I'm officially "that" girl

I'm not going to lie.. I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me! You see I feel like an asshole, a fraud, a jerk. I'm that girl, the one that stopped tracking, temping, symptom spotting and ended up with her BFP. Don't ever tell anyone my story, I'm a fluke and it's not helpful. 

See I didn't know how to break it to you. I mean some of you are my tweeple and found out on twitter because I panicked and posted the pic of my test, but it takes more than that to sit down and address it in a blog post. So here's the story of my second ever BFP, and the only pregnancy that's lasted more than a week.

Since we were supposed to start Clomid this next cycle, I had given up on this one. I wasn't tracking*, I didn't temp (seriously, my battery on the thermometer died and I was too lazy to get a replacement) we were just counting the days until CD1 so we could have a fresh start. I was prescribed Provera to force a period since my CD21 bloodwork said I didn't ovulate (jokes on you sucker.. it was like CD23 that I finally did) but I had a feeling I was about to start on my own (sore boobs, gassy, cranky, general AF stuff) so I was going to wait it out. I don't like taking meds if I don't have to, like I really despise it

5/14 -14dpo (based soley on my non-tracked symptoms) and AF wasn't here. I was getting impatient to start the cycle, figured I'd test, confirm my BFN, start my Provera and get on with it. 

So there I was with a Sure Predict and some pee in a cup (not even first morning pee) and 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't cry I kind of laughed, then panicked. I waited a couple hours and took another test terrified it would be blank like before. But it wasn't. my FRER had two pink lines... and the test line was way darker than the control. 

I called my dr on 5/15 to see what he wanted me to do. He wasn't in but the NP ordered a beta to confirm. I got those results on Friday 5/16... 1159!! Seemed high, maybe I O'd earlier than I though? We'll see. They aren't going to do a repeat blood draw because it's so high. I'm scheduled for a scan on Wednesday 5/21. 

I'm nervous, I'm scared and I feel like a jerk. 

There are so many of you that are still waiting, that have been in this fight much longer than I, that have lost so much more than we have. I feel for you, you deserve this. I can't explain how grateful I am for those that have been here, watching others get the one thing they so desperately want and deserve, supporting the new people coming in, cheering for those that get their miracle. You are all so freaking awesome. 

I don't know where I'm going to take the blog from here. I feel like I haven't really been around long enough to have followers that really need my blog. I mean, if you really love me, let me know, and we can work something out. I'll probably do random updates so you know I'm alive. I'll try and keep the alien baby crap to a minimum and if you want to unfollow me, or never speak to me or give me a virtual punch in the incredibly sore boobs, I totally understand that too..

-h

*ok maybe a little tracking of CM and CP, but JUST around when I though I might be Oing

Mourning for what never was

If I hadn't have had that chemical pregnancy, I would have an almost 5 month old today. It's mind boggling to think about.

My best friend was pregnant, with her 3rd. She was not exactly happy about it, she had always said "Two hands, two kids" so when she found out she was pregnant she was happy, and sad at the same time. She called me knowing that as logical and pragmatic as I am, she could vent her frustrations without judgement. And I didn't judge her. Her ability to get pregnant easily, and on accident no less, has no bearing on my current struggles. Even though I already "knew" it was not going to be so easy for me, I couldn't blame that on her.

So we talked for an hour on my way home from work and I'll never forget the stoplight I was at where I brought up that my cycle had been screwed up again, my "period 3 weeks earlier lasted for just 1.5 days. She gushed, "Maybe you're pregnant!!! We could be pregnant together and it wouldn't be so awful." So that's how she talked me in to taking a test, at 8pm, on January 31st. I don't know why I chose the digital first, maybe it's because I got a bunch of them on clearance and I knew it would just TELL me, no guess work.

So I pee'd, I waited and there it was...

(Don't mind the pee splatters on it)

I called my bf immediately, (N was at a concert with friends, I hadn't exactly expected this to be positive) and asked "what are the odds of a false positive.. on a digital! She screamed, I screamed, we were excited! I couldn't wait to tell N (even though we weren't officially trying yet), I was worried about telling my other bf that I would have to miss her wedding in HAWAII. But I was PREGNANT, I was happy! So I downed a bunch of water and peed on a cheapie.. it was negative. We decided that's because I drank too much and diluted my pee. So I went to the store and bought 2 other brands of digi's to use the next morning.

I picked up N from his concert (may I add how incredibly drunk he was?) and I showed him the picture of the positive and the negative and said "We MIGHT be pregnant" He cried. I was kind of surprised at his reaction. (If you ask him today, he'll deny that completely)

So the next morning, I took a test, it was negative. I started to panic, I called my Dr. and they said to wait until Sunday and test again, give my hormones time to increase. This wasn't the answer I wanted!! Internet to the rescue!!!! I found some stories that showed me hope, the different brands have different sensitivities, it might be too soon... etc. I found other stories that weren't so bright, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages.. I was torn, I was worried, and all I could do was wait.

Sunday morning came and so did another negative. So there they were, my hopes and dreams all laid out on the bathroom counter

Monday morning rolled around and I called my Dr again. They wanted me to come in for bloodwork (I think more to calm me than anything). It was confirmed, I caught the tail end of a chemical pregnancy.

I was devastated. I had been pregnant, and not even known. If she hadn't convinced me to take that test, I would have never known. If I would have waited until the next morning, I wouldn't have known. 

But I did know. 

I knew and it hurt. 

Pretty sure I'm out...

Still symptomless.. Peed on a stick this morning.. Negative. I know it's not over til it's over... Now I guess I wait for my favorite friend to show up. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I figured this would happen.