Spray painted chairs and other fun furniture

I guess if I was going to title my blog that, I should have taken pictures. Too bad, I didn't you'll have to use your imagination.

KCIA support group met again last night. There were lots of new people so we needed a bigger space. The church we meet at gave us their youth room and WOW was it cool!! They had fun mismatched furniture including 2 vinyl arm chairs they spray painted in bright green and bright blue. The coffee table was an old door and it had twinkle lights!

I'm pretty sure any infertility meeting should have twinkle lights.

It was a good meeting. It was nice to get to meet some new people. I still feel like a fraud though, I mean, I'm just gearing up to start my treatment and there are women there that have been at this for 10 years!!!! I'm learning a lot though so that's good.

On my way home I started having some pain on my right side then at 3am I woke up doubled over in pain... I was so worried it was a cyst or something but it just turned out to be gas.

I'm not overthinking things or anything lately, I promise.

Boobs still hurt and are HUGE, like falling out of my bras huge. I figured I'd start cramping by now but haven't yet. I just need AF to hurry her ass up so we can start on this baby making meds!!!

-h

It's Mother's Day...

and I'm home alone, sitting on my couch, watching Vampire Diaries and drinking vodka and lemonade.

It's actually the 2ww and I'm pretty sure 11/12dpo even though I'm not tracking. I just have a feeling and my boobs are super sore like the normally are in the 2nd half of the 2ww IF I ovulate.

I picked up my Clomid today. I thought maybe getting it in my possession on Mother's Day would be a good omen. Two awesome things happened. First, it was super cheap. I guess I was just expecting it to be more but it was under $20! Second, the pharmacist was awesome. She asked if I was TTC #1, I told her I was, she wished me good luck then told me "Happy Mother's Day, you already have a mother's heart."

I made it to my car before crying. I was genuinely touched by her words. Today can be rough so having people recognize that makes it a little more bearable!

Speaking of random recognition... Ok well not random, but unexpected. BOTH of my closest friends (N the uber fertile and H the child-free for now) AND my mother shared the lovely picture that Resolve.Org shared on their Facebook today. It was so heartwarming. PLUS my sister sent me a lovely text this morning as well. It was nice to know they were all thinking of me.

I'm not a fantastic wordsmith like some of you lovely ladies. I don't often speak eloquently or in ways that touch people to the core. It's been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways today but it's very true:

You become a mother the moment the seed is planted in your heart

Happy Mother's Day to all of us, booze it up if you can :)

11dpo? BFN, NERVES!

I caved and took a test this AM. BFN but I'm surprisingly ok with that. I know it's still early IF I even ovulated yet. I'm starting to lean more and more to the side that says I haven't even though it's CD33. I ovulated on CD 36 last cycle so I'm guessing that might be the case again.

But of course my body hates me and all the signs were there for O to have occurred 11 days ago.. So whatever body, go fuck yourself.

I didn't really expect to see a positive today. But I bought a veritable shit ton of tests off Amazon so...

Also, I'm getting increasingly nervous for my appointment on Wednesday. It's not until the afternoon so I've decided to work from home that day so I'm not freaking out at work. So many of you are already so much further along in this and have been so incredibly helpful!! Reading your blogs, following your journey's before I really even started on mine has been awesome. I feel much more prepared. And then the advice you give! This community really is awesome, even if the thing that brings us together pretty much sucks ass.

After Wednesday I'll be an official, registered infertile one that's on a medically treated path with the rest of you. I'm not going to lie, some days I feel like a fraud that snuck right in to this world before my time. But so many of you know, that you KNOW well before your dr diagnoses you, that something is just wrong. I was there and I decided to do something about it. 

So thank you ladies, for all your help, whether it was voluntary or not. Thank you for not shunning me. 

(Well this got sappier than I intended)

Boobs

-h

My Body Is A Wonderland (and sometimes a horror house)

Welp, yesterday's random high temp was.... Option C!! I was hot. Those who guessed correctly win a prize*

My temp went back down, but still above coverline. (which I still don't trust because it's lower than last cycles). At this point I'm not sure what to think about my fucked up broken body. Not to mention starting last night I noticed I was tender to the touch right inside my right hipbone, which could mean I have something funky going on with meatwad's old house (you can read more about meatwad here and here) Just let me tell you how excited THAT idea makes me. UGH

I'm 6 days out from my appointment with Dr C. I'm still super nervous. I've got this whole list of things I want to ask him or discuss but I'm afraid we won't get to it all, or I'll forget, or something. I'm not nervous with meeting with him though, He's been my GYN since I was 15. He's my mom's, and both my sister's GYN. He delivered my niece AND my youngest brother and sister (the latter I was in the room for!) He's really kind, very soft spoken, has AMAZING bedside manner and knows all my history/family history. But I'm worried that his calm demeanor might mask the seriousness of what's going on.

Even when meatwad was removed, he was really nonchalant about the whole ordeal, which is good because it kept me calm. He has an air of confidence that doesn't even cross over into the realm of cocky. I'm lucky to have him. He's one of the most popular OB/GYN's in town. I'm also worried that if he can't help me, I'll have to change doctors and facilities. That makes me a little crazy, the thought of change and a stranger trying to fix me. What if s/he's an asshole? Or rude? Or like that Dr. from Knocked Up? It gets my heart racing just thinking about it.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. 8dpo, not a lot of symptoms, maybe didn't even ovulate, driving myself nuts... Welcome to my freakshow

-h

*prize to be determined at at later date, prize will not have actual value and my not even be a physical thing. The writer reserves the right to take back the prize if you're a jerk about it.

How well do you know your body?

Seriously, think about it. How much tracking have you done of every single flipping thing in the last 3 months? 6 months? Year?

If I asked you what your "symptoms" were on the 5th day of your cycle could you conjure up some chart, some app, some notebook that would tell you?

Do know you exactly what your O pain feels like? What position your cervix is in right before you start your period?

If asked, could you produce the EXACT dates of your last years of cycles? I know I can. I've been tracking for a long, long time.

I started well before I was TCC. And it started slow, just tracking my periods every month. Then I started tracking when I did the deed (no shit, I can tell you the exact dates I've had sex for the last 6 years, well I could, before my stupid phone crapped out, now I have to cross fingers I got that backed up to my SD card recently)

Then came symptoms. I was irregular so I thought maybe if I can remember exactly what days I started getting gassy, or crampy or my boobs felt like they had swollen up the size of my head, then maybe I could better predict when I'd start. Nothing to do with TTC, more about making sure I packed tampons when I needed them.

Then came the temping, every single morning I roll over and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I do anything else, I record it and usually fall back asleep until I can't waste anymore time without skipping a shower for work (and I've done it, I love my bed)

So now I have all this data and it's done me abso-fucking-lutely NO GOOD.

None of these things has helped me get pregnant. So is it a waste of time? Maybe. But I feel like I can control that. So I'll continue doing it until I just can't take it anymore.

It's awesome to know so much more about myself but it also makes me extremely jealous of people how just get pregnant. My little sister was like 16 weeks along when she found out... SIXTEEN WEEKS.

I start taking tests like 10dpo. How can you not know.. or at least suspect something for 16 weeks?!?!

It blows my mind.

Oh FF says I'm 7dpo, I had a huge temp spike today. Could mean a couple of things. A) I didn't O 7 days ago but O'd yesterday. B) I did O 7 days ago and implanted yesterday and will have one of the coveted triphasic charts C) I was hot last night

-h

It's all about the numbers and super cute bags

Nothing fun from me on April Fool's Day.. I'm super lame like that.
Today is 6dpo according to FF, with SOLID crosshairs might I add. Though my temps are still lower than last cycle so I'm leery. It's also 8 days until my dr appointment, which means my 2WW will/should end then. So, that could be fun. Maybe, probably not.

I have no symptoms. Nothing, nada, zilch. and last time, that meant I hadn't ACTUALLY ovulated, that FF was a big fat liar face. I'm attempting to keep hubs on a reg bd schedule just in case.. we'll see how that goes.

Oh, I'm having a Thirty-One bags catalog party (and by catalog, I mean online... SAVE THE TREES)

So, if you are familiar with their bags and need something, check it out, buy through my party and I'll love you forever (make sure you spend the extra for direct shipping as me hand delivering probably isn't an option)

If you HAVEN'T ever seen Thirty-One bags... click on over and empty your wallets. Seriously, adorable, super helpful shit over here!

LINK TO PARTY

Broke down and bought a FRER yesterday..

With every intention of taking one this morning, 14dpo. But my temps dropped like a rock and I couldn't bring myself to waste it. I'm surprisingly ok mentally right now. But AF still hasn't started so I guess there is still that little niggle of hope in the back of my mind.

I felt like a total asshole yesterday. Like biggest asshole on the planet. I have an old friend that lives out of state. She and I were really close for quite awhile but as our lives changed and it wasn't as easy to just up and go visit ever six months, we grew apart.

Well she got married a couple years ago... to a guy she had been dating for like 6 months. She called and invited me to be a bridesmaid and I accepted, but as we started pricing things, it became clear I wasn't going to be able to afford the trip. I was getting married 2 month before that and even though we didn't have a big wedding, it still wasn't cheap. My cost of going to her wedding: the dress, the shoes, the flight, the hotel room, the rental car, etc was going to be just under $1500. And right after my wedding... I just wasn't going to be able to do it. So I called her and backed out. She said she was fine, she had a back-up. It was plenty of time in advance for another bridesmaid to step in, No biggie. But after that phone call... we didn't talk anymore. I texted her on her wedding day to wish her congrats and good luck. She replied a quick "Thanks, call you later" but that call never came. I texted her again on her birthday, got a thanks again.

Fast forward to August... I get a text of a sonogram... "We're not making it public yet but we're pregnant!"
Due a month after her birthday, so exciting, we just started trying it it happened so fast. Blah Blah Blah. I was happy she was excited but let's face it, she's always jumped into these not so great relationships because she WANTS TO BE MARRIED.. that was her life goal. The whole time she was pursuing her MASTERS, all she could talk about was how she just needed a boyfriend so she could get married. Now I get wanting to be with someone, wanting to find the love of your life. But this is the kind of girl who tried to force square pegs in a round hole in her last 3 relationships. So I was a little skeptical... and I've never met the guy, my fault, I know but whatever.

So I was a little bitter, and then I got the October text "It's a girl" YAY was my reply... radio silence after that. I'm not going to lie, I had to hide her on facebook. I couldn't take all the posts about all these things she was buying for her baby and how the room was coming and all that shit. I just couldn't do it. So I hid her and just checked her page on good days, when I could handle it.

Yesterday morning on my way to work I was talking to one of my bf's (the other childless ((by choice for now)) one) about how it was so unfair. Here we have my situation long relationship, trying so hard.. no baby and here is the relationship trainwreck that is our friend and she's 5 weeks away from getting her healthy baby... UGH why is the universe so unfair?? Bitch, Bitch, Moan Moan.. the whole way to work...

Then I get a text. Friend is having complications and they are going in for an emergency C-section. (mind you, this is not from friend but someone who saw it on friend's brothers FACEBOOK).

Great... Now I put it out there and the poor baby is going to come early because I'm a bitter, ugly on the inside, horrible person... Thanks universe... guess that will show me.

Baby was born 5 weeks early. 4lbs 9oz, she's looks great, pink and screaming. Mom is good... All is well. She's having trouble latching but I think that's common for premeies.. Either way, I'm an asshole.

Why do we do it?

Why do we stress, and symptom stalk, and test early (and often)? Why do we push ourselves to know RIGHT NOW? Why can't we just wait until that lovely time of the month doesn't come and pee on a stick to see two beautiful lines and blissfully waltz into pregnancy?

Instead we have to hit the internet every time something feels "off". Watery CM? Better check the internet. Pain in the side of boobs? Better check the internet. If you are anything like me your search history probably looks like:

• 10dpo watery cm BFP
• dizziness sign of early pregnancy
• how early BFP
• CD35 ovulation BFP
• TWW symptoms 11dpo
• blah blah blah blah blah

I mean my best friend didn't even understand what a Two Week Wait WAS!!! She just knew, when I'm late, I test. No freaking out on the message boards, No taking multiple tests before it's due, posting the pictures and begging for someone (anyone) to confirm they see a shadow of a line (that I almost NEVER see) on your HPT taken on 8dpo. You see the lucky ones. Posting their progression pics. Little strips laid out on the counter, perfectly labeled with the day past ovulation (sometimes with the date and time seriously, how to they write so small and neatly?) that second line getting darker and darker each test. I know girls that took one in the WAL-MART bathroom, got their glaring pink line within seconds and tossed it (maybe taking a picture for documentation). Those girls never got "line-eye" They just peed, got a result and moved on. I wish I could be that girl.

I'm not, I couldn't be that patient. It was 9/10dpo (FF is confused depending on the "mode" it's in) so I tested. 

Stark white internet cheapie. Not even a hint of a line. I should have just waited. I keep telling myself I'll wait and I don't. I'm a sucker and I fucking hate it!

If you care to symptom stalk with me here's what I've got: watery (I mean gushing) CM and congestion. That's it, boob pain went away today. Temps are still up so there's some hope I guess. 

A little more about me

The new job has been awesome, and tough all at once. I'm trying not to get stressed about the little things and I think I'm doing pretty good! My schedule has been all over the place though, I come in around 830 and some days I'm out by 2pm and some not until 530 or 6pm. Which isn't a huge deal, but it means I miss my classes at the gym!

Speaking of the gym, most of you don't know but last July I started a weight loss program through our local fitness magazine and it was AMAZING!! I had let myself balloon up to over 200lbs and was not comfortable AT ALL.. Dr said (of course, don't they all) that I'd have better chances at getting knocked up on my own if I could drop a few (like 50) pounds. Well I'm not there yet. I'm down 30lbs but the inches I've lost blow me away. And the muscle I've gained is pretty awesome too! Here's a little comparison pic from back in September when we finished.

Seriously, I think that's pretty awesome! After the super intense 12 week program, I had a Hawaiian vacation for a wedding, my 29th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, cold snowy crappy weather and was STILL within 3 lbs of my final weight.

I had looked at the as a fail. I mean here it was 4 months later and I hadn't managed to lose any more weight. Then my trainer started at me and said, "You are looking at this the wrong way, you have managed to MAINTAIN your weight, without rigid structure, without super hardcore workouts and strict meal planning. That isn't a FAIL, that is a WIN" (and then he made me do push-ups... I hate that guy)

A bunch of my fitfam are signing up to do a 5k obstacle course this fall. I'm going to sign up too. I've already missed the deadline for a couple because I was worried about being pregnant at the time. Then I decided I was looking at it all wrong.

I'm going to make plans with or without this baby, and if those plans need changed, so be it! 

I'm not going to put my life on hold and then regret it later

Crosshairs are back

Now FF is saying I ovulated on CD36! My temps have been elevated and fairly steady for the first time this cycle!

I'm cautiously optimistic about this change. Today would be 8dpo with an implantation dip yesterday. My boobs started getting sore to the touch yesterday, more so today.

I can't decide if I want to waste more tests by starting to test 10dpo or just wait for my period to be late.

It's funny because I can still remember buying tests and begging them to be negative. I guess it was hard for me to remember some people (lots of people) bought them in hopes of that second line.

So what do we talk about while we wait? Hmmmmm..

Well basement finishing is coming along fine. Hubby got a new schedule at work.. 7 days on/7days off. And he works 12hr night shifts. So wed-fri I'll see him for about 40mins in the morning before I leave for work. The Sat-Sun he'll be sleeping all day. And Mon-wed back to the 40min each morning.. I'm really crossing my fingers that IF I have a next cycle, it's on his off week.. BDing before rushing to work is not my idea of a good time!

-h

Pretty sure I'm out...

Still symptomless.. Peed on a stick this morning.. Negative. I know it's not over til it's over... Now I guess I wait for my favorite friend to show up. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I figured this would happen.

11dpo and my symptom stalking isn't going so well

Like the title says, today is 11dpo and my symptom spotting WOULD be in full force...

IF I HAD ANY SYMPTOMS!!!!!!

I'm completely symptomless.. nothing, no cramps, no twinges, no sore boobs, no sensitive nipples, no zits, no stuffy nose, no heightened sense of smell.. NOTHING. 

Nothing that leads me to believe I'm pregnant OR that AF is on her way. Which is weird, because I've been symptom tracking just a little longer than I've been temping and I get some serious pre-period things happening starting about 1 week before my period but this month... NOTHING.

My temp had nosedived yesterday, I mean down to 96.1 but it was back up again today so I'm attributing that to sleeping on the couch instead of in my warm bed with my blankets. 

So we're maybe still in the game but I'm seriously starting to lost what little hope I'd let myself get. 

Sometimes little sisters aren't so bad

My little sister and I are very different people and that's always been tough. I want so badly to have this sitcom silly relationship with her but we really don't have anything in common. She is one of those people who can mix and match her closet and look like she stepped out of a magazine every day.. If I'm not going to work, you're lucky to find me I'm real pants. Her house is perfectly decorated, I have exactly 4 things actually hung on my walls and one of those is a mounted buck! She is exactly the kind of person Pinterest was created for, and me... I'm more like the blogger over at Pintester. I'm logical to a fault and pretty vocal about it and she's more delicate. But all of that doesn't change the fact that we really do love each other.
I don't talk to her much about my struggles with getting pregnant, mostly so I don't get upset when she doesn't know what to say. (I know that's irrational and not her fault but that's where I am right now) She got pregnant on accident so it's hard.

The other night she texted me to check on me after I posted on Facebook about having a hard night. And she said something that really warmed my heart.

I told her I was sick of everyone telling me to relax, to be positive I just wanted someone to be pissed with me. Her reply:

Well I am pissed you can't either! Lol I can't pretend to understand what you feel, but I do know that one day, however it happens, your child will know that you wanted them so badly. It won't be some gross story of jello shots and a 21st birthday uh oh, it will be a loving story about trying and failing but not giving up. That I do know and that's one lucky kid.

Sometimes we need to hear things like this.

On a side note... I had a giant temp dive today... 10dpo and I mean DIVE like almost 1.5 degrees. I think that means I'm out this month.. I knew it was too good to be true.

Yeah yeah, I shouldn't have had those drinks..

We had some friends over last night to work on the basement (we're finishing it) and since the guys were drinking, I thought I'd join them. I had 3 drinks, over the course of about 4 hours. That's not really a lot for me, on superbowl Sunday I probably had 5 in the same amount of time, but last night I couldn't handle it.

I vomited, violently, for about 10mins until I was dry heaving. N's first comment was "are you pregnant?" I haven't been keeping him up with my symptom stressing, or anything like that so it caught me off guard.

I ate some Saltines (4) drank about 5oz of water and laid back down.. For about 5mins, then I was back over the toilet. He joked about me handling morning sickness.

I'm wondering if this may be an early symptom or if I'm just turning into a light weight...

Implantation dip? Or am I crazy

Ok so since I've been charting my temps, I'm getting obsessed!! I know I ovulated, I know we did it during my "fertile" window and today I had what they call the "implantation dip".
23% of women charting that see this ARE pregnant, 11% that see this aren't pregnant and the other remaining don't ever see a dip preggo or not...

I know that's not reason to get my hopes up but I'll be damned if it doesn't!

I guess my temps tomorrow will help me see if I'm going up or down.

When should I start pissing on sticks? 10dpo, 12dpo or 14dpo?

4DPO and I'm trying to stay sane

I'm trying not to overthink this. I'm trying not to symptom stress. It's way to early, these aren't really symptoms. The exhaustion, the gas, the insatiable hunger, it could be anything.

There is no way that the cycle before I'm scheduled to finally start meds, I actually ovulate and get pregnant. It just didn't work that way. I'm trying to stay level-headed.

It snowed a ton today, I worked from home and then we finally ventured out to pick up dinner, Chinese food..
My fortune cookie didn't do much in the way of helping me keep my hopes in check.

Holy O (well according to my temps)

According to my lovely Fertility Friend app I have actually ovulated!

On my own!

No meds!

For the first time since I've been temping, I actually have crosshairs on my chart! I'm excited about that, but trying to keep my hopes at a level I can handle. We did manage to get some lovin' done during the "fertile" phase so I guess I'm now actually in my 2 week wait.

It's weird, I think I actually felt ovulation on Friday night on my way home from work. A sharp pain on my left side (which would make sense since my right ovary doesn't cooperate at all). Honestly, I dismissed it as gas when it happened! My temps spiked Saturday and were elevated yesterday and today so I got crosshairs! Usually, my temps look like a kindergarten version of a mountain range, or alligator teeth.. Up down, up down up down down up down..but this month they have been more stable.

Now we've got steps 1 and 2 down.
1)do the deed
2)ovulate

Let's just see if the rest of the steps fall in place. Fingers crossed but I'm trying to stay realistic.