I'm having an awful day.. and it started last night. I've got all the signs that I'm getting close to Oing.. will I or won't I is the question but hubs has been stressed and is having trouble... ahem... performing. Well that's not entirely true. The performance is great, it's the finale that never comes. (pun totally intended)
And let's get serious.. when you have fertile CM, a high open cervix... that's the only part that matters!! I try not to let my disappointment show, I don't want to hurt his feelings but it's very difficult. The window is so small and there are already odds stacked against us and that's even before you account for the fact that I may or may not even end up ovulating. I'm not mad or upset with HIM, just with the situation in general. This, of course, started a heated discussion.
I'm upset that I don't feel like he's vested in this. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, how much work it is. How scary it is. Even when I tell him he's so blase about the whole thing. He told me last night that he's "fine with having a kid and fine if we don't". That really caught me off guard. I tried to explain that child-free is forever, like we can't change our minds in 10 years and just have a baby. He said he understands that, but to me, where I am right now, that's unfathomable. (please note, I intend absolutely NO disrespect to those who have chosen to live child free, regardless of what lead them to that choice, it's just not for me at this point)
I talked about my next steps, going to the Dr in a couple weeks, most likely moving to Clomid (or Femara) and what that would entail. I explained that it would be devastating to me if we spent the money/time on a medicated cycle and then he couldn't "do his part". Honestly, I felt awful telling him that, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest. That is the truth. I don't want to take medicines, be monitored, possibly have to take more meds to trigger and then he not pull his weight in the process. Does that make me an awful person, maybe. But we've all thought it.
I explained to him that there is a limited number of cycles we can do like that, and that IUI would most likely be the next step. He didn't know what it was so I explained... you play happy time into a cup, they put it in me with a turkey baster (ok, it's a lot more medical than that but you get the gist). He said "I don't want to do that, that's weird" I started crying. He said "Of course I'll probably do it because that's what you want" I cried harder.
Hubs has never been an emotional guy, he's not a feelings talker but is it so hard for you to just SAY that WE want it? Because then my brain spirals into all the "what if he doesn't want this" "Am I forcing him to do something he doesn't want?" "what if it does work and he hates me forever?" (Brains are great at hyperbole) He was reassuring that if he didn't want to do this, we wouldn't even be talking about it, but that doesn't really help.
He said IVF is off the table. We won't go in to debt on the gamble of having a child (which by nature would just cost us more money) I'm heartbroken. I know there is a ways to go before we have to make that decision, but to hear him put it so bluntly is gut wrenching. I hope that he'll change his mind.
This is getting much longer than intended. So if you've made it this far, congrats and thank you. I'm off to go sit in my car and cry some more so my co-workers don't think I'm insane. I need to get that goldfish bowl