I'm officially "that" girl

I'm not going to lie.. I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me! You see I feel like an asshole, a fraud, a jerk. I'm that girl, the one that stopped tracking, temping, symptom spotting and ended up with her BFP. Don't ever tell anyone my story, I'm a fluke and it's not helpful. 

See I didn't know how to break it to you. I mean some of you are my tweeple and found out on twitter because I panicked and posted the pic of my test, but it takes more than that to sit down and address it in a blog post. So here's the story of my second ever BFP, and the only pregnancy that's lasted more than a week.

Since we were supposed to start Clomid this next cycle, I had given up on this one. I wasn't tracking*, I didn't temp (seriously, my battery on the thermometer died and I was too lazy to get a replacement) we were just counting the days until CD1 so we could have a fresh start. I was prescribed Provera to force a period since my CD21 bloodwork said I didn't ovulate (jokes on you sucker.. it was like CD23 that I finally did) but I had a feeling I was about to start on my own (sore boobs, gassy, cranky, general AF stuff) so I was going to wait it out. I don't like taking meds if I don't have to, like I really despise it

5/14 -14dpo (based soley on my non-tracked symptoms) and AF wasn't here. I was getting impatient to start the cycle, figured I'd test, confirm my BFN, start my Provera and get on with it. 

So there I was with a Sure Predict and some pee in a cup (not even first morning pee) and 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't cry I kind of laughed, then panicked. I waited a couple hours and took another test terrified it would be blank like before. But it wasn't. my FRER had two pink lines... and the test line was way darker than the control. 

I called my dr on 5/15 to see what he wanted me to do. He wasn't in but the NP ordered a beta to confirm. I got those results on Friday 5/16... 1159!! Seemed high, maybe I O'd earlier than I though? We'll see. They aren't going to do a repeat blood draw because it's so high. I'm scheduled for a scan on Wednesday 5/21. 

I'm nervous, I'm scared and I feel like a jerk. 

There are so many of you that are still waiting, that have been in this fight much longer than I, that have lost so much more than we have. I feel for you, you deserve this. I can't explain how grateful I am for those that have been here, watching others get the one thing they so desperately want and deserve, supporting the new people coming in, cheering for those that get their miracle. You are all so freaking awesome. 

I don't know where I'm going to take the blog from here. I feel like I haven't really been around long enough to have followers that really need my blog. I mean, if you really love me, let me know, and we can work something out. I'll probably do random updates so you know I'm alive. I'll try and keep the alien baby crap to a minimum and if you want to unfollow me, or never speak to me or give me a virtual punch in the incredibly sore boobs, I totally understand that too..

-h

*ok maybe a little tracking of CM and CP, but JUST around when I though I might be Oing

OMG, I can't believe I forgot to tell you!!!

Newborn baby friend from this post text me last night to ask about random friend from the past. Random past friend posted something about mom and baby doing fine on his facebook and she was curious who he had a kid with... Hell if I know, I haven't talked to him in MONTHS. Regardless, Here's how the texts went:

Mind you, I haven't gotten a text or phone call from her since before that kid was BORN

A: "So who is C having a baby with?"
Me: I have no idea. We don't see him much anymore
A: Oh, ok. How are you?

(at this point I was pretty sure she didn't really care but decided to humor her (and maybe bait her a little))

Me: Eh, I'm ok
A: What's up? I never get to sleep more than 3 hours at a time
Me: Yeah, well I'm going to have to go through fertility treatments to have that problem

(Cue the awwwww snap)

A: What?!?
A: :(
Me: Yep, totally broken. I have a Dr appt on the 9th to see where we start
A: I'm so sorry! Let me know if I can do anything
Me: Thanks, right now it's just a lot of waiting. It's pretty scary actually

And that was the end of the conversation.

How well do you know your body?

Seriously, think about it. How much tracking have you done of every single flipping thing in the last 3 months? 6 months? Year?

If I asked you what your "symptoms" were on the 5th day of your cycle could you conjure up some chart, some app, some notebook that would tell you?

Do know you exactly what your O pain feels like? What position your cervix is in right before you start your period?

If asked, could you produce the EXACT dates of your last years of cycles? I know I can. I've been tracking for a long, long time.

I started well before I was TCC. And it started slow, just tracking my periods every month. Then I started tracking when I did the deed (no shit, I can tell you the exact dates I've had sex for the last 6 years, well I could, before my stupid phone crapped out, now I have to cross fingers I got that backed up to my SD card recently)

Then came symptoms. I was irregular so I thought maybe if I can remember exactly what days I started getting gassy, or crampy or my boobs felt like they had swollen up the size of my head, then maybe I could better predict when I'd start. Nothing to do with TTC, more about making sure I packed tampons when I needed them.

Then came the temping, every single morning I roll over and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I do anything else, I record it and usually fall back asleep until I can't waste anymore time without skipping a shower for work (and I've done it, I love my bed)

So now I have all this data and it's done me abso-fucking-lutely NO GOOD.

None of these things has helped me get pregnant. So is it a waste of time? Maybe. But I feel like I can control that. So I'll continue doing it until I just can't take it anymore.

It's awesome to know so much more about myself but it also makes me extremely jealous of people how just get pregnant. My little sister was like 16 weeks along when she found out... SIXTEEN WEEKS.

I start taking tests like 10dpo. How can you not know.. or at least suspect something for 16 weeks?!?!

It blows my mind.

Oh FF says I'm 7dpo, I had a huge temp spike today. Could mean a couple of things. A) I didn't O 7 days ago but O'd yesterday. B) I did O 7 days ago and implanted yesterday and will have one of the coveted triphasic charts C) I was hot last night

-h

She's here... I mean I think so

So my temps plummeted dramatically yesterday and I had some spotting in the afternoon, not a whole lot overnight (like barely anything) I'm marking today as CD1 but I'm starting to wonder if my light (2-3 days max) periods could have something to do with my lining not getting thick enough?

This whole journey has been a testament to how much I didn't know about my body, how it worked, what it did. I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous of those who get to run around blissfully unaware of what it takes but at the same time, I'm loving the education I'm getting!!

I'm cranky today. I mean snapped at my husband for giving me a kiss good morning cranky. Almost kicked the dog for being in my way cranky. Don't come to my desk or I will stab you with a pencil cranky.

I need wine and a nap!

Old wives tales a.k.a Smiling and playing along

On Friday, the girls in the office that sit one row away were all a twitter; giggling, gasping and other gleeful noises drifted over my way. I was trying to ignore them, I've only been there 3 weeks so I don't know them very well. I heard one say "no, what if it says I'm infertile and I cry?"

That caught my attention and I had to go see what it was all about.

They were doing this pencil on a string thing to tell you how many kids you'll have an what sex they will be.

The trick goes like this: You thread a needle then stick the needle into the eraser of a sharpened pencil (no lie, my first thought was who the hell has a actual wooden pencil anymore). You hover the pencil over the test subjects left wrist and the pencil starts to circle, if it then swings up and down the arm, she'll have a boy, if it goes across, a girl. The "test" isn't over until the pencil stops moving. If it goes up and down then circles again then goes up and down again then stops... Two boys.

So here they are, "testing" everyone in the office and now I had to go stick my big nose in it. Now of course they want to do mine.. Mind you, I am on CD31, been having negative HPT's for 4 days, and no sign of AF in sight... I was a little sensitive to say the least.

I had a dilemma, do I play along, let them have their fun and not say a word? Or do I tell them I'm not in the mood and then have to explain why.

Since I'm trying to be more positive, I went with the first.

According to the pencil, I'll have 2 kids, a boy then a girl. I was really proud of myself for not bursting in to tears while they were doing it.

11dpo and my symptom stalking isn't going so well

Like the title says, today is 11dpo and my symptom spotting WOULD be in full force...

IF I HAD ANY SYMPTOMS!!!!!!

I'm completely symptomless.. nothing, no cramps, no twinges, no sore boobs, no sensitive nipples, no zits, no stuffy nose, no heightened sense of smell.. NOTHING. 

Nothing that leads me to believe I'm pregnant OR that AF is on her way. Which is weird, because I've been symptom tracking just a little longer than I've been temping and I get some serious pre-period things happening starting about 1 week before my period but this month... NOTHING.

My temp had nosedived yesterday, I mean down to 96.1 but it was back up again today so I'm attributing that to sleeping on the couch instead of in my warm bed with my blankets. 

So we're maybe still in the game but I'm seriously starting to lost what little hope I'd let myself get. 

Implantation dip? Or am I crazy

Ok so since I've been charting my temps, I'm getting obsessed!! I know I ovulated, I know we did it during my "fertile" window and today I had what they call the "implantation dip".
23% of women charting that see this ARE pregnant, 11% that see this aren't pregnant and the other remaining don't ever see a dip preggo or not...

I know that's not reason to get my hopes up but I'll be damned if it doesn't!

I guess my temps tomorrow will help me see if I'm going up or down.

When should I start pissing on sticks? 10dpo, 12dpo or 14dpo?