Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Broke down and bought a FRER yesterday..

With every intention of taking one this morning, 14dpo. But my temps dropped like a rock and I couldn't bring myself to waste it. I'm surprisingly ok mentally right now. But AF still hasn't started so I guess there is still that little niggle of hope in the back of my mind.

I felt like a total asshole yesterday. Like biggest asshole on the planet. I have an old friend that lives out of state. She and I were really close for quite awhile but as our lives changed and it wasn't as easy to just up and go visit ever six months, we grew apart.

Well she got married a couple years ago... to a guy she had been dating for like 6 months. She called and invited me to be a bridesmaid and I accepted, but as we started pricing things, it became clear I wasn't going to be able to afford the trip. I was getting married 2 month before that and even though we didn't have a big wedding, it still wasn't cheap. My cost of going to her wedding: the dress, the shoes, the flight, the hotel room, the rental car, etc was going to be just under $1500. And right after my wedding... I just wasn't going to be able to do it. So I called her and backed out. She said she was fine, she had a back-up. It was plenty of time in advance for another bridesmaid to step in, No biggie. But after that phone call... we didn't talk anymore. I texted her on her wedding day to wish her congrats and good luck. She replied a quick "Thanks, call you later" but that call never came. I texted her again on her birthday, got a thanks again.

Fast forward to August... I get a text of a sonogram... "We're not making it public yet but we're pregnant!"
Due a month after her birthday, so exciting, we just started trying it it happened so fast. Blah Blah Blah. I was happy she was excited but let's face it, she's always jumped into these not so great relationships because she WANTS TO BE MARRIED.. that was her life goal. The whole time she was pursuing her MASTERS, all she could talk about was how she just needed a boyfriend so she could get married. Now I get wanting to be with someone, wanting to find the love of your life. But this is the kind of girl who tried to force square pegs in a round hole in her last 3 relationships. So I was a little skeptical... and I've never met the guy, my fault, I know but whatever.

So I was a little bitter, and then I got the October text "It's a girl" YAY was my reply... radio silence after that. I'm not going to lie, I had to hide her on facebook. I couldn't take all the posts about all these things she was buying for her baby and how the room was coming and all that shit. I just couldn't do it. So I hid her and just checked her page on good days, when I could handle it.

Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking to one of my bf's (the other childless ((by choice for now)) one) about how it was so unfair. Here we have my situation long relationship, trying so hard.. no baby and here is the relationship trainwreck that is our friend and she's 5 weeks away from getting her healthy baby... UGH why is the universe so unfair?? Bitch, Bitch, Moan Moan.. the whole way to work...

Then I get a text. Friend is having complications and they are going in for an emergency C-section. (mind you, this is not from friend but someone who saw it on friend's brothers FACEBOOK).

Great... Now I put it out there and the poor baby is going to come early because I'm a bitter, ugly on the inside, horrible person... Thanks universe... guess that will show me.

Baby was born 5 weeks early. 4lbs 9oz, she's looks great, pink and screaming. Mom is good... All is well. She's having trouble latching but I think that's common for premeies.. Either way, I'm an asshole.


  1. You are not an asshole at all. I have had very similar feelings and even recently had to removed my best friend from my Facebook feed and, like you, only check on good days. But I still have moments when I see her where I ask how they can have a baby after not trying as long and we cannot. It is such a hard painful journey we are on :(

  2. Hi Holly! You are not an asshole. You are simply writing what the majority of women feel who are on this rougher side of the fence-it's honest. I like to think I'm this super-nice-kind-happy person but I HATE pregnancy with a passion although I desperately want it so bad. You are not alone in hiding things on facebook, writing "yay" on texts (i'm gearing up to do that for a friend's gender reveal"), etc. I'm rooting for you.

  3. Thank you both ladies. I'm feeling less assholeish now that baby is going home with them. Still hidden on facebook.. and I just had to hide 3 others... I feel like I won't have anyone left after this spring. To twitter I go :)

  4. Hi Holly, just found your blog and I'm really enjoying it. I try to avoid the darker thoughts sometimes because it's easy to get sucked into a "me against them" mentality that isn't so healthy, but other times you just gotta wallow in the dark side for a while. Don't worry, none of the bitter, shitty things we all think about pregnant friends/family members makes any difference. I can prove it - if our bitterness had any influence, there would be waaaaay fewer of them!