basement and the dog wouldn't let him in the house even after we gave the command to stop barking. I'm not okay with that in my house. He barked at me while I was coming down the hallway the other night for no reason. </div>
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<br /></div>
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So she had plans to go to a friends house for the 4th yesterday and I asked her if she was taking S (her dog) with her. She gave me this questioning look... I told her I wasn't watching her dog. Ours are freaked out enough with the fireworks, we were having people over and I couldn't have the risk of him barking at our guests or the responsibility of watching him each time we needed to put the dogs outside. I think I might have made her mad because she decided to go out of town to her mom's for the weekend. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Frankly, it's been awesome. I hadn't realized how much her being here has changed they dynamics in my house. N and I got up and had breakfast at the table together he said "do you hear that?" I said, "what?? He said "exactly". Then, we laid on the couch and talked about the last week since we haven't had the chance to catch up, we napped on the couch, we hung out in our underwear. It was awesome. I've missed the time we have together just the two of us.</div>
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And we only have 200 days left for it to be just the two of us!! That's right, my handy dandy little app told me I've got 200 days until my EDD. </div>
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I'm amazed by that fact. It's a long time but not so long at all...</div>
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I totally ran out of steam for this post after my rant... sorry I'm a shitty blogger.. thanks for reading if you've made it this far. Enjoy this pic of a cat</div>
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hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-33791161550948486752014-06-23T14:37:00.002-05:002014-06-23T14:37:38.529-05:00When in doubt.. blog it outSome strange things happening on the Twitters today and frankly, my feelings got hurt when maybe they shouldn't have.. or maybe they should have... I don't know. But it was fairly implied that my specific view on paid medical leave for caretakers (of children or parents) has now changed because I'm pregnant.<br />
<br />
This was hurtful to me for a couple reasons<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>The implication that I was discriminating against childless/childfree individuals</li>
<li>The implication that I would have had less compassion for those caregivers had I not potentially become one of those</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here's the thing. I've watched friends lose their house because they didn't have enough leave to take care of their DYING daughter. A daughter with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batten_disease">Batten Disease</a> who was born without issue who quickly deteriorated before their very eyes. This was not and is not ok. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I have another friend who is childless because she can't afford treatments for her IF because her mother had a stroke when she was 23 (she's now 36) and she's responsible for her care, both monetarily, physically and emotionally. She hasn't had a "vacation" in years because her "vacation" days are used up by mom's appointments and care. </div>
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I would NEVER begrudge those people for getting more leave than me in order for them to take care of their ailing family members. </div>
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Time off for caregiving is<b> not</b> an extra vacation. This is <b>not</b> a <i>benefit</i> for time spent in paradise. It's taxing work, time that would be gladly given up if their family member would just be well, cured, healthy, living.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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The one thing I don't feel like 140 characters can cover is the need for better paid medical leave for all: Let's call this bucket A.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Bucket A covers YOU. This covers sick time for the flu, for the hangover, for the broken leg, for the cancer, for the IVF treatments... YOU! And <b>everyone</b> should be entitled to a much larger " bucket A" than we get in the USA now. </div>
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<br /></div>
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My concern is a circumstantial bucket B: The emergency, someone needs my help and without time off and a continues paycheck that can't happen, bucket. This is paid time off if the situation arises that you have to be a caregiver for someone else... Be it a spouse, S/O, child, parent, etc. This shouldn't be combined with bucket A. I understand the need for limitations to this bucket, same as Bucket A, but it should be a different bucket. Because if your mom has a stroke in January and you use up your time and then your appendix bursts in November, you shouldn't have to lose your job, or your car, or your house because you need recovery from surgery. </div>
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<br /></div>
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And if you never "get" to use Bucket B because you don't have children, or your parents never get sick, or whatever.. you don't complain about someone else getting "more time <i>off"</i> You simply remember they aren't on vacation on a beach in Cabo, send them flowers, wish them and their family well and move on with your job. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Because compassion for others shouldn't be dependent on you needing that exact same compassion. This is the type of argument that routinely works against those struggling with infertility when it comes to medical coverage through insurance in the US. </div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>There are too many people saying "why should I help if I don't need that" and the answer is "because you help when you can, that's humanity" </b></div>
hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-8269147360010064542014-06-18T17:33:00.001-05:002014-06-18T17:33:55.456-05:009 weeksMy nerves are calmed... I had my scan on Friday and Nugget is measuring right on target and his/her little heart was beating away at 180bpm.<br />
<br />
I won't post pics but just know Nugget pretty much looks indistinguishable from every other 8w3d fetus... Big head, little arms, very alienish.<br />
<br />
I finally told my parents so that was cool. My little sister cried more than I did! Everyone has been so great!<br />
<br />
Apparently as much as I sucked at GETTING pregnant, being pregnant isn't hard for me. I've been so lucky to be healthy, no sickness, no real issues at all. I know I'm lucky and I'm not taking that for granted at all.<br />
<br />
PG friend is not so lucky, she's been miserable since 3 days before she found out. Nauseous, not able to eat, diarrhea, super exhausted, not able to leave the house and now the vomiting. I worry about her, she is a tiny girl to begin with, I hope it doesn't last long for her.<br />
<br />
In other news, the cousin/roommate hasn't made much progress in the way of finding a new home which is becoming problematic. I need that room for a nursery, and frankly, I'm really irritable right now so the extra people/animals etc is just getting on my nerves! I'm trying to figure out how to give her a deadline without coming across as mean. I'm so blunt and upfront, some people take it really personally and I don't mean to be mean!<br />
<br />
Anyway... that's it for now.hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-83354986917894285202014-06-09T15:14:00.002-05:002014-06-09T15:14:44.843-05:00I love the all the TwitsBut it's days like today that terrify me.<br />
<br />
So many of my online clan have gotten terrible news over the past 3 days. From BFNs, to awful beta's to miscarriages. I'm heartbroken for every single one of them.<br />
<br />
It's so hard to stay positive sometimes. It's hard not to be gripped by the fear. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me too. I want to be there for all of them. I want to hold their hands, buy them a drink and promise them it will all be ok... I want to be able to keep that promise. It's just so unfair.<br />
<br />
I'm so nervous for Friday's scan. I'd like to just fall asleep and wake up on my way there. My whole life is hinging on that little heartbeat and if it's not there... I just don't know what I'll do.<br />
<br />
I've been so lucky this far and there's nothing I can do but cross my fingers that my luck holds out and Nugget is growing just like s/he's supposed to.hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-10524741470527025402014-06-03T09:18:00.002-05:002014-06-03T09:20:00.383-05:00Does the fear ever leave?I've been luckier than most. I haven't struggled as long or endured as much as many have. But the fear is still very very real.<br />
<br />
That fear of "What If"<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
It starts early:</div>
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>What if we don't get pregnant right away?</li>
<li>What if I'm broken?</li>
<li>What if he's broken?</li>
<li>What if we have to take medicine?</li>
<li>What if we have to do IUI?</li>
<li>What if we have to do IVF?</li>
<li>What if we have to use donor eggs/donor sperm?</li>
<li>What if I can't carry?</li>
<li>What if we can't afford it?</li>
<li>What if we can't EVER have kids?</li>
<li>What if we can't afford adopt?</li>
<li>What if we can't handle the emotional strain?</li>
<li>What if we get a divorce because of this?</li>
<li>What if my life will never be the same?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Then you get that magic BFP:</div>
<br />
<ul>
<li>What if it's a chemical?</li>
<li>What if it's molar?</li>
<li>What if it's a blighted ovum?</li>
<li>What if I start spotting</li>
<li>What if it's a MMC?</li>
<li>What if these cramps are serious?</li>
<li>What if my hormone levels don't stay where they're supposed to be?</li>
<li>What if there's something wrong?</li>
<li>What if there's a genetic issue?</li>
<li>What if there's no heartbeat?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't think it stops, ever.</div>
<br />
I think every milestone will be followed by the million "what if's" that worry us. That keep us on the edge of cautiously optimistic.<br />
<br />
Never fully giving in to the hope, never getting unabashedly excited. Always timid, always nervous.<br />
<br />hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-14992031401709797582014-05-21T16:41:00.000-05:002014-05-21T16:41:33.707-05:00First ScanStill no official date but I'm dating myself at 5weeks.<br />
<br />
We had our first scan this afternoon. Lovely dildo-cam action, There is one gestational sac, one yolk sac and a teensy tiny little bright spot that will turn into our little nugget. It was awesome and surreal but I still don't feel pregnant...<br />
<br />
I had this overwhelming feeling this morning that I was going to go to the scan, it would be an empty womb and they'd lock me up for insanity because I'd made up the whole thing. Guessing hormones are nice and active....<br />
<br />
ANNNNNND not only did I ovulate (which dr didn't think I did) BUT it came from my right ovary!!! So looks like <a href="http://willbabymakethreeforus.blogspot.com/2014/01/so-how-did-i-get-here.html">meatwad</a> didn't ruin that ovary afterall!!! So that's exciting.<br />
<br />
I go back again in 3 weeks to hopefully see more and even maybe a heartbeat!!<br />
<br />
Still no morning sickness and this hunger is getting REAL.. I mean I'm STARVING all the time.. only up 1lb though because I'm stuffing my face with healthy choices... let's see how long that lasts.hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-90758548166803038722014-05-19T14:43:00.001-05:002014-05-19T14:43:53.062-05:00I'm officially "that" girl I'm not going to lie.. I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me! You see I feel like an asshole, a fraud, a jerk. I'm that girl, the one that stopped tracking, temping, symptom spotting and ended up with her BFP. Don't ever tell anyone my story, I'm a fluke and it's not helpful. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
See I didn't know how to break it to you. I mean some of you are my tweeple and found out on twitter because I panicked and posted the pic of my test, but it takes more than that to sit down and address it in a blog post. So here's the story of my second ever BFP, and the only pregnancy that's lasted more than a week.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Since we were supposed to start Clomid this next cycle, I had given up on this one. I wasn't tracking*, I didn't temp (seriously, my battery on the thermometer died and I was too lazy to get a replacement) we were just counting the days until CD1 so we could have a fresh start. I was prescribed Provera to force a period since my CD21 bloodwork said I didn't ovulate (jokes on you sucker.. it was like CD23 that I finally did) but I had a feeling I was about to start on my own (sore boobs, gassy, cranky, general AF stuff) so I was going to wait it out. I don't like taking meds if I don't have to, like I really despise it</div>
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<br /></div>
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5/14 -14dpo (based soley on my non-tracked symptoms) and AF wasn't here. I was getting impatient to start the cycle, figured I'd test, confirm my BFN, start my Provera and get on with it. </div>
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<br /></div>
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So there I was with a Sure Predict and some pee in a cup (not even first morning pee) and 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't cry I kind of laughed, then panicked. I waited a couple hours and took another test terrified it would be blank like <a href="http://willbabymakethreeforus.blogspot.com/2014/02/mourning-for-what-never-was.html">before</a>. But it wasn't. my FRER had two pink lines... and the test line was way darker than the control. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I called my dr on 5/15 to see what he wanted me to do. He wasn't in but the NP ordered a beta to confirm. I got those results on Friday 5/16... 1159!! Seemed high, maybe I O'd earlier than I though? We'll see. They aren't going to do a repeat blood draw because it's so high. I'm scheduled for a scan on Wednesday 5/21. </div>
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I'm nervous, I'm scared and I feel like a jerk. </div>
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There are so many of you that are still waiting, that have been in this fight much longer than I, that have lost so much more than we have. I feel for you, you deserve this. I can't explain how grateful I am for those that have been here, watching others get the one thing they so desperately want and deserve, supporting the new people coming in, cheering for those that get their miracle. You are all so freaking awesome. </div>
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I don't know where I'm going to take the blog from here. I feel like I haven't really been around long enough to have followers that really need my blog. I mean, if you really love me, let me know, and we can work something out. I'll probably do random updates so you know I'm alive. I'll try and keep the alien baby crap to a minimum and if you want to unfollow me, or never speak to me or give me a virtual punch in the incredibly sore boobs, I totally understand that too..</div>
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<br /></div>
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-h</div>
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*ok maybe a little tracking of CM and CP, but JUST around when I though I might be Oing</div>
hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-67948302621928241522014-05-13T11:18:00.000-05:002014-05-13T11:18:08.441-05:00Spray painted chairs and other fun furnitureI guess if I was going to title my blog that, I should have taken pictures. Too bad, I didn't you'll have to use your imagination.<br />
<br />
KCIA support group met again last night. There were lots of new people so we needed a bigger space. The church we meet at gave us their youth room and WOW was it cool!! They had fun mismatched furniture including 2 vinyl arm chairs they spray painted in bright green and bright blue. The coffee table was an old door and it had twinkle lights!<br />
<br />
I'm pretty sure any infertility meeting should have twinkle lights.<br />
<br />
It was a good meeting. It was nice to get to meet some new people. I still feel like a fraud though, I mean, I'm just gearing up to start my treatment and there are women there that have been at this for 10 years!!!! I'm learning a lot though so that's good.<br />
<br />
On my way home I started having some pain on my right side then at 3am I woke up doubled over in pain... I was so worried it was a cyst or something but it just turned out to be gas.<br />
<br />
I'm not overthinking things or anything lately, I promise.<br />
<br />
Boobs still hurt and are HUGE, like falling out of my bras huge. I figured I'd start cramping by now but haven't yet. I just need AF to hurry her ass up so we can start on this baby making meds!!!<br />
<br />
-hhollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-51372807654276021072014-05-11T20:10:00.000-05:002014-05-11T20:10:46.037-05:00It's Mother's Day...and I'm home alone, sitting on my couch, watching Vampire Diaries and drinking vodka and lemonade.<br />
<br />
It's actually the 2ww and I'm pretty sure 11/12dpo even though I'm not tracking. I just have a feeling and my boobs are super sore like the normally are in the 2nd half of the 2ww IF I ovulate.<br />
<br />
I picked up my Clomid today. I thought maybe getting it in my possession on Mother's Day would be a good omen. Two awesome things happened. First, it was super cheap. I guess I was just expecting it to be more but it was under $20! Second, the pharmacist was awesome. She asked if I was TTC #1, I told her I was, she wished me good luck then told me "Happy Mother's Day, you already have a mother's heart."<br />
<br />
I made it to my car before crying. I was genuinely touched by her words. Today can be rough so having people recognize that makes it a little more bearable!<br />
<br />
Speaking of random recognition... Ok well not random, but unexpected. BOTH of my closest friends (N the uber fertile and H the child-free for now) AND my mother shared the lovely picture that Resolve.Org shared on their Facebook today. It was so heartwarming. PLUS my sister sent me a lovely text this morning as well. It was nice to know they were all thinking of me.<br />
<br />
I'm not a fantastic wordsmith like some of you lovely ladies. I don't often speak eloquently or in ways that touch people to the core. It's been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways today but it's very true:<br />
<br />
You become a mother the moment the seed is planted in your heart<br />
<br />
Happy Mother's Day to all of us, booze it up if you can :)hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-44588961103473471382014-05-07T20:48:00.001-05:002014-05-07T20:48:31.871-05:00Survey says....Hubs SA came back today, I'll get more specific numbers tomorrow but the Dr. said his count was "phenomenal" so I'm pleased with that. Morphology was a little on the low side but nothing to be concerned with.<br />
<br />
OB/GYN wants to do 3 rounds of Clomid. I'm ok with that now. Hubs and I had a long talk and he's more comfortable doing things with as little intervention as possible to start. I get it and maybe we'll be that couple that just needs the Clomid kickstart and we're good to go. In the meantime, we're going to start saving up the extra cash for further treatment if necessary. The clinic I want to go to is typically around $500 for the first round of labs/HSG/consult. He's been picking up extra shifts to help put most of it back for baby and some back for basement finishing :)<br />
<br />
Nurse C is going to call tomorrow with specifics on protocol so I'll know more. I think he wants to push Provera to start my cycle but... well I need to time that so N's days off are 8-14 because no amount of Clomid will help if we don't see each other before ovulation :)<br />
<br />
That's the update for now.<br />
<br />
-hhollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-53424961900771826302014-04-30T21:39:00.000-05:002014-04-30T21:39:22.981-05:00Results are in CD21 test came back... Progesterone was 1.3 so just as I suspected, I didn't ovulate. Yay for paying $60 for something I already knew. <br />
<br />
Called the RE that my Dr was sending hubs to for his SA like 6 times last week with no answer, finally left a message. Still haven't gotten a call back so when my Dr. called with results, I asked what to do. They referred me to a different clinic and it's the one I want to go to anyway! So this is good news, hubs won't have to do a second one if/when we have to go there. His appointment is on Tuesday. He's not exactly thrilled about the change in clinics because instead of taking his sample in and dropping it off, he gets to do it there. Performing under pressure is NOT his strong suit. We'll see how it goes.<br />
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I think I'm going to call the RE and see about getting in, find out how much the initial consult will be and then stick with my Dr and do a round or two of Clomid if there's a wait or if it's going to be more than we want to pull out of savings right now. However, that might change at any time.hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-68283948815020015712014-04-29T19:54:00.001-05:002014-04-29T19:54:34.106-05:00JUST RELAX... I haven't been able to fall asleep lately, even more so than usual. Part of it is stress about work, part of it is stress about IF and part of it is good TV... ok maybe not <i>good</i> tv.. but tv.<br />
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Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.<br />
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On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.<br />
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At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.<br />
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I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.<br />
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We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-57078272256191662952014-04-25T21:29:00.000-05:002014-04-25T21:29:50.072-05:00The pitter patter of little feet will soon grace my house! (It's not what you think)But it won't be a baby, and it won't be mine. It will be my almost 5 year old third cousin once removed.. or something like that.<br />
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My family dynamics are interesting. I'm really close with my cousins on my dad's side and I'm also close with the extended cousins as well. So, let's see if I can explain this is the least confusing way possible. S's grandmother and my grandmother are sisters. She had a pretty rough go with her marriage and after the divorce she and her son moved in with her Grandma. Her crazy ass uncle lives there too... we call him Druncle because he's a raging alcoholic. Anyway, that situation hasn't been great but as a single mom with a serving job, it was what she dealt with. A couple nights ago Druncle pushed her, she called the cops and pressed charges.<br />
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She called me, we have room, she and her son are moving in this weekend. Simple as that. It will be a little cramped until we get the basement finished but we'll make it work.<br />
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So yeah, that's it for now. Tomorrow is the Infertility Conference so I'm sure I'll have a TON of stuff to talk about then :)<br />
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-hhollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-64259279027317039262014-04-21T12:25:00.000-05:002014-04-21T12:25:17.515-05:00I've had the strangest dreamsThe last few weeks have been full of the strangest dreams.<br />
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I've been having dreams about the guy I would consider my high school sweetheart. Though he wasn't the guy a dated the longest, he wasn't the guy I gave my virginity to, but he was always mine. I loved him the way only a 16 year old can love. And we broke up on very amicable terms. Neither of us were ready to "settle" down. We continued with a loose friendship and even hooked up a couple times over the years.<br />
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I won't lie, when I found out he and his girlfriend were expecting (just a couple months after we had hooked up when both of us were on a "break" from our respective significant others), I was heart broken. After all, that could have been me.<br />
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Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for the world (well maybe for a baby, but... well we all feel like that sometimes). But this guy was my "perfect on paper" guy.<br />
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Perfect on Paper.. what does that mean. Well he had everything I thought I wanted in a relationship. He fit all the criteria we put together for ourselves when we start thinking about who we'll spend the rest of our lives with. He checked off every single box, the timing was just off.<br />
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Either way, his son now plays on my soccer team so I see him, his girl friend and their son twice a week... and that's probably why I'm dreaming about him. These aren't sex dreams so don't go getting all Fifty Shades of Grey on me.. They are more.... romantical? (That's totally a word BTW, promise). It's rather unnerving though.<br />
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And last night I had a baby dream. This one was really strange. I walked in to the hospital and the Dr told me it was a girl. Obviously we had used a surrogate since I was just now showing up... obviously not pregnant. Then when I picked her up, she had this thick dark red hair (Hubs and I have brown hair). I remember showing her to him saying , "I'm sorry she has red hair, JK was the only one" (JK is another friends hubby... apparently he was the donor?) Oh and my baby could talk to me with her mind... so that was fun. I asked her about names, we settled on Norah (I know it's not usually spelled with an "h" but in my dream it totally was) We took her straight home from the hospital right then. I remember sending hubs to the store to get a car seat, why we didn't have one yet, I'll never know. And then we buckled her in the van (seriously brain, what part of you thinks I'll ever buy a van) and drove off. She was big, like 3 months old, and so very beautiful. Then I woke up.<br />
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Honestly, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to fall back asleep and hold that beautiful little girl some more. I wanted to listen to her speak to me, I wanted to have her.hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-17342632673556108692014-04-18T15:52:00.000-05:002014-04-18T15:52:27.770-05:00I'm feeling... weirdMy battery died on my thermometer and I forgot to get a new one so I'm not temping this cycle. And since I'm not temping, I've decided to not track anything.<br />
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So here I am, CD11 with no idea where my cervix is, what type of mucus it's got, what my temps are, or what my "symptoms" were yesterday.<br />
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Have I had this headache for 2 days or 3? Couldn't tell you, not on my chart.<br />
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In 10 days I go in for my blood work and on the 29th Hubs takes his sample to the lab. So this cycle we're just winging it.<br />
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And to keep myself calm(ish) I've piled the work on myself and I've kept busy. I'm not spending all day on twitter or reading blogs so please forgive me if I've missed a big announcement of yours. I promise, it's not personal. I've been catching up (ish) on blogs when I have time but I'm probably behind.<br />
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It's weird, not doing anything. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern until we get results back, until I decide on an RE and make an appointment.<br />
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Until then, we wait.<br />
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- hhollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1298157987631943602.post-40472669849364476812014-04-16T09:50:00.000-05:002014-04-16T09:50:01.985-05:00Support Groups and Old FacesI've been meaning to update but I've been busy at work so I've been lazy at home!<br />
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Monday night I went to a meeting for the local infertility support group. It was so great to have everyone in the room truly understand what I'm going through. It was strange to see a girl I went to high school with stroll through the door but it was nice as well.<br />
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The <a href="http://www.kcinfertility.org/">Kansas City Infertility Awareness Foundation</a> has been going on for about 4 years and on Monday I met a couple of the founders. They are so awesome and have so much knowledge and aren't afraid to share it which is great! I found myself still feeling a little like a fraud since I'm so early in the journey but they did so much to help me feel welcome.<br />
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Another awesome thing they do besides these monthly meetings, is put on a conference each year! From what I understand it's pretty amazing. All the local RE's have booths there so you can meet with their staff, chat a little about their offices and make a better decision on who to pick. I really like that. They also have several speakers that will be speaking on things like IVF, PCOS, Male Factor, etc. It looks like it's going to be great. I really wish hubs could come but he works the night before and the night of. Mom works too so I guess I'm going alone. Oh well, such is life.<br />
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Anyway... that's my "update" for now. There's not much going on until I go get my bloodwork on the 28th..hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02110735002081254539noreply@blogger.com4