Returning to work was hard for me. I came back on a Wednesday, as recommended by every website out there. Don't do a whole week your first week, it's rough on you they say. Turns out, even a half week is rough too.
I spent the Monday and Tuesday prior to my return crying on my baby's head all day. It's not right you know, to leave your infant. Every single fiber of my being was screaming at me to not leave. It's not like he was going to a strangers though, I mean he was with my mom and home with N it should be fine. Thousands upon thousands of women do it every year. It's the new normal.. it's okay, we'll be okay.
I thought I was okay. I didn't cry that whole first week, or most of the second. but right around the 10th day I had to kiss my happy smiling baby goodbye and then hear that he was crying and fighting sleep for my mom, I lost it.
When I say lost it, I mean I cried for about 4 hours every day. I cried on my way to work, I cried every pump session, I cried on my way to get him. He cries a lot too. He misses me, as soon as we get home each evening he nurses until he falls asleep... usually 2 or 3 hours straight of nursing. I take comfort in that, the re-connection, the bonding.
2 weeks ago it was really bad. N worked on Tuesday night and Ollie had an appointment at 3:40 on Wednesday afternoon so the plan was for my SIL to come over and watch O at our house while N slept for a few hours, then they would meet me at my work and we'd go to the appt together... That plan flew out the window when my baby screamed for 3 hours straight and refused his bottle. N had to drive him out to me (I live 45 mins from work). I climbed in the backseat, unbuckled my red, screaming, now hoarse baby and nursed him while wiping the sweat off his little head. He sighed and moaned as he ate and it broke my heart into a million pieces.
He was fine now that he was with me. My inconsolable baby was now consoled but I couldn't be there for him every day. It's not feasible to bring him to me every time he's upset. I'm starting to cry now just thinking about it.
Last week I got in fight with N on my way home from work. I was crying again, upset that I was forced to be away from my baby for 55 hours a week. He wasn't very supportive, attempting to be logical when I just wanted him to listen. I snapped at him hard. He ended the conversation with a recommendation to call my dr. He was right.
See post-partum depression isn't the same for everyone. Some people have aversions to caring for their baby, they feel trapped at home, tied down by the new little human dictating their every move. But me? I feel trapped at work, unable to care for him, the way only a mother can. I feel that NO ONE is doing it right without me there to watch, no one can hold him, or burp him correctly. No one else can soothe him like I can. And more obviously, no one can nurse him. I fell into a pit of despair that I will miss EVERYTHING, his first laugh (which I did already miss), first roll, first steps, first word. The odds of me being there when I only spend 4 waking hours with him a day are slim. That notion is more than just a bummer... it's completely unacceptable.
Compounding my sadness is anger. While I was on leave, a lot of things changed at work. I thought they might but I wasn't prepared to be told that I could no longer work remotely and then to not be given a reason why. I was counting on being able to spend at least one day working from home, as I have since I started. To help break up the time he's away from me, even if he's being watched by my SIL or N while I'm in our office at home. He can be brought to me to eat, I can go to him to calm him, to put him down for his naps but that's no longer an option and I'm not given a reason.. I'm an adult... I don't do well with "because I said so"
So I spend 30-45 minutes 3 times a day pumping in an office trying not to worry about having enough for the next day, watching videos of my little man to help coax my milk out. I hate every single second of it.
My dr put me on some meds, they're supposed to kick in around week 3... I have the card of a counselor in my wallet... I haven't called yet.
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
Birth Story Part 2 - The Induction
So there we were, in a hospital room with a bouncy, happy nurse helping me into my lovely hospital gown. Little Ms. Bouncy Happy quickly turned into my MORTAL enemy. See I have really rolly crappy veins for IVs in my left arm. I get it, it's supposed to be better for them to not be in your dominate arm but that side sucks, they always miss and then I bruise. I tell her this, she started to go for my right and then said, "You know, I think I can get that side, it looks ok." NOT OKAY!! It rolls on her so she spent what seems like 10 minutes digging around, finally go it and can't get the thing on fast enough so I'm bleeding ALL OVER THE FLOOR. Listen, I'm usually not squeamish, I give blood fairly regularly, but feeling my hot blood dripping down my hand almost makes me puke. (I should have... right on her shoes). I'm staring at N (who happens to be one of the best IV getters ever due to his job) like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Then she gets the damn thing taped down and the hub is pressed too tight in my skin. This thing bugged me the ENTIRE time.
My parents are chomping at the bit to come up so I allowed it. Everyone takes turns coming in to say hello and chat about how awesome this is, we're having a baby soon!! Then, at 11:15 my doctor arrives. He explains the induction process and checks me. I am still at a 3 and 85% effaced so at 11:30am, he breaks my water.
Now I've been told HORROR stories about how painful getting your water broken is, but I didn't even know that's what he was doing. All of a sudden I just felt like I was peeing EVERYWHERE. Ugh, that sensation makes me feel gross just thinking about it. They started the pitocin and I was left to labor. I send my mom to the store to get more yarn for the blanket I started crocheting the night before. Mainly to get her out of my room, she is starting to bug me. N ate some lunch and took a little cat nap.
By 12:30 the contractions are starting to get stronger, my pain is bearable, maybe a 3 at the peak of the contactions. My dad watches the contraction monitor and makes snarky jokes about how "that wasn't a bad one".. I normally just roll my eyes but now I'm starting to get stabby. I can't get comfortable, my hips are taking the pressure of each contraction and I need to get out of the bed. I send Ms. HB to go get a birthing ball and N to fetch ice and popcicles. My best friend ever shows up and even though I've kicked everyone out, I need here there.
Ms. HB brings in the peanut shaped birthing ball and covers it with 2 pads and what seems like 100 towels, the gushing of my water gets worse when I stand. It leaks all over the floor when I get up, I need a pad and underwear on, NOW. That really grosses me out. Ms. HB assures me she's seen worse, doesn't she understand I don't CARE about her feelings.. I just don't like it! I get on the birthing ball, N sits in front of me on a stool so I can lean forward on his knees, Nicole sits behind me on the bed and rubs my exposed back with a cool wash cloth in between contractions and pushes HARD on my lower back during them. The counter pressure feels AWESOME. If my legs didn't hurt, I could labor here for awhile, things are still bearable except for my feet. My ankles are so swollen that any movement that causes them to bend, is very painful, they feel like they are going to split open.
My contractions are getting stronger, during one really hard one I attempt to hand N my cup of ice chips but drop them all over the floor. This makes me irrationally angry. I'm so irritable, between the lack of ice chips and the contractions grossing me out with the forceful gushing of fluids, I'm starting to lose my cool. I want to stand or squat but my feet and legs hurt so bad. I have to get in the bed. Now I'm stuck, laboring on my back the LAST thing I wanted. It's so hard, nothing can relieve the pressure, I can't move, I can't shift with the contractions. Everything my body wants to naturally do to relieve the pain I can't do because of how swollen my lower half is.
At 3:30 pm I tell N I want the epidural, it hurts too bad. He reminds me (as he was instructed to do) that I don't want it. I tell him I'm dead serious and he offers the narcotic once first to see. I agree and call Ms. HB and tell her to bring the drugs. I'm told that this is supposed to not necessarily lessen the pain, but just make me not care about the pain. This is bullshit. If anyone attempts to tell you that, throat punch them immediately. The only thing it did was make me want to sleep between my contractions, but given that they were 4 minutes apart, that wasn't an option. My eyelids were heavy, I felt drunk but the contractions still hurt like a SOB!!
At 5pm I said F it, bring in the epidural. Around 530 they do, the force N to sit in a chair while the do it instead and Ms. HB holds my hand instead. It only takes a few minutes (my notes for this story say "Holy awesome feeling") and the relief was instant. I can't feel my legs after a minute so that pain is gone too. The baby isn't a huge fan of the epidural though, we have a couple of touchy moments where the heart rate dips, they put the oxygen mask on me and we're good to go.
6pm: They check me again, I'm finally 100% effaced and at a 6 they give me a catheter since I'm no longer allowed out of the bed. The epidural allows me to cat nap, it's a welcome relief since the cath is uncomfortable and my mother is driving me BONKERS.
7pm: I'm at a 7 and I'm STARVING. My stomach is making lots of loud "FEED ME" sounds. I'm already sick of ice chips and popcicles. I wait until shift change for the nurses and make N sneak me some crackers. I need something in my system or I won't have the strength to do this.
My notes end there so the rest of this is purely from memory, it might need a couple rounds of editing before it's correct.
I was progressing at 1cm an hour. I remember getting out the blanket I was working on and crocheting a couple rows
I remember napping a little and I remember kicking everyone out around 9:40. I was starting to feel the need to push. It wasn't terrible, but it was there. I told the nurse (not Ms. HB but a new one.. she was like 8 ft tall) She went and got another nurse and they dropped the end of the bed and got the stirrups out. The put N on my left side, and said we'd do some practice pushes. We started "practicing" at 10pm. Practicing rolled into actually pushing around 11pm. They brought in the whole team a couple more nurses, my dr and the student he had with him. I remember them asking if I wanted the mirror down... NO THANK YOU.
They asked if we had names picked out and I told them both our boy name and girl name. Everyone was so excited to see what we would have. I was pushing on my back, I was bitching about the IV in my arm. They kept telling me to tuck my chin to my chest but also telling me to breathe (Ummmm, you can't breathe that way!!!) I could feel most everything. I hadn't pushed the button for my epidural so I could finally lift and move my legs but it was too late, I was stuck on my back.
I got the worst advice ever.. push toward the light... Hey bitch, that light is on the ceiling... how about we change this up and let gravity help? No? Damn it... damn my swollen legs ruining this for me. They kept telling me to push and I kept pushing and pushing and pushing.
The next thing I know the nurses are screaming at me to push, and "helping" me by pushing on my stomach. I can HEAR my stomach growling I'm so freaking hungry, who denies food to a woman about to go through all this? This is cruelty. I can feel my doctor yanking, hard. I scream out "OH Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk"
Then all of a sudden there is a warm and gunky blob placed on my tummy.
My first instinct is to grab it, scoop it up and bring it to me, I can't get a grasp on it though. It's not crying why isn't it crying... Oh wait, there it is! That little scream breaks me, I cry for the first time. I hear myself say "What is it?"
(to be continued)
My parents are chomping at the bit to come up so I allowed it. Everyone takes turns coming in to say hello and chat about how awesome this is, we're having a baby soon!! Then, at 11:15 my doctor arrives. He explains the induction process and checks me. I am still at a 3 and 85% effaced so at 11:30am, he breaks my water.
Now I've been told HORROR stories about how painful getting your water broken is, but I didn't even know that's what he was doing. All of a sudden I just felt like I was peeing EVERYWHERE. Ugh, that sensation makes me feel gross just thinking about it. They started the pitocin and I was left to labor. I send my mom to the store to get more yarn for the blanket I started crocheting the night before. Mainly to get her out of my room, she is starting to bug me. N ate some lunch and took a little cat nap.
By 12:30 the contractions are starting to get stronger, my pain is bearable, maybe a 3 at the peak of the contactions. My dad watches the contraction monitor and makes snarky jokes about how "that wasn't a bad one".. I normally just roll my eyes but now I'm starting to get stabby. I can't get comfortable, my hips are taking the pressure of each contraction and I need to get out of the bed. I send Ms. HB to go get a birthing ball and N to fetch ice and popcicles. My best friend ever shows up and even though I've kicked everyone out, I need here there.
Ms. HB brings in the peanut shaped birthing ball and covers it with 2 pads and what seems like 100 towels, the gushing of my water gets worse when I stand. It leaks all over the floor when I get up, I need a pad and underwear on, NOW. That really grosses me out. Ms. HB assures me she's seen worse, doesn't she understand I don't CARE about her feelings.. I just don't like it! I get on the birthing ball, N sits in front of me on a stool so I can lean forward on his knees, Nicole sits behind me on the bed and rubs my exposed back with a cool wash cloth in between contractions and pushes HARD on my lower back during them. The counter pressure feels AWESOME. If my legs didn't hurt, I could labor here for awhile, things are still bearable except for my feet. My ankles are so swollen that any movement that causes them to bend, is very painful, they feel like they are going to split open.
 |
| Seriously, look at how fat that ankle is down there! |
My contractions are getting stronger, during one really hard one I attempt to hand N my cup of ice chips but drop them all over the floor. This makes me irrationally angry. I'm so irritable, between the lack of ice chips and the contractions grossing me out with the forceful gushing of fluids, I'm starting to lose my cool. I want to stand or squat but my feet and legs hurt so bad. I have to get in the bed. Now I'm stuck, laboring on my back the LAST thing I wanted. It's so hard, nothing can relieve the pressure, I can't move, I can't shift with the contractions. Everything my body wants to naturally do to relieve the pain I can't do because of how swollen my lower half is.
At 3:30 pm I tell N I want the epidural, it hurts too bad. He reminds me (as he was instructed to do) that I don't want it. I tell him I'm dead serious and he offers the narcotic once first to see. I agree and call Ms. HB and tell her to bring the drugs. I'm told that this is supposed to not necessarily lessen the pain, but just make me not care about the pain. This is bullshit. If anyone attempts to tell you that, throat punch them immediately. The only thing it did was make me want to sleep between my contractions, but given that they were 4 minutes apart, that wasn't an option. My eyelids were heavy, I felt drunk but the contractions still hurt like a SOB!!
At 5pm I said F it, bring in the epidural. Around 530 they do, the force N to sit in a chair while the do it instead and Ms. HB holds my hand instead. It only takes a few minutes (my notes for this story say "Holy awesome feeling") and the relief was instant. I can't feel my legs after a minute so that pain is gone too. The baby isn't a huge fan of the epidural though, we have a couple of touchy moments where the heart rate dips, they put the oxygen mask on me and we're good to go.
6pm: They check me again, I'm finally 100% effaced and at a 6 they give me a catheter since I'm no longer allowed out of the bed. The epidural allows me to cat nap, it's a welcome relief since the cath is uncomfortable and my mother is driving me BONKERS.
7pm: I'm at a 7 and I'm STARVING. My stomach is making lots of loud "FEED ME" sounds. I'm already sick of ice chips and popcicles. I wait until shift change for the nurses and make N sneak me some crackers. I need something in my system or I won't have the strength to do this.
My notes end there so the rest of this is purely from memory, it might need a couple rounds of editing before it's correct.
I was progressing at 1cm an hour. I remember getting out the blanket I was working on and crocheting a couple rows
 |
| I finally finished this the night before i returned to work so 11 weeks later :) |
They asked if we had names picked out and I told them both our boy name and girl name. Everyone was so excited to see what we would have. I was pushing on my back, I was bitching about the IV in my arm. They kept telling me to tuck my chin to my chest but also telling me to breathe (Ummmm, you can't breathe that way!!!) I could feel most everything. I hadn't pushed the button for my epidural so I could finally lift and move my legs but it was too late, I was stuck on my back.
I got the worst advice ever.. push toward the light... Hey bitch, that light is on the ceiling... how about we change this up and let gravity help? No? Damn it... damn my swollen legs ruining this for me. They kept telling me to push and I kept pushing and pushing and pushing.
The next thing I know the nurses are screaming at me to push, and "helping" me by pushing on my stomach. I can HEAR my stomach growling I'm so freaking hungry, who denies food to a woman about to go through all this? This is cruelty. I can feel my doctor yanking, hard. I scream out "OH Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk"
Then all of a sudden there is a warm and gunky blob placed on my tummy.
My first instinct is to grab it, scoop it up and bring it to me, I can't get a grasp on it though. It's not crying why isn't it crying... Oh wait, there it is! That little scream breaks me, I cry for the first time. I hear myself say "What is it?"
(to be continued)
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
29 weeks! A long overdue update
29 weeks. I can't believe it, I'll have a baby, in my arms, in less than 3 months. I am amazed and humbled every day.
Nugget is progressing perfectly. Our 20w scan was great, everything looked just as it should and we managed to keep the sex a secret.
I've gained too much weight for my liking but honestly, I'm ok with it. I can lose the weight I just want to enjoy every single bit of this! No weird cravings but I'm still a HUGE fan of cereal and baked potatoes (not at the same time of course). I never got sick, I get heartburn if I don't eat often enough and I swell a little if I'm on my feet too much but my wedding ring still fits!
Nugget is head down with his/her little face smooshed into my anterior placenta by my right hip bone and feet up right under my ribs. We had a 3D ultrasound yesterday, I'll post pics once I get them downloaded to the computer!! We have a lot of active time first thing in the morning and around 5-6pm and again right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. N is still weirded out by touching my belly directly but I snuggle up behind him at night and he gets the crap kicked out of his back while I sleep through it :P
I've had a couple of emotional outbursts but they were so insane that I was LAUGHING while I was CRYING because I knew it was ridiculous. One of these happened in the middle of Lowe's... and one happened when N laughed at me because I couldn't roll over quickly and got semi-stuck!!
We made the insane decision to basically remodel our whole house. All new paint in every room but the bathrooms, all new carpet and finish the basement. It's been crazy but great and I'm so glad we did it. Especially the carpet, that old stuff was GROSS!!!
I'm still pushing off doing the nursery. I know I need to get it done as I'm starting to run out of time BUUUUUT I feel like everything is moving too quickly!!! If I had it my way, I'd stay pregnant for another 5 months or longer!!!
My sister and best friends threw me an adorable shower. I don't have my pics back yet but will post those soon too. It was a rustic honeybee theme and it was AWESOME minus the fact that the only one from N's side to show was his step mom... That was pretty sad. We got a crib, our travel system, a mamaroo, and a ton of little essentials. Oh and N's sister threw him a diaper party the week before and we got a TON of diapers so that's great!
Ummmm what else. Oh work sucks, that's a whole other post. Maybe I'll blog that one out to get it off my chest!
So that's my super fast, not even proofread update!!
Nugget is progressing perfectly. Our 20w scan was great, everything looked just as it should and we managed to keep the sex a secret.
I've gained too much weight for my liking but honestly, I'm ok with it. I can lose the weight I just want to enjoy every single bit of this! No weird cravings but I'm still a HUGE fan of cereal and baked potatoes (not at the same time of course). I never got sick, I get heartburn if I don't eat often enough and I swell a little if I'm on my feet too much but my wedding ring still fits!
Nugget is head down with his/her little face smooshed into my anterior placenta by my right hip bone and feet up right under my ribs. We had a 3D ultrasound yesterday, I'll post pics once I get them downloaded to the computer!! We have a lot of active time first thing in the morning and around 5-6pm and again right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. N is still weirded out by touching my belly directly but I snuggle up behind him at night and he gets the crap kicked out of his back while I sleep through it :P
I've had a couple of emotional outbursts but they were so insane that I was LAUGHING while I was CRYING because I knew it was ridiculous. One of these happened in the middle of Lowe's... and one happened when N laughed at me because I couldn't roll over quickly and got semi-stuck!!
We made the insane decision to basically remodel our whole house. All new paint in every room but the bathrooms, all new carpet and finish the basement. It's been crazy but great and I'm so glad we did it. Especially the carpet, that old stuff was GROSS!!!
I'm still pushing off doing the nursery. I know I need to get it done as I'm starting to run out of time BUUUUUT I feel like everything is moving too quickly!!! If I had it my way, I'd stay pregnant for another 5 months or longer!!!
My sister and best friends threw me an adorable shower. I don't have my pics back yet but will post those soon too. It was a rustic honeybee theme and it was AWESOME minus the fact that the only one from N's side to show was his step mom... That was pretty sad. We got a crib, our travel system, a mamaroo, and a ton of little essentials. Oh and N's sister threw him a diaper party the week before and we got a TON of diapers so that's great!
Ummmm what else. Oh work sucks, that's a whole other post. Maybe I'll blog that one out to get it off my chest!
So that's my super fast, not even proofread update!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
A little update- Second Trimester!
15 weeks today, 25 weeks to go. I'm still feeling great physically, still haven't been sick at all! It's still unnerving to not know what's going on in there.
I'm so incredibly grateful for a lovely twitter friend that passed along her doppler to me. It has given me solace the last couple days.
My roommate cousin and her son will be moving out next weekend! I'm so relieved to finally have my house back. Something about being pregnant has made me very territorial.
My grandma had a mini stroke yesterday. She's a feisty woman though and it was very minor. She's hoping to be out of the hospital today.
Hubs and I are still in a disagreement over finding out the gender of the baby. I don't want to, he insists we HAVE to know. I don't know what he thinks people did 30+ years ago. How did they ever survive?? I don't think it's a compromise for him to know and attempt to keep it from me. I feel like he'll slip and then I'll be angry with him. I need to find a way to articulate how important this is for me. EVERYONE is already bugging me about what it's going to be... and I keep telling them, "it's going to be a baby, what else matters?" It's making me really dig my heels in about NOT finding out. This is special and I don't want to feel like I have to share it with the world. I don't want my baby's life planned out before s/he's even born and that's always what seems to happen.
I'm "showing" now. It's not all baby but I can't "suck in" anymore without some pretty rad discomfort so I'm rocking maternity clothes daily. I've gotten 20 outfits (shirts and pants) for $40 from people selling their clothes online. I'm pretty please with that!
I tried to start a registry online last night... Got as far as deciding on a crib, panicked and closed the window. I'm not ready and it's overwhelming, I think I need help with that.
I've been following the blogs, popping in on Twitter, checking on everyone as I go. It's been difficult. It's a weird stage I'm in. I have such strong emotions that it's hard not to get sucked into every one's sadness and fears. I'm trying to support where I can and protect myself and Nugget when necessary. I feel like I've probably alienated everyone already.
Anyway... that's my quick and dirty update for anyone who's still listening!
I'm so incredibly grateful for a lovely twitter friend that passed along her doppler to me. It has given me solace the last couple days.
My roommate cousin and her son will be moving out next weekend! I'm so relieved to finally have my house back. Something about being pregnant has made me very territorial.
My grandma had a mini stroke yesterday. She's a feisty woman though and it was very minor. She's hoping to be out of the hospital today.
Hubs and I are still in a disagreement over finding out the gender of the baby. I don't want to, he insists we HAVE to know. I don't know what he thinks people did 30+ years ago. How did they ever survive?? I don't think it's a compromise for him to know and attempt to keep it from me. I feel like he'll slip and then I'll be angry with him. I need to find a way to articulate how important this is for me. EVERYONE is already bugging me about what it's going to be... and I keep telling them, "it's going to be a baby, what else matters?" It's making me really dig my heels in about NOT finding out. This is special and I don't want to feel like I have to share it with the world. I don't want my baby's life planned out before s/he's even born and that's always what seems to happen.
I'm "showing" now. It's not all baby but I can't "suck in" anymore without some pretty rad discomfort so I'm rocking maternity clothes daily. I've gotten 20 outfits (shirts and pants) for $40 from people selling their clothes online. I'm pretty please with that!
I tried to start a registry online last night... Got as far as deciding on a crib, panicked and closed the window. I'm not ready and it's overwhelming, I think I need help with that.
I've been following the blogs, popping in on Twitter, checking on everyone as I go. It's been difficult. It's a weird stage I'm in. I have such strong emotions that it's hard not to get sucked into every one's sadness and fears. I'm trying to support where I can and protect myself and Nugget when necessary. I feel like I've probably alienated everyone already.
Anyway... that's my quick and dirty update for anyone who's still listening!
Monday, May 19, 2014
I'm officially "that" girl
I'm not going to lie.. I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me! You see I feel like an asshole, a fraud, a jerk. I'm that girl, the one that stopped tracking, temping, symptom spotting and ended up with her BFP. Don't ever tell anyone my story, I'm a fluke and it's not helpful.
See I didn't know how to break it to you. I mean some of you are my tweeple and found out on twitter because I panicked and posted the pic of my test, but it takes more than that to sit down and address it in a blog post. So here's the story of my second ever BFP, and the only pregnancy that's lasted more than a week.
Since we were supposed to start Clomid this next cycle, I had given up on this one. I wasn't tracking*, I didn't temp (seriously, my battery on the thermometer died and I was too lazy to get a replacement) we were just counting the days until CD1 so we could have a fresh start. I was prescribed Provera to force a period since my CD21 bloodwork said I didn't ovulate (jokes on you sucker.. it was like CD23 that I finally did) but I had a feeling I was about to start on my own (sore boobs, gassy, cranky, general AF stuff) so I was going to wait it out. I don't like taking meds if I don't have to, like I really despise it
5/14 -14dpo (based soley on my non-tracked symptoms) and AF wasn't here. I was getting impatient to start the cycle, figured I'd test, confirm my BFN, start my Provera and get on with it.
So there I was with a Sure Predict and some pee in a cup (not even first morning pee) and 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't cry I kind of laughed, then panicked. I waited a couple hours and took another test terrified it would be blank like before. But it wasn't. my FRER had two pink lines... and the test line was way darker than the control.
I called my dr on 5/15 to see what he wanted me to do. He wasn't in but the NP ordered a beta to confirm. I got those results on Friday 5/16... 1159!! Seemed high, maybe I O'd earlier than I though? We'll see. They aren't going to do a repeat blood draw because it's so high. I'm scheduled for a scan on Wednesday 5/21.
I'm nervous, I'm scared and I feel like a jerk.
There are so many of you that are still waiting, that have been in this fight much longer than I, that have lost so much more than we have. I feel for you, you deserve this. I can't explain how grateful I am for those that have been here, watching others get the one thing they so desperately want and deserve, supporting the new people coming in, cheering for those that get their miracle. You are all so freaking awesome.
I don't know where I'm going to take the blog from here. I feel like I haven't really been around long enough to have followers that really need my blog. I mean, if you really love me, let me know, and we can work something out. I'll probably do random updates so you know I'm alive. I'll try and keep the alien baby crap to a minimum and if you want to unfollow me, or never speak to me or give me a virtual punch in the incredibly sore boobs, I totally understand that too..
-h
*ok maybe a little tracking of CM and CP, but JUST around when I though I might be Oing
Sunday, May 11, 2014
It's Mother's Day...
and I'm home alone, sitting on my couch, watching Vampire Diaries and drinking vodka and lemonade.
It's actually the 2ww and I'm pretty sure 11/12dpo even though I'm not tracking. I just have a feeling and my boobs are super sore like the normally are in the 2nd half of the 2ww IF I ovulate.
I picked up my Clomid today. I thought maybe getting it in my possession on Mother's Day would be a good omen. Two awesome things happened. First, it was super cheap. I guess I was just expecting it to be more but it was under $20! Second, the pharmacist was awesome. She asked if I was TTC #1, I told her I was, she wished me good luck then told me "Happy Mother's Day, you already have a mother's heart."
I made it to my car before crying. I was genuinely touched by her words. Today can be rough so having people recognize that makes it a little more bearable!
Speaking of random recognition... Ok well not random, but unexpected. BOTH of my closest friends (N the uber fertile and H the child-free for now) AND my mother shared the lovely picture that Resolve.Org shared on their Facebook today. It was so heartwarming. PLUS my sister sent me a lovely text this morning as well. It was nice to know they were all thinking of me.
I'm not a fantastic wordsmith like some of you lovely ladies. I don't often speak eloquently or in ways that touch people to the core. It's been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways today but it's very true:
You become a mother the moment the seed is planted in your heart
Happy Mother's Day to all of us, booze it up if you can :)
It's actually the 2ww and I'm pretty sure 11/12dpo even though I'm not tracking. I just have a feeling and my boobs are super sore like the normally are in the 2nd half of the 2ww IF I ovulate.
I picked up my Clomid today. I thought maybe getting it in my possession on Mother's Day would be a good omen. Two awesome things happened. First, it was super cheap. I guess I was just expecting it to be more but it was under $20! Second, the pharmacist was awesome. She asked if I was TTC #1, I told her I was, she wished me good luck then told me "Happy Mother's Day, you already have a mother's heart."
I made it to my car before crying. I was genuinely touched by her words. Today can be rough so having people recognize that makes it a little more bearable!
Speaking of random recognition... Ok well not random, but unexpected. BOTH of my closest friends (N the uber fertile and H the child-free for now) AND my mother shared the lovely picture that Resolve.Org shared on their Facebook today. It was so heartwarming. PLUS my sister sent me a lovely text this morning as well. It was nice to know they were all thinking of me.
I'm not a fantastic wordsmith like some of you lovely ladies. I don't often speak eloquently or in ways that touch people to the core. It's been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways today but it's very true:
You become a mother the moment the seed is planted in your heart
Happy Mother's Day to all of us, booze it up if you can :)
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
JUST RELAX...
I haven't been able to fall asleep lately, even more so than usual. Part of it is stress about work, part of it is stress about IF and part of it is good TV... ok maybe not good tv.. but tv.
Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.
On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.
At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.
We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.
Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.
On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.
At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.
We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.
Monday, April 21, 2014
I've had the strangest dreams
The last few weeks have been full of the strangest dreams.
I've been having dreams about the guy I would consider my high school sweetheart. Though he wasn't the guy a dated the longest, he wasn't the guy I gave my virginity to, but he was always mine. I loved him the way only a 16 year old can love. And we broke up on very amicable terms. Neither of us were ready to "settle" down. We continued with a loose friendship and even hooked up a couple times over the years.
I won't lie, when I found out he and his girlfriend were expecting (just a couple months after we had hooked up when both of us were on a "break" from our respective significant others), I was heart broken. After all, that could have been me.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for the world (well maybe for a baby, but... well we all feel like that sometimes). But this guy was my "perfect on paper" guy.
Perfect on Paper.. what does that mean. Well he had everything I thought I wanted in a relationship. He fit all the criteria we put together for ourselves when we start thinking about who we'll spend the rest of our lives with. He checked off every single box, the timing was just off.
Either way, his son now plays on my soccer team so I see him, his girl friend and their son twice a week... and that's probably why I'm dreaming about him. These aren't sex dreams so don't go getting all Fifty Shades of Grey on me.. They are more.... romantical? (That's totally a word BTW, promise). It's rather unnerving though.
And last night I had a baby dream. This one was really strange. I walked in to the hospital and the Dr told me it was a girl. Obviously we had used a surrogate since I was just now showing up... obviously not pregnant. Then when I picked her up, she had this thick dark red hair (Hubs and I have brown hair). I remember showing her to him saying , "I'm sorry she has red hair, JK was the only one" (JK is another friends hubby... apparently he was the donor?) Oh and my baby could talk to me with her mind... so that was fun. I asked her about names, we settled on Norah (I know it's not usually spelled with an "h" but in my dream it totally was) We took her straight home from the hospital right then. I remember sending hubs to the store to get a car seat, why we didn't have one yet, I'll never know. And then we buckled her in the van (seriously brain, what part of you thinks I'll ever buy a van) and drove off. She was big, like 3 months old, and so very beautiful. Then I woke up.
Honestly, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to fall back asleep and hold that beautiful little girl some more. I wanted to listen to her speak to me, I wanted to have her.
I've been having dreams about the guy I would consider my high school sweetheart. Though he wasn't the guy a dated the longest, he wasn't the guy I gave my virginity to, but he was always mine. I loved him the way only a 16 year old can love. And we broke up on very amicable terms. Neither of us were ready to "settle" down. We continued with a loose friendship and even hooked up a couple times over the years.
I won't lie, when I found out he and his girlfriend were expecting (just a couple months after we had hooked up when both of us were on a "break" from our respective significant others), I was heart broken. After all, that could have been me.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for the world (well maybe for a baby, but... well we all feel like that sometimes). But this guy was my "perfect on paper" guy.
Perfect on Paper.. what does that mean. Well he had everything I thought I wanted in a relationship. He fit all the criteria we put together for ourselves when we start thinking about who we'll spend the rest of our lives with. He checked off every single box, the timing was just off.
Either way, his son now plays on my soccer team so I see him, his girl friend and their son twice a week... and that's probably why I'm dreaming about him. These aren't sex dreams so don't go getting all Fifty Shades of Grey on me.. They are more.... romantical? (That's totally a word BTW, promise). It's rather unnerving though.
And last night I had a baby dream. This one was really strange. I walked in to the hospital and the Dr told me it was a girl. Obviously we had used a surrogate since I was just now showing up... obviously not pregnant. Then when I picked her up, she had this thick dark red hair (Hubs and I have brown hair). I remember showing her to him saying , "I'm sorry she has red hair, JK was the only one" (JK is another friends hubby... apparently he was the donor?) Oh and my baby could talk to me with her mind... so that was fun. I asked her about names, we settled on Norah (I know it's not usually spelled with an "h" but in my dream it totally was) We took her straight home from the hospital right then. I remember sending hubs to the store to get a car seat, why we didn't have one yet, I'll never know. And then we buckled her in the van (seriously brain, what part of you thinks I'll ever buy a van) and drove off. She was big, like 3 months old, and so very beautiful. Then I woke up.
Honestly, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to fall back asleep and hold that beautiful little girl some more. I wanted to listen to her speak to me, I wanted to have her.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
New beginnings
It really sounds much more pleasant than it is. A new beginning in my world means violent mood swings, random bouts of tears, zits on my chin, feeling like my uterus is in a vice, and something that rivals a B horror film when I go to the bathroom...
That's right ladies, CD1 is upon us. I'm not really THAT sad about it. I'm actually ok since tomorrow is the "How the fuck are we going to make me a baby" appointment and I figure that starting fresh will mean that any testing that needs done can just get done that much sooner. I did realize that this cycle was my last chance to birth a child in 2014. That's weird to think about.
That's right ladies, CD1 is upon us. I'm not really THAT sad about it. I'm actually ok since tomorrow is the "How the fuck are we going to make me a baby" appointment and I figure that starting fresh will mean that any testing that needs done can just get done that much sooner. I did realize that this cycle was my last chance to birth a child in 2014. That's weird to think about.
- 2015, year of the sheep... Guess that kid's getting off easier than me (year of the rat).
- This kid will graduate high school in/around 2033 (are you reading this?!?!?!)
- My grandparents will likely not live to see this child graduate high school (If grandpa makes it to 99 though, I'll be THRILLED)
- These are the things this kid will wear to "retro" parties
It's a strange thing, time. It doesn't wait for us at all but we count on it so much.
Here's to a whole shit ton of 2015, year of the sheep babies for all of us!
Monday, March 24, 2014
I had a helluva weekend
First off thank you to everyone who commented and tweeted me during my breakdowns on Friday, your support means the world to me because I know that these feelings are not abnormal! It's hard to find people in your "real" life who understand the complex emotions that go with this struggle and to have that through my online presence is huge.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
I mean seriously.. how cute are they?
We talked a little more about all the options we may be faced with coming up. He seems more open now that he understands but is still ok with being child-free if that's what happens. I guess that's ok, I mean if he's already open to the possibility, I don't have to worry about letting him down.
Speaking of all thinks baby-making. Today is CD19 and my temps are all over the place. I haven't ovulated yet but I'm having all the "fertile time" symptoms. We'll continue doing the deed as often as we can in hopes that we catch the egg but frankly, I don't have high hopes for this cycle.
I'm really interested to meet with my Dr and see what he thinks the cause of my late/non-existent ovulation stems from. I'm kind of torn on this subject as well. Part of me wants to really look into the CAUSE of this and part of me just wants to fix the symptoms (and get pregnant). I know that if we detirmine the root cause, I could most likely get pregnant without ART (provided it's something "fixable" like hormones) BUT the other part of me says "Why the fuck are you wasting your precious time, just artificially make your body do what it's supposed to and put a baby in me now before I cause more havoc"
-h
P.S. I found my nose ring between the bedframe and the wall. That made me happy too :)
Friday, March 21, 2014
Fuck this day
I'm having an awful day.. and it started last night. I've got all the signs that I'm getting close to Oing.. will I or won't I is the question but hubs has been stressed and is having trouble... ahem... performing. Well that's not entirely true. The performance is great, it's the finale that never comes. (pun totally intended)
And let's get serious.. when you have fertile CM, a high open cervix... that's the only part that matters!! I try not to let my disappointment show, I don't want to hurt his feelings but it's very difficult. The window is so small and there are already odds stacked against us and that's even before you account for the fact that I may or may not even end up ovulating. I'm not mad or upset with HIM, just with the situation in general. This, of course, started a heated discussion.
I'm upset that I don't feel like he's vested in this. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, how much work it is. How scary it is. Even when I tell him he's so blase about the whole thing. He told me last night that he's "fine with having a kid and fine if we don't". That really caught me off guard. I tried to explain that child-free is forever, like we can't change our minds in 10 years and just have a baby. He said he understands that, but to me, where I am right now, that's unfathomable. (please note, I intend absolutely NO disrespect to those who have chosen to live child free, regardless of what lead them to that choice, it's just not for me at this point)
I talked about my next steps, going to the Dr in a couple weeks, most likely moving to Clomid (or Femara) and what that would entail. I explained that it would be devastating to me if we spent the money/time on a medicated cycle and then he couldn't "do his part". Honestly, I felt awful telling him that, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest. That is the truth. I don't want to take medicines, be monitored, possibly have to take more meds to trigger and then he not pull his weight in the process. Does that make me an awful person, maybe. But we've all thought it.
I explained to him that there is a limited number of cycles we can do like that, and that IUI would most likely be the next step. He didn't know what it was so I explained... you play happy time into a cup, they put it in me with a turkey baster (ok, it's a lot more medical than that but you get the gist). He said "I don't want to do that, that's weird" I started crying. He said "Of course I'll probably do it because that's what you want" I cried harder.
Hubs has never been an emotional guy, he's not a feelings talker but is it so hard for you to just SAY that WE want it? Because then my brain spirals into all the "what if he doesn't want this" "Am I forcing him to do something he doesn't want?" "what if it does work and he hates me forever?" (Brains are great at hyperbole) He was reassuring that if he didn't want to do this, we wouldn't even be talking about it, but that doesn't really help.
He said IVF is off the table. We won't go in to debt on the gamble of having a child (which by nature would just cost us more money) I'm heartbroken. I know there is a ways to go before we have to make that decision, but to hear him put it so bluntly is gut wrenching. I hope that he'll change his mind.
This is getting much longer than intended. So if you've made it this far, congrats and thank you. I'm off to go sit in my car and cry some more so my co-workers don't think I'm insane. I need to get that goldfish bowl
And let's get serious.. when you have fertile CM, a high open cervix... that's the only part that matters!! I try not to let my disappointment show, I don't want to hurt his feelings but it's very difficult. The window is so small and there are already odds stacked against us and that's even before you account for the fact that I may or may not even end up ovulating. I'm not mad or upset with HIM, just with the situation in general. This, of course, started a heated discussion.
I'm upset that I don't feel like he's vested in this. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, how much work it is. How scary it is. Even when I tell him he's so blase about the whole thing. He told me last night that he's "fine with having a kid and fine if we don't". That really caught me off guard. I tried to explain that child-free is forever, like we can't change our minds in 10 years and just have a baby. He said he understands that, but to me, where I am right now, that's unfathomable. (please note, I intend absolutely NO disrespect to those who have chosen to live child free, regardless of what lead them to that choice, it's just not for me at this point)
I talked about my next steps, going to the Dr in a couple weeks, most likely moving to Clomid (or Femara) and what that would entail. I explained that it would be devastating to me if we spent the money/time on a medicated cycle and then he couldn't "do his part". Honestly, I felt awful telling him that, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest. That is the truth. I don't want to take medicines, be monitored, possibly have to take more meds to trigger and then he not pull his weight in the process. Does that make me an awful person, maybe. But we've all thought it.
I explained to him that there is a limited number of cycles we can do like that, and that IUI would most likely be the next step. He didn't know what it was so I explained... you play happy time into a cup, they put it in me with a turkey baster (ok, it's a lot more medical than that but you get the gist). He said "I don't want to do that, that's weird" I started crying. He said "Of course I'll probably do it because that's what you want" I cried harder.
Hubs has never been an emotional guy, he's not a feelings talker but is it so hard for you to just SAY that WE want it? Because then my brain spirals into all the "what if he doesn't want this" "Am I forcing him to do something he doesn't want?" "what if it does work and he hates me forever?" (Brains are great at hyperbole) He was reassuring that if he didn't want to do this, we wouldn't even be talking about it, but that doesn't really help.
He said IVF is off the table. We won't go in to debt on the gamble of having a child (which by nature would just cost us more money) I'm heartbroken. I know there is a ways to go before we have to make that decision, but to hear him put it so bluntly is gut wrenching. I hope that he'll change his mind.
This is getting much longer than intended. So if you've made it this far, congrats and thank you. I'm off to go sit in my car and cry some more so my co-workers don't think I'm insane. I need to get that goldfish bowl
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
You can always adopt
How many times do we hear this phrase? How many people offer up this option as if it wasn't in the back of our minds the whole time? Do they think we're stupid? Like we have never heard of adoption?
One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?
I'm conflicted
Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.
I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.
Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?
I'm not sure, I don't know
There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.
One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?
I'm conflicted
Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.
I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.
Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?
I'm not sure, I don't know
There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
She's here... I mean I think so
So my temps plummeted dramatically yesterday and I had some spotting in the afternoon, not a whole lot overnight (like barely anything) I'm marking today as CD1 but I'm starting to wonder if my light (2-3 days max) periods could have something to do with my lining not getting thick enough?
This whole journey has been a testament to how much I didn't know about my body, how it worked, what it did. I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous of those who get to run around blissfully unaware of what it takes but at the same time, I'm loving the education I'm getting!!
I'm cranky today. I mean snapped at my husband for giving me a kiss good morning cranky. Almost kicked the dog for being in my way cranky. Don't come to my desk or I will stab you with a pencil cranky.
I need wine and a nap!
This whole journey has been a testament to how much I didn't know about my body, how it worked, what it did. I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous of those who get to run around blissfully unaware of what it takes but at the same time, I'm loving the education I'm getting!!
I'm cranky today. I mean snapped at my husband for giving me a kiss good morning cranky. Almost kicked the dog for being in my way cranky. Don't come to my desk or I will stab you with a pencil cranky.
I need wine and a nap!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Broke down and bought a FRER yesterday..
With every intention of taking one this morning, 14dpo. But my temps dropped like a rock and I couldn't bring myself to waste it. I'm surprisingly ok mentally right now. But AF still hasn't started so I guess there is still that little niggle of hope in the back of my mind.
I felt like a total asshole yesterday. Like biggest asshole on the planet. I have an old friend that lives out of state. She and I were really close for quite awhile but as our lives changed and it wasn't as easy to just up and go visit ever six months, we grew apart.
Well she got married a couple years ago... to a guy she had been dating for like 6 months. She called and invited me to be a bridesmaid and I accepted, but as we started pricing things, it became clear I wasn't going to be able to afford the trip. I was getting married 2 month before that and even though we didn't have a big wedding, it still wasn't cheap. My cost of going to her wedding: the dress, the shoes, the flight, the hotel room, the rental car, etc was going to be just under $1500. And right after my wedding... I just wasn't going to be able to do it. So I called her and backed out. She said she was fine, she had a back-up. It was plenty of time in advance for another bridesmaid to step in, No biggie. But after that phone call... we didn't talk anymore. I texted her on her wedding day to wish her congrats and good luck. She replied a quick "Thanks, call you later" but that call never came. I texted her again on her birthday, got a thanks again.
Fast forward to August... I get a text of a sonogram... "We're not making it public yet but we're pregnant!"
Due a month after her birthday, so exciting, we just started trying it it happened so fast. Blah Blah Blah. I was happy she was excited but let's face it, she's always jumped into these not so great relationships because she WANTS TO BE MARRIED.. that was her life goal. The whole time she was pursuing her MASTERS, all she could talk about was how she just needed a boyfriend so she could get married. Now I get wanting to be with someone, wanting to find the love of your life. But this is the kind of girl who tried to force square pegs in a round hole in her last 3 relationships. So I was a little skeptical... and I've never met the guy, my fault, I know but whatever.
So I was a little bitter, and then I got the October text "It's a girl" YAY was my reply... radio silence after that. I'm not going to lie, I had to hide her on facebook. I couldn't take all the posts about all these things she was buying for her baby and how the room was coming and all that shit. I just couldn't do it. So I hid her and just checked her page on good days, when I could handle it.
Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking to one of my bf's (the other childless ((by choice for now)) one) about how it was so unfair. Here we have my situation long relationship, trying so hard.. no baby and here is the relationship trainwreck that is our friend and she's 5 weeks away from getting her healthy baby... UGH why is the universe so unfair?? Bitch, Bitch, Moan Moan.. the whole way to work...
Then I get a text. Friend is having complications and they are going in for an emergency C-section. (mind you, this is not from friend but someone who saw it on friend's brothers FACEBOOK).
Great... Now I put it out there and the poor baby is going to come early because I'm a bitter, ugly on the inside, horrible person... Thanks universe... guess that will show me.
Baby was born 5 weeks early. 4lbs 9oz, she's looks great, pink and screaming. Mom is good... All is well. She's having trouble latching but I think that's common for premeies.. Either way, I'm an asshole.
I felt like a total asshole yesterday. Like biggest asshole on the planet. I have an old friend that lives out of state. She and I were really close for quite awhile but as our lives changed and it wasn't as easy to just up and go visit ever six months, we grew apart.
Well she got married a couple years ago... to a guy she had been dating for like 6 months. She called and invited me to be a bridesmaid and I accepted, but as we started pricing things, it became clear I wasn't going to be able to afford the trip. I was getting married 2 month before that and even though we didn't have a big wedding, it still wasn't cheap. My cost of going to her wedding: the dress, the shoes, the flight, the hotel room, the rental car, etc was going to be just under $1500. And right after my wedding... I just wasn't going to be able to do it. So I called her and backed out. She said she was fine, she had a back-up. It was plenty of time in advance for another bridesmaid to step in, No biggie. But after that phone call... we didn't talk anymore. I texted her on her wedding day to wish her congrats and good luck. She replied a quick "Thanks, call you later" but that call never came. I texted her again on her birthday, got a thanks again.
Fast forward to August... I get a text of a sonogram... "We're not making it public yet but we're pregnant!"
Due a month after her birthday, so exciting, we just started trying it it happened so fast. Blah Blah Blah. I was happy she was excited but let's face it, she's always jumped into these not so great relationships because she WANTS TO BE MARRIED.. that was her life goal. The whole time she was pursuing her MASTERS, all she could talk about was how she just needed a boyfriend so she could get married. Now I get wanting to be with someone, wanting to find the love of your life. But this is the kind of girl who tried to force square pegs in a round hole in her last 3 relationships. So I was a little skeptical... and I've never met the guy, my fault, I know but whatever.
So I was a little bitter, and then I got the October text "It's a girl" YAY was my reply... radio silence after that. I'm not going to lie, I had to hide her on facebook. I couldn't take all the posts about all these things she was buying for her baby and how the room was coming and all that shit. I just couldn't do it. So I hid her and just checked her page on good days, when I could handle it.
Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking to one of my bf's (the other childless ((by choice for now)) one) about how it was so unfair. Here we have my situation long relationship, trying so hard.. no baby and here is the relationship trainwreck that is our friend and she's 5 weeks away from getting her healthy baby... UGH why is the universe so unfair?? Bitch, Bitch, Moan Moan.. the whole way to work...
Then I get a text. Friend is having complications and they are going in for an emergency C-section. (mind you, this is not from friend but someone who saw it on friend's brothers FACEBOOK).
Great... Now I put it out there and the poor baby is going to come early because I'm a bitter, ugly on the inside, horrible person... Thanks universe... guess that will show me.
Baby was born 5 weeks early. 4lbs 9oz, she's looks great, pink and screaming. Mom is good... All is well. She's having trouble latching but I think that's common for premeies.. Either way, I'm an asshole.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Why do we do it?
Why do we stress, and symptom stalk, and test early (and often)? Why do we push ourselves to know RIGHT NOW? Why can't we just wait until that lovely time of the month doesn't come and pee on a stick to see two beautiful lines and blissfully waltz into pregnancy?
Instead we have to hit the internet every time something feels "off". Watery CM? Better check the internet. Pain in the side of boobs? Better check the internet. If you are anything like me your search history probably looks like:
Instead we have to hit the internet every time something feels "off". Watery CM? Better check the internet. Pain in the side of boobs? Better check the internet. If you are anything like me your search history probably looks like:
- 10dpo watery cm BFP
- dizziness sign of early pregnancy
- how early BFP
- CD35 ovulation BFP
- TWW symptoms 11dpo
- blah blah blah blah blah
I mean my best friend didn't even understand what a Two Week Wait WAS!!! She just knew, when I'm late, I test. No freaking out on the message boards, No taking multiple tests before it's due, posting the pictures and begging for someone (anyone) to confirm they see a shadow of a line (that I almost NEVER see) on your HPT taken on 8dpo. You see the lucky ones. Posting their progression pics. Little strips laid out on the counter, perfectly labeled with the day past ovulation (sometimes with the date and time seriously, how to they write so small and neatly?) that second line getting darker and darker each test. I know girls that took one in the WAL-MART bathroom, got their glaring pink line within seconds and tossed it (maybe taking a picture for documentation). Those girls never got "line-eye" They just peed, got a result and moved on. I wish I could be that girl.
I'm not, I couldn't be that patient. It was 9/10dpo (FF is confused depending on the "mode" it's in) so I tested.
Stark white internet cheapie. Not even a hint of a line. I should have just waited. I keep telling myself I'll wait and I don't. I'm a sucker and I fucking hate it!
If you care to symptom stalk with me here's what I've got: watery (I mean gushing) CM and congestion. That's it, boob pain went away today. Temps are still up so there's some hope I guess.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Why is my face always wet?
I've always been emotional, I got made fun of for it all the time when I was younger so I learned to toughen up but lately, I've been an emotional wreck! And this is BEFORE we start meds.. When we do start I'd like to set up a schedule of callers to check on the health and well being of N because I don't know if he'll make it!
I'm crying constantly, over the silliest stuff. I cried during a coco butter commercial. What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with me? My dog is staring at me like I'm an alien. The worst part? It's not even real crying, it's just like my eyes start watering until they are overflowing down my face. No sobbing, no ugly cry face (trust me, I checked) just a river of tears dripping off my chin.
Friday night, we went to get a present for my best friend's daughter. My husband found me standing in the middle of an aisle, tears on high, all because I saw the cutest onesie. (He bought me battleship and got me drunk to "fix" it) And Sunday, I almost made it through the whole 4th birthday party without crying... But then they lined up all the kids for a picture and between 3 of my friends there were 7 little ones. I was the only non-parent there. I had to leave.
My bf is totally understanding and doesn't take it personal, she knows I love her and her little brood but when I snuggle up with her youngest I'm reminded of the "chemical pregnancy" I had when she found out she was expecting him. We always planned to be pregnant together, raise our kids together but he's her 3rd and final one.. We won't be able to share that and I grieve.
I'm on cycle day 14 and my handy dandy app so very helpfully is saying I'll O sometime between tomorrow and Valentines day.. I swear that window couldn't be any longer! Oh and I started a new job so I'm meeting all new people and the first round of questions always includes "have any kids?" I've held it together so far though so that's a good sign.
P.S. All you working ladies.. Do you manage to take an OPK at work so you hit that 2-230 window or just piss on the stick when you get home? I don't want to miss my surge but I also don't want to be seen carrying a cup into the bathroom and then hanging out in there for 5 mins...
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