13weeks? Already?

I'm officially 13 weeks today and still feeling fairly awesome! Besides the tiredness... and the waking up at 3am to eat and then not go back to bed, that part kind of sucks.

I'm taking a break from Twitter for awhile. It was getting overwhelming and I can't seem to keep my feelings in check so hubs strongly suggested that it might be best to take a little break and try and focus on me and Nugget for awhile. I don't think it's a bad idea but it's weird.

Things have been really great lately. I think the roommate has a plan to be out by mid-August which is a month before the deadline I gave her. She's been keeping more out of our hair as well so that's been good.

I did have a little work breakdown on Friday, apparently someone said I'd been "complaining" too much. Well here's the thing, it's my job to make sure shit gets done and when you don't do your part and I have to chase you for weeks, OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO SEEM LIKE I'M COMPLAINING. So now I'm trying to be so sweet it makes your teeth hurt to all these jackasses and take every single grievance to my boss so he can be the asshole for awhile.

I finally came out to my co-workers at our agency (they're in another location... state, timezone!!) that I'm pregnant and will be taking maternity leave. The one person I spoke with directly (I chickened out and emailed the rest) was so excited but also so nervous. Apparently I'm the example of my position that "no one worries about" so he's concerned about who will cover me and how they'll interact. I get it, it makes me nervous too!!

So now I'm totally out. To work, to my family, to Facebook, to the world. It is starting to feel a little more real. Especially now that I'm starting to get a little bump that isn't bloat!!

So that's my update. Hope all is well. I've been stalking from afar so if you haven't updated your blog, here's your friendly reminder!!!

I'm officially "that" girl

I'm not going to lie.. I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me! You see I feel like an asshole, a fraud, a jerk. I'm that girl, the one that stopped tracking, temping, symptom spotting and ended up with her BFP. Don't ever tell anyone my story, I'm a fluke and it's not helpful. 

See I didn't know how to break it to you. I mean some of you are my tweeple and found out on twitter because I panicked and posted the pic of my test, but it takes more than that to sit down and address it in a blog post. So here's the story of my second ever BFP, and the only pregnancy that's lasted more than a week.

Since we were supposed to start Clomid this next cycle, I had given up on this one. I wasn't tracking*, I didn't temp (seriously, my battery on the thermometer died and I was too lazy to get a replacement) we were just counting the days until CD1 so we could have a fresh start. I was prescribed Provera to force a period since my CD21 bloodwork said I didn't ovulate (jokes on you sucker.. it was like CD23 that I finally did) but I had a feeling I was about to start on my own (sore boobs, gassy, cranky, general AF stuff) so I was going to wait it out. I don't like taking meds if I don't have to, like I really despise it

5/14 -14dpo (based soley on my non-tracked symptoms) and AF wasn't here. I was getting impatient to start the cycle, figured I'd test, confirm my BFN, start my Provera and get on with it. 

So there I was with a Sure Predict and some pee in a cup (not even first morning pee) and 2 pink lines. I was in shock. I didn't cry I kind of laughed, then panicked. I waited a couple hours and took another test terrified it would be blank like before. But it wasn't. my FRER had two pink lines... and the test line was way darker than the control. 

I called my dr on 5/15 to see what he wanted me to do. He wasn't in but the NP ordered a beta to confirm. I got those results on Friday 5/16... 1159!! Seemed high, maybe I O'd earlier than I though? We'll see. They aren't going to do a repeat blood draw because it's so high. I'm scheduled for a scan on Wednesday 5/21. 

I'm nervous, I'm scared and I feel like a jerk. 

There are so many of you that are still waiting, that have been in this fight much longer than I, that have lost so much more than we have. I feel for you, you deserve this. I can't explain how grateful I am for those that have been here, watching others get the one thing they so desperately want and deserve, supporting the new people coming in, cheering for those that get their miracle. You are all so freaking awesome. 

I don't know where I'm going to take the blog from here. I feel like I haven't really been around long enough to have followers that really need my blog. I mean, if you really love me, let me know, and we can work something out. I'll probably do random updates so you know I'm alive. I'll try and keep the alien baby crap to a minimum and if you want to unfollow me, or never speak to me or give me a virtual punch in the incredibly sore boobs, I totally understand that too..

-h

*ok maybe a little tracking of CM and CP, but JUST around when I though I might be Oing

The pitter patter of little feet will soon grace my house! (It's not what you think)

But it won't be a baby, and it won't be mine. It will be my almost 5 year old third cousin once removed.. or something like that.

My family dynamics are interesting. I'm really close with my cousins on my dad's side and I'm also close with the extended cousins as well. So, let's see if I can explain this is the least confusing way possible. S's grandmother and my grandmother are sisters. She had a pretty rough go with her marriage and after the divorce she and her son moved in with her Grandma. Her crazy ass uncle lives there too... we call him Druncle because he's a raging alcoholic. Anyway, that situation hasn't been great but as a single mom with a serving job, it was what she dealt with. A couple nights ago Druncle pushed her, she called the cops and pressed charges.

She called me, we have room, she and her son are moving in this weekend. Simple as that. It will be a little cramped until we get the basement finished but we'll make it work.

So yeah, that's it for now. Tomorrow is the Infertility Conference so I'm sure I'll have a TON of stuff to talk about then :)

-h

Meal planning, prepping and weightloss

When I started my weightloss challenge (you can read a little about that here) I learned a lot about meal planning. We started out small, cutting out the bad, adding in the good, first went the soda and tea (which I can only drink with about 1lb of sugar in it) and I started drinking exclusively water. That was difficult for me, I didn't really like water. I craved the sweet stuff. So I used Mio to flavor the water and slowly weaned myself off of that. Drinking 3L of water or more became easy for me.

Next were foods: I cut out my massive amounts of carbs. I'm not a pasta eater but potatoes... I'll eat them just about any way you can make them. Breads were cakes, donuts, muffins, chips etc. I was taking in a massive amount of carbs and not nearly enough proteins. I started tracking my foods using MyFitnessPal and learned where I needed to make my changes. I started prepping my meals. Making most of my foods on Sunday for the week. I had smoothies for breakfast, chicken and veggies for lunch, healthy snacks, fish and veggies for dinner, etc. I lost 30 lbs with no real nutritional coaching. Then I hit a wall. I've been stuck.

So I paid for a nutrition consult with one of the trainers at one of my gyms (yeah, one of them... I have rotating memberships at 4, I'm insane) and we sat down and went through my meals day by day. We took my body fat, my goal size (not weight, I don't have a goal weight) and he put together a carb cycled plan for me. Not a "you eat this, this and this" plan but a "you need this much protein, this many carbs and this many fats each day" plan.

Turns out, I was not eating enough fat!! Funny how that works. I also learned I'm potassium deficient (I used to swell like a tick after ingesting too much sodium, potassium naturally counteracts that) so he gave me a recipe for a drink mixture (coconut water, a couple juices and water) to help me get in more potassium and fixed my swelling without cutting out the sodium my body NEEDED.

I stuck to his plan for 10 days straight, no deviation and lost about a pound A DAY! And then we went to Hawaii and that went right out the window. I gained back what I had lost, BUT I managed to sustain right where I was. So I know how to maintain, and I know what I need to do to lose, I just need to DO IT.

I spent like 4 hours the other night planning my meals for the next week. Then I spent about $120 at the grocery store yesterday getting supplies (for me and hubs, same meals, different proportions) and today I spent about 4 hours cooking meals for today, tomorrow and Tuesday and Wed. I'll make the rest of the weeks food on Wednesday. I'm using real recipes, not just plain baked chicken and steamed veggies. I was getting burnt out on the same stuff after 8 months of it.

So, let's see how this goes!

-h

Diary day.. 1/27

I started a new job today and since I was so focused on getting up, getting ready and making it out the door on time, I forgot to temp. Now I'm pissed at myself. It's cycle day 13 which means it can be any day now. So I'm peeing in cups trying to track my ovulation haven't gotten a positive there but I forgot that yesterday too!!

I'm so worried I'm going to miss it I'm doing everything short of pinning my hubs down to force intercourse every night. Oh, and I just read infertility blogs for 4 hours straight. Please, don't get so invested in my story that you sacrifice sleep, I'm really not that interesting.

-h

Diary 1/9

Another day, another negative test. I feel like I should be pregnant by now. I know it's not fully rational, it's only been 2 cycles and even then I'm not sure if i even ovulated either time. I mean, technically, I guess I'm still in my second cycle. It's been 28 days since my last period. So if I wasn't broken.. If i was normal, I should be starting today.

But instead I lay here, an emotional wreck with boobs that feel twice the weight as normal. WTF mother nature, you are cruel enough to make us bleed for a week when not pregnant AND to top it off you make PMS symptoms and pregnancy symptoms the SAME?!? YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. I really had myself psyched out this time.. I wish I could stop that. DH, actually, fuck that. I'm not using all the damn secret code letters, we're Fucking grown ups. My husband thinks I'm insane to worry so much, but I've known for years something was wrong.. I just didn't know what.

Diary 1/6

Today is a rough day. I'm feeling very discouraged and sad. It's our 2nd cycle of trying to make you and I don't think it happened, again. I try not to stress about it, but it's so incredibly hard because I want you so bad.

I want to watch my belly swell to grow you, I want to kiss your perfect toes and smell your sweet little head. I want to love you, and in some ways, I already do. I love the idea of you so much that I lay awake for hours when I shouldn't, wondering what you will look like.

Will you have your daddy's lips and long eyelashes? Will you have my long fingers and straight nose? Will your eyes be brown or green? I wonder if you will be a boy or girl, what will we name you, what color will we paint your room, which car seat will we strap in the back of the car?

You'll learn one day how much I pined for you, how I tried day after day to will you into existence. How every strange feeling, every sore breast, stray pimple, gassy night or stomach twinge had my hopes soaring. You'll never know though, how devastated I was each time I missed the boat. How I charted and obsessed over temps and mucuses and positions of certain body parts. How I dreaded needing help to get you here, long before I knew I wanted you. How I knew something was wrong, that I was broken that I might not be able to do the one thing I was supposed to do. You won't hear my stories of crying to sleep or getting depressed and having nowhere to turn. There are 3 types of women in the "mommy" world: those that do it easily, those who have struggled for years and the ones stuck in the middle, those who haven't been "trying" long enough to fit comfortably in either category. The type A mommies will just tell you to relax and it will happen. The type B mommies won't even hear your story because somehow, since you haven't (yet) had to go through what they've been through, your story, your hopes, your anxieties, your pain, isn't valid. They forgot in all their struggles where it started. They forgot the waiting before anyone would help even though they KNEW they would need it.