Friday, March 21, 2014

Fuck this day

I'm having an awful day.. and it started last night. I've got all the signs that I'm getting close to Oing.. will I or won't I is the question but hubs has been stressed and is having trouble... ahem... performing. Well that's not entirely true. The performance is great, it's the finale that never comes. (pun totally intended)

And let's get serious.. when you have fertile CM, a high open cervix... that's the only part that matters!! I try not to let my disappointment show, I don't want to hurt his feelings but it's very difficult. The window is so small and there are already odds stacked against us and that's even before you account for the fact that I may or may not even end up ovulating. I'm not mad or upset with HIM, just with the situation in general. This, of course, started a heated discussion.

I'm upset that I don't feel like he's vested in this. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, how much work it is. How scary it is. Even when I tell him he's so blase about the whole thing. He told me last night that he's "fine with having a kid and fine if we don't". That really caught me off guard. I tried to explain that child-free is forever, like we can't change our minds in 10 years and just have a baby. He said he understands that, but to me, where I am right now, that's unfathomable. (please note, I intend absolutely NO disrespect to those who have chosen to live child free, regardless of what lead them to that choice, it's just not for me at this point)

I talked about my next steps, going to the Dr in a couple weeks, most likely moving to Clomid (or Femara) and what that would entail. I explained that it would be devastating to me if we spent the money/time on a medicated cycle and then he couldn't "do his part". Honestly, I felt awful telling him that, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest. That is the truth. I don't want to take medicines, be monitored, possibly have to take more meds to trigger and then he not pull his weight in the process. Does that make me an awful person, maybe. But we've all thought it.

I explained to him that there is a limited number of cycles we can do like that, and that IUI would most likely be the next step. He didn't know what it was so I explained... you play happy time into a cup, they put it in me with a turkey baster (ok, it's a lot more medical than that but you get the gist). He said "I don't want to do that, that's weird" I started crying. He said "Of course I'll probably do it because that's what you want" I cried harder.

Hubs has never been an emotional guy, he's not a feelings talker but is it so hard for you to just SAY that WE want it? Because then my brain spirals into all the "what if he doesn't want this" "Am I forcing him to do something he doesn't want?" "what if it does work and he hates me forever?" (Brains are great at hyperbole) He was reassuring that if he didn't want to do this, we wouldn't even be talking about it, but that doesn't really help.

He said IVF is off the table. We won't go in to debt on the gamble of having a child (which by nature would just cost us more money) I'm heartbroken. I know there is a ways to go before we have to make that decision, but to hear him put it so bluntly is gut wrenching. I hope that he'll change his mind.

This is getting much longer than intended. So if you've made it this far, congrats and thank you. I'm off to go sit in my car and cry some more so my co-workers don't think I'm insane. I need to get that goldfish bowl


  1. I am sorry that you don't feel more supported by him :( My husband doesn't quite understand how difficult this is for me either - but he wants kids - by his thinking, I can get poked and prodded until the cows come home as long as we do we everything we can to have a child. But he doesn't know much about the processes - just shows up when he is supposed to and does his thang. Hopefully you won't have to deal with IVF as an option - will be definitely be hoping that for you :)

  2. My hubby was kind of the same way about IUI & IVF in that that's not normal. We haven't talked in depth about IVF but we have talked about IUI and since that's not quite as involved as IVF then we would go forward with that if needed. This IF stuff is hard on couples. You get your mind full of all of these thoughts of timing, signs & symptoms to where it takes over your daily life. I think sometimes you just have to take a step back for a bit and regroup. I don't know if this is the point you are at but I had to just tell myself to stop! You are in my thoughts :)

  3. I think guys in general just don't understand our biological clocks and what we have to go thru in order to make things happen sometimes. My husband wanted kids very much but when it came time for drs visits and injections and IVF, his attitude was, "put your big girl panties on" and he was very unsympathetic about everything i had to do. It wasn't until a very long time that he truly started to understand how difficult this whole process is. Hoping you feel better!

  4. Yes. Guys are so different about all this stuff. My hubby didn't understand my feelings of desperation and despair. He had the attitude of whatever happens. Once we got pregnant the first time everything changed. He got it. He felt it. My point is, give him some time. Maybe he just moves at a different pace. We as hormonal women have to remember that that's ok. It's hard.

    With the "in the bedroom" stuff, we too have had this issue sometimes. The pressure of timed intercourse is tough on the male psyche. There is no "pre-seed" to help boys when they are just not in the mood. Sucks. Even when I was frustrated I would try to keep my feelings in b/c I felt like added stress would make it worse. Does he take any meds? Blood pressure? Anti-depresents or anxiety? Drink a lot? Those are all big factors for this stuff too.

    I hope you feel better about all this stuff soon dealing with all the BS with infertility is awful. I'm glad your blogging about it. And I hope that helps you!

  5. Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better today, we managed to get that finale in last night :)

    It really is helpful to have a place to vent and I'm so thankful for all your support!

  6. I'm sorry for your pain, Holly. I've walked in your shoes and felt the same frustration with my hubby when we were at that stage. Try to remember that you both process this different and have different feelings but it is difficult for both you. And you never know, he may change his mind when you are actually facing the decision of IVF. Hugs.

  7. My husband sometimes has the issue of not finishing if he feels too much pressure too. When we were doing IUI's, they always encouraged extra intercourse. I remember feeling so upset about him not finishing, but it's not his fault. That doesn't mean that it wasn't disappointing. I am so sorry that you are going through all of that. It sucks. *HUGS*

  8. Marital difficulties on top of not being pregnant - isn't this stuff just THE BEST?! Really sorry you're dealing with this Holly. I've been down the husbands-just-don't-understand road and will be there again. I think the big thing is communication above all else; every time one of us has tried to hold back our feelings, fights happen. The more you talk it out and understand each other, the easier it is to navigate all this bs as a team. Good luck!

  9. New reader here (thanks for stopping over and commenting on mine!). I have to say I relate to this post sooo much. After perusing the other comments here I agree that men are often just not that great at deal with emotions, or understanding ours anyways. I hear us women are complicated. :)

    My husband was 100% against IVF. He was even against any treatment whatsoever, but I convinced him after 1.5 years that I wanted us to see someone about it because we were losing time and something was clearly wrong. Discussion began about IUIs, which was a somewhat affordable option and had better odds of success, so after he had time to process it all and understand all the information, he somewhat reluctantly agreed. As we went on, he was fully vested in it and supported it wholeheartedly, even though it sucked to have to do it. IVF at that point was still never an option to him because he didn't want to go into debt trying, but after a year of IUIs, here we are doing IVF. I pushed it with him, probably sooner than he wanted, but yet we are both now in a good place and feeling positive about it.

    I guess I'm trying to say that I think some guys can be reluctant to proceed with infertility treatment. It takes away their "manhood" or something. But in my experience, once they understand it all (and from a dr and not just out of my own mouth) they might change their view on it.

    I will be hoping that you get some answers when you meet with someone that will get you on the right path towards your baby. Who knows, maybe you won't even have to worry about how your husband feels about IVF! One step at a time...that is my mantra.