New beginnings

It really sounds much more pleasant than it is. A new beginning in my world means violent mood swings, random bouts of tears, zits on my chin, feeling like my uterus is in a vice, and something that rivals a B horror film when I go to the bathroom...

That's right ladies, CD1 is upon us. I'm not really THAT sad about it. I'm actually ok since tomorrow is the "How the fuck are we going to make me a baby" appointment and I figure that starting fresh will mean that any testing that needs done can just get done that much sooner. I did realize that this cycle was my last chance to birth a child in 2014. That's weird to think about.

• 2015, year of the sheep... Guess that kid's getting off easier than me (year of the rat).
• This kid will graduate high school in/around 2033 (are you reading this?!?!?!)
• My grandparents will likely not live to see this child graduate high school (If grandpa makes it to 99 though, I'll be THRILLED)
• These are the things this kid will wear to "retro" parties

It's a strange thing, time. It doesn't wait for us at all but we count on it so much. 

Here's to a whole shit ton of 2015, year of the sheep babies for all of us! 

Why do we do it?

Why do we stress, and symptom stalk, and test early (and often)? Why do we push ourselves to know RIGHT NOW? Why can't we just wait until that lovely time of the month doesn't come and pee on a stick to see two beautiful lines and blissfully waltz into pregnancy?

Instead we have to hit the internet every time something feels "off". Watery CM? Better check the internet. Pain in the side of boobs? Better check the internet. If you are anything like me your search history probably looks like:

• 10dpo watery cm BFP
• dizziness sign of early pregnancy
• how early BFP
• CD35 ovulation BFP
• TWW symptoms 11dpo
• blah blah blah blah blah

I mean my best friend didn't even understand what a Two Week Wait WAS!!! She just knew, when I'm late, I test. No freaking out on the message boards, No taking multiple tests before it's due, posting the pictures and begging for someone (anyone) to confirm they see a shadow of a line (that I almost NEVER see) on your HPT taken on 8dpo. You see the lucky ones. Posting their progression pics. Little strips laid out on the counter, perfectly labeled with the day past ovulation (sometimes with the date and time seriously, how to they write so small and neatly?) that second line getting darker and darker each test. I know girls that took one in the WAL-MART bathroom, got their glaring pink line within seconds and tossed it (maybe taking a picture for documentation). Those girls never got "line-eye" They just peed, got a result and moved on. I wish I could be that girl.

I'm not, I couldn't be that patient. It was 9/10dpo (FF is confused depending on the "mode" it's in) so I tested. 

Stark white internet cheapie. Not even a hint of a line. I should have just waited. I keep telling myself I'll wait and I don't. I'm a sucker and I fucking hate it!

If you care to symptom stalk with me here's what I've got: watery (I mean gushing) CM and congestion. That's it, boob pain went away today. Temps are still up so there's some hope I guess. 

Pretty sure I'm out...

Still symptomless.. Peed on a stick this morning.. Negative. I know it's not over til it's over... Now I guess I wait for my favorite friend to show up. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I figured this would happen.