Monday, May 19, 2014

I'm officially "that" girl

I'm not going to lie.. I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me! You see I feel like an asshole, a fraud, a jerk. I'm that girl, the one that stopped tracking, temping, symptom spotting and ended up with her BFP. Don't ever tell anyone my story, I'm a fluke and it's not helpful. 

See I didn't know how to break it to you. I mean some of you are my tweeple and found out on twitter because I panicked and posted the pic of my test, but it takes more than that to sit down and address it in a blog post. So here's the story of my second ever BFP, and the only pregnancy that's lasted more than a week.

Since we were supposed to start Clomid this next cycle, I had given up on this one. I wasn't tracking*, I didn't temp (seriously, my battery on the thermometer died and I was too lazy to get a replacement) we were just counting the days until CD1 so we could have a fresh start. I was prescribed Provera to force a period since my CD21 bloodwork said I didn't ovulate (jokes on you sucker.. it was like CD23 that I finally did) but I had a feeling I was about to start on my own (sore boobs, gassy, cranky, general AF stuff) so I was going to wait it out. I don't like taking meds if I don't have to, like I really despise it

5/14 -14dpo (based soley on my non-tracked symptoms) and AF wasn't here. I was getting impatient to start the cycle, figured I'd test, confirm my BFN, start my Provera and get on with it. 

So there I was with a Sure Predict and some pee in a cup (not even first morning pee) and 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't cry I kind of laughed, then panicked. I waited a couple hours and took another test terrified it would be blank like before. But it wasn't. my FRER had two pink lines... and the test line was way darker than the control. 

I called my dr on 5/15 to see what he wanted me to do. He wasn't in but the NP ordered a beta to confirm. I got those results on Friday 5/16... 1159!! Seemed high, maybe I O'd earlier than I though? We'll see. They aren't going to do a repeat blood draw because it's so high. I'm scheduled for a scan on Wednesday 5/21. 

I'm nervous, I'm scared and I feel like a jerk. 

There are so many of you that are still waiting, that have been in this fight much longer than I, that have lost so much more than we have. I feel for you, you deserve this. I can't explain how grateful I am for those that have been here, watching others get the one thing they so desperately want and deserve, supporting the new people coming in, cheering for those that get their miracle. You are all so freaking awesome. 


I don't know where I'm going to take the blog from here. I feel like I haven't really been around long enough to have followers that really need my blog. I mean, if you really love me, let me know, and we can work something out. I'll probably do random updates so you know I'm alive. I'll try and keep the alien baby crap to a minimum and if you want to unfollow me, or never speak to me or give me a virtual punch in the incredibly sore boobs, I totally understand that too..

-h

*ok maybe a little tracking of CM and CP, but JUST around when I though I might be Oing

14 comments:

  1. AW that is wonderful news! Congrats to you!!

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  2. Congratulations! Great news! Don't feel like a jerk. You can never call someone a jerk for getting pregnant. Keep blogging. Trust me, this ride can be quite tumultuous as well. Congrats again. Fingers crossed for a doubling beta.

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    1. Thank you! I think I will keep blogging.

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  3. Congratulations!!! I will be hoping the best for you and this pregnancy. I think everyone that gets there, no matter how, feels some sort of guilt about others still fighting the fight. It means you are a caring person. Try to enjoy as much as you can, as this is your turn!!

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    1. Thank you! and i think you're right, "survivor's guilt" is a real strong emotion.

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  4. Im so happy for you that is amazing be happy for it dont let anyone take away from it we all deserve to enjoy it no matter what!

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    1. Thank you! Everyone has been so great~

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  5. Congratulation Holly! Umm... to be honest with you, I sort of had a feeling. Don't ask me how, maybe the tone of your previous posts (I don't know if you knew yet) but I'm freaking happy for you. Don't feel like a jerk, you don't control nature. Rather be grateful for "nature's random act of kindness".

    As for blogging, it's up to you but you should keep blogging. This is your journey so feel free to write about wherever it is taking you. Whoever wants to keep reading, will. And I echo Heidi, pregnancy after struggling brings its own set of issues you might want to explore.

    Again, congrats, keeping my fingers crossed for a smooth and easy pregnancy!

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    1. I didn't know yet so maybe you're psychic! I found out the day after my last entry and I've been trying to decide on when to break it here. A few "real life" people know I blog.. and it wouldn't be super hard to find but I don't think they're looking anyway.

      Thank you!!

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  6. Wow! This is great news! Congrats!

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  7. This is such good news! Congratulations! Don't feel guilty - you deserve to enjoy this pregnancy.

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  8. Wow, congrats Holly! That's the kind of amazing, mind blowing news we're all hoping for, enjoy it. Good luck at the ultrasound tomorrow!

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  9. So this is super super delayed, but Congratulations!!!!!! And you definitely shouldn't stop blogging, although it looks like you haven't. I think it's sad when people get pregnant and then feel like we're kicked out of "IF club" because, in reality, we'll never really belong in the regular-pregnant-people-land either. I am so happy for you!

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