But it's days like today that terrify me.
So many of my online clan have gotten terrible news over the past 3 days. From BFNs, to awful beta's to miscarriages. I'm heartbroken for every single one of them.
It's so hard to stay positive sometimes. It's hard not to be gripped by the fear. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me too. I want to be there for all of them. I want to hold their hands, buy them a drink and promise them it will all be ok... I want to be able to keep that promise. It's just so unfair.
I'm so nervous for Friday's scan. I'd like to just fall asleep and wake up on my way there. My whole life is hinging on that little heartbeat and if it's not there... I just don't know what I'll do.
I've been so lucky this far and there's nothing I can do but cross my fingers that my luck holds out and Nugget is growing just like s/he's supposed to.
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Monday, June 9, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Spray painted chairs and other fun furniture
I guess if I was going to title my blog that, I should have taken pictures. Too bad, I didn't you'll have to use your imagination.
KCIA support group met again last night. There were lots of new people so we needed a bigger space. The church we meet at gave us their youth room and WOW was it cool!! They had fun mismatched furniture including 2 vinyl arm chairs they spray painted in bright green and bright blue. The coffee table was an old door and it had twinkle lights!
I'm pretty sure any infertility meeting should have twinkle lights.
It was a good meeting. It was nice to get to meet some new people. I still feel like a fraud though, I mean, I'm just gearing up to start my treatment and there are women there that have been at this for 10 years!!!! I'm learning a lot though so that's good.
On my way home I started having some pain on my right side then at 3am I woke up doubled over in pain... I was so worried it was a cyst or something but it just turned out to be gas.
I'm not overthinking things or anything lately, I promise.
Boobs still hurt and are HUGE, like falling out of my bras huge. I figured I'd start cramping by now but haven't yet. I just need AF to hurry her ass up so we can start on this baby making meds!!!
-h
KCIA support group met again last night. There were lots of new people so we needed a bigger space. The church we meet at gave us their youth room and WOW was it cool!! They had fun mismatched furniture including 2 vinyl arm chairs they spray painted in bright green and bright blue. The coffee table was an old door and it had twinkle lights!
I'm pretty sure any infertility meeting should have twinkle lights.
It was a good meeting. It was nice to get to meet some new people. I still feel like a fraud though, I mean, I'm just gearing up to start my treatment and there are women there that have been at this for 10 years!!!! I'm learning a lot though so that's good.
On my way home I started having some pain on my right side then at 3am I woke up doubled over in pain... I was so worried it was a cyst or something but it just turned out to be gas.
I'm not overthinking things or anything lately, I promise.
Boobs still hurt and are HUGE, like falling out of my bras huge. I figured I'd start cramping by now but haven't yet. I just need AF to hurry her ass up so we can start on this baby making meds!!!
-h
Sunday, May 11, 2014
It's Mother's Day...
and I'm home alone, sitting on my couch, watching Vampire Diaries and drinking vodka and lemonade.
It's actually the 2ww and I'm pretty sure 11/12dpo even though I'm not tracking. I just have a feeling and my boobs are super sore like the normally are in the 2nd half of the 2ww IF I ovulate.
I picked up my Clomid today. I thought maybe getting it in my possession on Mother's Day would be a good omen. Two awesome things happened. First, it was super cheap. I guess I was just expecting it to be more but it was under $20! Second, the pharmacist was awesome. She asked if I was TTC #1, I told her I was, she wished me good luck then told me "Happy Mother's Day, you already have a mother's heart."
I made it to my car before crying. I was genuinely touched by her words. Today can be rough so having people recognize that makes it a little more bearable!
Speaking of random recognition... Ok well not random, but unexpected. BOTH of my closest friends (N the uber fertile and H the child-free for now) AND my mother shared the lovely picture that Resolve.Org shared on their Facebook today. It was so heartwarming. PLUS my sister sent me a lovely text this morning as well. It was nice to know they were all thinking of me.
I'm not a fantastic wordsmith like some of you lovely ladies. I don't often speak eloquently or in ways that touch people to the core. It's been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways today but it's very true:
You become a mother the moment the seed is planted in your heart
Happy Mother's Day to all of us, booze it up if you can :)
It's actually the 2ww and I'm pretty sure 11/12dpo even though I'm not tracking. I just have a feeling and my boobs are super sore like the normally are in the 2nd half of the 2ww IF I ovulate.
I picked up my Clomid today. I thought maybe getting it in my possession on Mother's Day would be a good omen. Two awesome things happened. First, it was super cheap. I guess I was just expecting it to be more but it was under $20! Second, the pharmacist was awesome. She asked if I was TTC #1, I told her I was, she wished me good luck then told me "Happy Mother's Day, you already have a mother's heart."
I made it to my car before crying. I was genuinely touched by her words. Today can be rough so having people recognize that makes it a little more bearable!
Speaking of random recognition... Ok well not random, but unexpected. BOTH of my closest friends (N the uber fertile and H the child-free for now) AND my mother shared the lovely picture that Resolve.Org shared on their Facebook today. It was so heartwarming. PLUS my sister sent me a lovely text this morning as well. It was nice to know they were all thinking of me.
I'm not a fantastic wordsmith like some of you lovely ladies. I don't often speak eloquently or in ways that touch people to the core. It's been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways today but it's very true:
You become a mother the moment the seed is planted in your heart
Happy Mother's Day to all of us, booze it up if you can :)
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Survey says....
Hubs SA came back today, I'll get more specific numbers tomorrow but the Dr. said his count was "phenomenal" so I'm pleased with that. Morphology was a little on the low side but nothing to be concerned with.
OB/GYN wants to do 3 rounds of Clomid. I'm ok with that now. Hubs and I had a long talk and he's more comfortable doing things with as little intervention as possible to start. I get it and maybe we'll be that couple that just needs the Clomid kickstart and we're good to go. In the meantime, we're going to start saving up the extra cash for further treatment if necessary. The clinic I want to go to is typically around $500 for the first round of labs/HSG/consult. He's been picking up extra shifts to help put most of it back for baby and some back for basement finishing :)
Nurse C is going to call tomorrow with specifics on protocol so I'll know more. I think he wants to push Provera to start my cycle but... well I need to time that so N's days off are 8-14 because no amount of Clomid will help if we don't see each other before ovulation :)
That's the update for now.
-h
OB/GYN wants to do 3 rounds of Clomid. I'm ok with that now. Hubs and I had a long talk and he's more comfortable doing things with as little intervention as possible to start. I get it and maybe we'll be that couple that just needs the Clomid kickstart and we're good to go. In the meantime, we're going to start saving up the extra cash for further treatment if necessary. The clinic I want to go to is typically around $500 for the first round of labs/HSG/consult. He's been picking up extra shifts to help put most of it back for baby and some back for basement finishing :)
Nurse C is going to call tomorrow with specifics on protocol so I'll know more. I think he wants to push Provera to start my cycle but... well I need to time that so N's days off are 8-14 because no amount of Clomid will help if we don't see each other before ovulation :)
That's the update for now.
-h
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Results are in
CD21 test came back... Progesterone was 1.3 so just as I suspected, I didn't ovulate. Yay for paying $60 for something I already knew.
Called the RE that my Dr was sending hubs to for his SA like 6 times last week with no answer, finally left a message. Still haven't gotten a call back so when my Dr. called with results, I asked what to do. They referred me to a different clinic and it's the one I want to go to anyway! So this is good news, hubs won't have to do a second one if/when we have to go there. His appointment is on Tuesday. He's not exactly thrilled about the change in clinics because instead of taking his sample in and dropping it off, he gets to do it there. Performing under pressure is NOT his strong suit. We'll see how it goes.
I think I'm going to call the RE and see about getting in, find out how much the initial consult will be and then stick with my Dr and do a round or two of Clomid if there's a wait or if it's going to be more than we want to pull out of savings right now. However, that might change at any time.
Called the RE that my Dr was sending hubs to for his SA like 6 times last week with no answer, finally left a message. Still haven't gotten a call back so when my Dr. called with results, I asked what to do. They referred me to a different clinic and it's the one I want to go to anyway! So this is good news, hubs won't have to do a second one if/when we have to go there. His appointment is on Tuesday. He's not exactly thrilled about the change in clinics because instead of taking his sample in and dropping it off, he gets to do it there. Performing under pressure is NOT his strong suit. We'll see how it goes.
I think I'm going to call the RE and see about getting in, find out how much the initial consult will be and then stick with my Dr and do a round or two of Clomid if there's a wait or if it's going to be more than we want to pull out of savings right now. However, that might change at any time.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
JUST RELAX...
I haven't been able to fall asleep lately, even more so than usual. Part of it is stress about work, part of it is stress about IF and part of it is good TV... ok maybe not good tv.. but tv.
Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.
On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.
At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.
We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.
Things with work have been INSANE lately. Like, I need help soon or I they'll find me weeping and rocking balled up in a corner of a supply closet somewhere. I can't seem to get these people to understand deadlines so I'm always rushed because of other people's poor planning, or just total disregard to my time. I had a project that had to go out the door for a client today, one that typically takes about 5 business days to turn around, get emailed to me last night at 6pm. So I went to email it over to the team before I left this morning... my emails didn't stop so I ended up working from home because I couldn't get away long enough to get dressed or justify the 40 minute drive in. The great thing is, my boss has my back. He truly understands what I'm dealing with and knows that I'm doing the best job possible with what I have.
On the IF front, I'm at a crossroads. I got my CD21 bloodwork done yesterday (still haven't O'd, I KNOW I haven't). I've tried to schedule N's SA but every time he's tried to call to make the appointment, they didn't answer. So I called and left a message today... Let's hope they call back soon.
At the conference, I met the RE I really think I want to go to. She has the best success rates in the city. Some people don't like her because she only takes the "good" candidates to ensure her score stays high. Too high or too low of a BMI and she won't do a cycle. I understand why some people might not like that, but I also respect her decision to do so. She's very straightforward, very to the point and matter of fact. I like that and I think it will be good for hubs as well. He's a numbers and facts guy. The only thing is... she doesn't do just timed intercourse cycles from what I'm seeing. It looks like she does an IUI no matter what (again, bolstering her numbers). And I understand the science behind it. If she's forcing ovulation she wants to make sure the sperm is there and the numbers she shows supports it. But I don't know if we're there yet.
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like we need THAT much help? I don't know. I guess I just want to try without it. I don't know. I think I'm taking a page from hubs book and just taking this as it comes.
We'll see. Maybe I'll be one of those people that just does a round of Clomid and gets knocked up... fingers crossed.
Monday, April 21, 2014
I've had the strangest dreams
The last few weeks have been full of the strangest dreams.
I've been having dreams about the guy I would consider my high school sweetheart. Though he wasn't the guy a dated the longest, he wasn't the guy I gave my virginity to, but he was always mine. I loved him the way only a 16 year old can love. And we broke up on very amicable terms. Neither of us were ready to "settle" down. We continued with a loose friendship and even hooked up a couple times over the years.
I won't lie, when I found out he and his girlfriend were expecting (just a couple months after we had hooked up when both of us were on a "break" from our respective significant others), I was heart broken. After all, that could have been me.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for the world (well maybe for a baby, but... well we all feel like that sometimes). But this guy was my "perfect on paper" guy.
Perfect on Paper.. what does that mean. Well he had everything I thought I wanted in a relationship. He fit all the criteria we put together for ourselves when we start thinking about who we'll spend the rest of our lives with. He checked off every single box, the timing was just off.
Either way, his son now plays on my soccer team so I see him, his girl friend and their son twice a week... and that's probably why I'm dreaming about him. These aren't sex dreams so don't go getting all Fifty Shades of Grey on me.. They are more.... romantical? (That's totally a word BTW, promise). It's rather unnerving though.
And last night I had a baby dream. This one was really strange. I walked in to the hospital and the Dr told me it was a girl. Obviously we had used a surrogate since I was just now showing up... obviously not pregnant. Then when I picked her up, she had this thick dark red hair (Hubs and I have brown hair). I remember showing her to him saying , "I'm sorry she has red hair, JK was the only one" (JK is another friends hubby... apparently he was the donor?) Oh and my baby could talk to me with her mind... so that was fun. I asked her about names, we settled on Norah (I know it's not usually spelled with an "h" but in my dream it totally was) We took her straight home from the hospital right then. I remember sending hubs to the store to get a car seat, why we didn't have one yet, I'll never know. And then we buckled her in the van (seriously brain, what part of you thinks I'll ever buy a van) and drove off. She was big, like 3 months old, and so very beautiful. Then I woke up.
Honestly, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to fall back asleep and hold that beautiful little girl some more. I wanted to listen to her speak to me, I wanted to have her.
I've been having dreams about the guy I would consider my high school sweetheart. Though he wasn't the guy a dated the longest, he wasn't the guy I gave my virginity to, but he was always mine. I loved him the way only a 16 year old can love. And we broke up on very amicable terms. Neither of us were ready to "settle" down. We continued with a loose friendship and even hooked up a couple times over the years.
I won't lie, when I found out he and his girlfriend were expecting (just a couple months after we had hooked up when both of us were on a "break" from our respective significant others), I was heart broken. After all, that could have been me.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for the world (well maybe for a baby, but... well we all feel like that sometimes). But this guy was my "perfect on paper" guy.
Perfect on Paper.. what does that mean. Well he had everything I thought I wanted in a relationship. He fit all the criteria we put together for ourselves when we start thinking about who we'll spend the rest of our lives with. He checked off every single box, the timing was just off.
Either way, his son now plays on my soccer team so I see him, his girl friend and their son twice a week... and that's probably why I'm dreaming about him. These aren't sex dreams so don't go getting all Fifty Shades of Grey on me.. They are more.... romantical? (That's totally a word BTW, promise). It's rather unnerving though.
And last night I had a baby dream. This one was really strange. I walked in to the hospital and the Dr told me it was a girl. Obviously we had used a surrogate since I was just now showing up... obviously not pregnant. Then when I picked her up, she had this thick dark red hair (Hubs and I have brown hair). I remember showing her to him saying , "I'm sorry she has red hair, JK was the only one" (JK is another friends hubby... apparently he was the donor?) Oh and my baby could talk to me with her mind... so that was fun. I asked her about names, we settled on Norah (I know it's not usually spelled with an "h" but in my dream it totally was) We took her straight home from the hospital right then. I remember sending hubs to the store to get a car seat, why we didn't have one yet, I'll never know. And then we buckled her in the van (seriously brain, what part of you thinks I'll ever buy a van) and drove off. She was big, like 3 months old, and so very beautiful. Then I woke up.
Honestly, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to fall back asleep and hold that beautiful little girl some more. I wanted to listen to her speak to me, I wanted to have her.
Friday, April 18, 2014
I'm feeling... weird
My battery died on my thermometer and I forgot to get a new one so I'm not temping this cycle. And since I'm not temping, I've decided to not track anything.
So here I am, CD11 with no idea where my cervix is, what type of mucus it's got, what my temps are, or what my "symptoms" were yesterday.
Have I had this headache for 2 days or 3? Couldn't tell you, not on my chart.
In 10 days I go in for my blood work and on the 29th Hubs takes his sample to the lab. So this cycle we're just winging it.
And to keep myself calm(ish) I've piled the work on myself and I've kept busy. I'm not spending all day on twitter or reading blogs so please forgive me if I've missed a big announcement of yours. I promise, it's not personal. I've been catching up (ish) on blogs when I have time but I'm probably behind.
It's weird, not doing anything. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern until we get results back, until I decide on an RE and make an appointment.
Until then, we wait.
- h
So here I am, CD11 with no idea where my cervix is, what type of mucus it's got, what my temps are, or what my "symptoms" were yesterday.
Have I had this headache for 2 days or 3? Couldn't tell you, not on my chart.
In 10 days I go in for my blood work and on the 29th Hubs takes his sample to the lab. So this cycle we're just winging it.
And to keep myself calm(ish) I've piled the work on myself and I've kept busy. I'm not spending all day on twitter or reading blogs so please forgive me if I've missed a big announcement of yours. I promise, it's not personal. I've been catching up (ish) on blogs when I have time but I'm probably behind.
It's weird, not doing anything. I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern until we get results back, until I decide on an RE and make an appointment.
Until then, we wait.
- h
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Support Groups and Old Faces
I've been meaning to update but I've been busy at work so I've been lazy at home!
Monday night I went to a meeting for the local infertility support group. It was so great to have everyone in the room truly understand what I'm going through. It was strange to see a girl I went to high school with stroll through the door but it was nice as well.
The Kansas City Infertility Awareness Foundation has been going on for about 4 years and on Monday I met a couple of the founders. They are so awesome and have so much knowledge and aren't afraid to share it which is great! I found myself still feeling a little like a fraud since I'm so early in the journey but they did so much to help me feel welcome.
Another awesome thing they do besides these monthly meetings, is put on a conference each year! From what I understand it's pretty amazing. All the local RE's have booths there so you can meet with their staff, chat a little about their offices and make a better decision on who to pick. I really like that. They also have several speakers that will be speaking on things like IVF, PCOS, Male Factor, etc. It looks like it's going to be great. I really wish hubs could come but he works the night before and the night of. Mom works too so I guess I'm going alone. Oh well, such is life.
Anyway... that's my "update" for now. There's not much going on until I go get my bloodwork on the 28th..
Monday night I went to a meeting for the local infertility support group. It was so great to have everyone in the room truly understand what I'm going through. It was strange to see a girl I went to high school with stroll through the door but it was nice as well.
The Kansas City Infertility Awareness Foundation has been going on for about 4 years and on Monday I met a couple of the founders. They are so awesome and have so much knowledge and aren't afraid to share it which is great! I found myself still feeling a little like a fraud since I'm so early in the journey but they did so much to help me feel welcome.
Another awesome thing they do besides these monthly meetings, is put on a conference each year! From what I understand it's pretty amazing. All the local RE's have booths there so you can meet with their staff, chat a little about their offices and make a better decision on who to pick. I really like that. They also have several speakers that will be speaking on things like IVF, PCOS, Male Factor, etc. It looks like it's going to be great. I really wish hubs could come but he works the night before and the night of. Mom works too so I guess I'm going alone. Oh well, such is life.
Anyway... that's my "update" for now. There's not much going on until I go get my bloodwork on the 28th..
Monday, April 7, 2014
11dpo? BFN, NERVES!
I caved and took a test this AM. BFN but I'm surprisingly ok with that. I know it's still early IF I even ovulated yet. I'm starting to lean more and more to the side that says I haven't even though it's CD33. I ovulated on CD 36 last cycle so I'm guessing that might be the case again.
But of course my body hates me and all the signs were there for O to have occurred 11 days ago.. So whatever body, go fuck yourself.
I didn't really expect to see a positive today. But I bought a veritable shit ton of tests off Amazon so...
But of course my body hates me and all the signs were there for O to have occurred 11 days ago.. So whatever body, go fuck yourself.
I didn't really expect to see a positive today. But I bought a veritable shit ton of tests off Amazon so...
Also, I'm getting increasingly nervous for my appointment on Wednesday. It's not until the afternoon so I've decided to work from home that day so I'm not freaking out at work. So many of you are already so much further along in this and have been so incredibly helpful!! Reading your blogs, following your journey's before I really even started on mine has been awesome. I feel much more prepared. And then the advice you give! This community really is awesome, even if the thing that brings us together pretty much sucks ass.
After Wednesday I'll be an official, registered infertile one that's on a medically treated path with the rest of you. I'm not going to lie, some days I feel like a fraud that snuck right in to this world before my time. But so many of you know, that you KNOW well before your dr diagnoses you, that something is just wrong. I was there and I decided to do something about it.
So thank you ladies, for all your help, whether it was voluntary or not. Thank you for not shunning me.
(Well this got sappier than I intended)
Boobs
-h
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
It's all about the numbers and super cute bags
Nothing fun from me on April Fool's Day.. I'm super lame like that.
Today is 6dpo according to FF, with SOLID crosshairs might I add. Though my temps are still lower than last cycle so I'm leery. It's also 8 days until my dr appointment, which means my 2WW will/should end then. So, that could be fun. Maybe, probably not.
I have no symptoms. Nothing, nada, zilch. and last time, that meant I hadn't ACTUALLY ovulated, that FF was a big fat liar face. I'm attempting to keep hubs on a reg bd schedule just in case.. we'll see how that goes.
Oh, I'm having a Thirty-One bags catalog party (and by catalog, I mean online... SAVE THE TREES)
So, if you are familiar with their bags and need something, check it out, buy through my party and I'll love you forever (make sure you spend the extra for direct shipping as me hand delivering probably isn't an option)
If you HAVEN'T ever seen Thirty-One bags... click on over and empty your wallets. Seriously, adorable, super helpful shit over here!
LINK TO PARTY
Today is 6dpo according to FF, with SOLID crosshairs might I add. Though my temps are still lower than last cycle so I'm leery. It's also 8 days until my dr appointment, which means my 2WW will/should end then. So, that could be fun. Maybe, probably not.
I have no symptoms. Nothing, nada, zilch. and last time, that meant I hadn't ACTUALLY ovulated, that FF was a big fat liar face. I'm attempting to keep hubs on a reg bd schedule just in case.. we'll see how that goes.
Oh, I'm having a Thirty-One bags catalog party (and by catalog, I mean online... SAVE THE TREES)
So, if you are familiar with their bags and need something, check it out, buy through my party and I'll love you forever (make sure you spend the extra for direct shipping as me hand delivering probably isn't an option)
If you HAVEN'T ever seen Thirty-One bags... click on over and empty your wallets. Seriously, adorable, super helpful shit over here!
LINK TO PARTY
Monday, March 31, 2014
Bad Blogger
As it turns out, I'm not that great of a blogger, especially when there isn't much to report! I'm counting down the days (9.5) until my doc appt to figure out where we go next. Today is CD26 and my handy dandy little app is trying to tell me it's also 5dpo. I'm not real convinced. My temps are lower than they were post ovulation last cycle by .5 or more but based on other signs like CM and CP. I've got solid crosshairs. Good news is, we managed to get a couple "sessions" in during that fertile window so IF it is right, we have a chance. I'm not getting my hopes up though.
The end of last week was incredibly busy at work. I mean like didn't have time to eat lunch busy and then my child free friend came to town and stayed the weekend at my house which means I'm about 5 days behind in catching up and reading all your blogs. I promise I'll catch up as soon as I can!!
I had a good lunch with my other bestie (the one with three kiddos) on Saturday. I was so relieved she didn't take me turning her down last weekend personally, I had been really torn up about it. We sat and chatted for about an hour just catching up and I aired a little of my frustration with the whole situation. It was nice to have someone just listen. And to hear her ask sincerely, "Well what do you need from me?" felt great. Even though there isn't anything she can do but listen, to know the offer is there warms my heart.
Oh, I coached soccer on Saturday. Somehow I got wrangled in to coaching 2 teams again this season so I have a 3-5yr old team and a 1st and 2nd grade team. They are great! Well most of them. I have this kid on my little team that's just an asshole. I really hate calling a 4 yr old an asshole but he is! He doesn't play well as a team, he's mean to the other kids, he's whiny, he talks back to me and his mom just sits there and plays on her phone. It's so frustrating!! Either way, both teams won! I was really proud of them.
So that's my update, sorry it's not more interesting :)
-h
The end of last week was incredibly busy at work. I mean like didn't have time to eat lunch busy and then my child free friend came to town and stayed the weekend at my house which means I'm about 5 days behind in catching up and reading all your blogs. I promise I'll catch up as soon as I can!!
I had a good lunch with my other bestie (the one with three kiddos) on Saturday. I was so relieved she didn't take me turning her down last weekend personally, I had been really torn up about it. We sat and chatted for about an hour just catching up and I aired a little of my frustration with the whole situation. It was nice to have someone just listen. And to hear her ask sincerely, "Well what do you need from me?" felt great. Even though there isn't anything she can do but listen, to know the offer is there warms my heart.
Oh, I coached soccer on Saturday. Somehow I got wrangled in to coaching 2 teams again this season so I have a 3-5yr old team and a 1st and 2nd grade team. They are great! Well most of them. I have this kid on my little team that's just an asshole. I really hate calling a 4 yr old an asshole but he is! He doesn't play well as a team, he's mean to the other kids, he's whiny, he talks back to me and his mom just sits there and plays on her phone. It's so frustrating!! Either way, both teams won! I was really proud of them.
So that's my update, sorry it's not more interesting :)
-h
Monday, March 24, 2014
I had a helluva weekend
First off thank you to everyone who commented and tweeted me during my breakdowns on Friday, your support means the world to me because I know that these feelings are not abnormal! It's hard to find people in your "real" life who understand the complex emotions that go with this struggle and to have that through my online presence is huge.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
My mom even admitted that she doesn't ask because she doesn't know what to say. I explained that I need her to listen more than anything. I think she understood. She offered to go with me to my Dr. appt in 16 days since hubs will be working.
Hubs... oh my emotionless, hardened hubs. He knew I was having a hard time. I know he doesn't express emotions well, it's just something he never learned to do. So he tries to make up for that in other ways, like buying me Chipotle for dinner on Friday night. And buying me ducklings on Saturday.
I mean seriously.. how cute are they?
We talked a little more about all the options we may be faced with coming up. He seems more open now that he understands but is still ok with being child-free if that's what happens. I guess that's ok, I mean if he's already open to the possibility, I don't have to worry about letting him down.
Speaking of all thinks baby-making. Today is CD19 and my temps are all over the place. I haven't ovulated yet but I'm having all the "fertile time" symptoms. We'll continue doing the deed as often as we can in hopes that we catch the egg but frankly, I don't have high hopes for this cycle.
I'm really interested to meet with my Dr and see what he thinks the cause of my late/non-existent ovulation stems from. I'm kind of torn on this subject as well. Part of me wants to really look into the CAUSE of this and part of me just wants to fix the symptoms (and get pregnant). I know that if we detirmine the root cause, I could most likely get pregnant without ART (provided it's something "fixable" like hormones) BUT the other part of me says "Why the fuck are you wasting your precious time, just artificially make your body do what it's supposed to and put a baby in me now before I cause more havoc"
-h
P.S. I found my nose ring between the bedframe and the wall. That made me happy too :)
Monday, March 10, 2014
A good weekend
The best things about a Thursday CD1? Drinking all weekend!!!!
Seriously, on my way home from work Thurs, I stopped and bought:
Friday was good, work kept me busy so I didn't kill anyone (always a plus when I'm on my period, no need to perpetuate the stereotypes) Then I got a call from my little sister inviting us our for her hubs bday. She had texted me on Thurs to let me know she was "late" but not pregnant because "I know you'd kill me if I got pregnant again." Thanks... We had a pretty good time, none of their friends are in the baby making mode yet and my niece is almost 5 so it was a lot of talk that WASN'T (gasp) about kids!!
Saturday hubs and his buddy sanded the basement while I cleaned the house. Turns out, it was a wasted effort on my part because as soon as they opened the door, about 3 inches of drywall dust floated up the stairs and settled in on every single fucking surface! His old friend Billy called, we haven't seen him and his wife in months, they wanted to come hang out for a game night. I thought it was odd and then panicked that she was going to announce a pregnancy in my kitchen. Turns out I got all worked up over nothing and we drank and played board games and laughed harder than I have in awhile. Plus sometime around noon AF decided her stay was no longer necessary and she made her departure (cue the sexy-time just for the sake of sexy-time music)
Sunday hubs invited more friends over to BBQ since it was nice out so we drank again!! It was good to be surrounded by everyone this weekend. It really kept me from dwelling on everything. Plus, since almost everyone knows we're trying, and I had drinks in my hand, I didn't have to answer any baby questions.
Dr. appointment is scheduled for April 9th so we have (maybe) one more cycle to do this "for free". I'm getting nervous for the dr. I want to make sure I'm my own advocate but I'm still learning so much that I'm not sure what questions to ask. Any advice from you ladies would be much appreciated.
Seriously, on my way home from work Thurs, I stopped and bought:
- A pint of chocolate almond ice cream
- tampons (I keep telling myself I'll buy a Diva cup and stop wasting money, have any of you tried it?)
- Ibuprofen (cramps were KILLER)
- a bottle of $8 Riesling
Friday was good, work kept me busy so I didn't kill anyone (always a plus when I'm on my period, no need to perpetuate the stereotypes) Then I got a call from my little sister inviting us our for her hubs bday. She had texted me on Thurs to let me know she was "late" but not pregnant because "I know you'd kill me if I got pregnant again." Thanks... We had a pretty good time, none of their friends are in the baby making mode yet and my niece is almost 5 so it was a lot of talk that WASN'T (gasp) about kids!!
Saturday hubs and his buddy sanded the basement while I cleaned the house. Turns out, it was a wasted effort on my part because as soon as they opened the door, about 3 inches of drywall dust floated up the stairs and settled in on every single fucking surface! His old friend Billy called, we haven't seen him and his wife in months, they wanted to come hang out for a game night. I thought it was odd and then panicked that she was going to announce a pregnancy in my kitchen. Turns out I got all worked up over nothing and we drank and played board games and laughed harder than I have in awhile. Plus sometime around noon AF decided her stay was no longer necessary and she made her departure (cue the sexy-time just for the sake of sexy-time music)
Sunday hubs invited more friends over to BBQ since it was nice out so we drank again!! It was good to be surrounded by everyone this weekend. It really kept me from dwelling on everything. Plus, since almost everyone knows we're trying, and I had drinks in my hand, I didn't have to answer any baby questions.
Dr. appointment is scheduled for April 9th so we have (maybe) one more cycle to do this "for free". I'm getting nervous for the dr. I want to make sure I'm my own advocate but I'm still learning so much that I'm not sure what questions to ask. Any advice from you ladies would be much appreciated.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Why do we do it?
Why do we stress, and symptom stalk, and test early (and often)? Why do we push ourselves to know RIGHT NOW? Why can't we just wait until that lovely time of the month doesn't come and pee on a stick to see two beautiful lines and blissfully waltz into pregnancy?
Instead we have to hit the internet every time something feels "off". Watery CM? Better check the internet. Pain in the side of boobs? Better check the internet. If you are anything like me your search history probably looks like:
Instead we have to hit the internet every time something feels "off". Watery CM? Better check the internet. Pain in the side of boobs? Better check the internet. If you are anything like me your search history probably looks like:
- 10dpo watery cm BFP
- dizziness sign of early pregnancy
- how early BFP
- CD35 ovulation BFP
- TWW symptoms 11dpo
- blah blah blah blah blah
I mean my best friend didn't even understand what a Two Week Wait WAS!!! She just knew, when I'm late, I test. No freaking out on the message boards, No taking multiple tests before it's due, posting the pictures and begging for someone (anyone) to confirm they see a shadow of a line (that I almost NEVER see) on your HPT taken on 8dpo. You see the lucky ones. Posting their progression pics. Little strips laid out on the counter, perfectly labeled with the day past ovulation (sometimes with the date and time seriously, how to they write so small and neatly?) that second line getting darker and darker each test. I know girls that took one in the WAL-MART bathroom, got their glaring pink line within seconds and tossed it (maybe taking a picture for documentation). Those girls never got "line-eye" They just peed, got a result and moved on. I wish I could be that girl.
I'm not, I couldn't be that patient. It was 9/10dpo (FF is confused depending on the "mode" it's in) so I tested.
Stark white internet cheapie. Not even a hint of a line. I should have just waited. I keep telling myself I'll wait and I don't. I'm a sucker and I fucking hate it!
If you care to symptom stalk with me here's what I've got: watery (I mean gushing) CM and congestion. That's it, boob pain went away today. Temps are still up so there's some hope I guess.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Weekends bring family...
And family bring questions.
We're finishing our basement and our families have been helping, since it's the weekend everyone is over.
So everyone has asked about us having a baby.
"finishing the basement for a playroom?"
"need to get the new carpet before you have a little one.. Doing that soon?"
"are you going to repaint the spare rooms or just wait until you're pregnant"
It's frustrating because I don't know what we're going to do yet. We are in a holding pattern until April when we see the doc. I don't know if we can schedule a week long camping trip in May. I don't know if I can go to Vegas in July, or OH in June. I just don't know.
I don't want to put my life on hold but I can't commit to something that might interfere with whatever treatment we might be doing.
Oh and to top it all off.. FF gave me crosshairs again.. Point ovulation on CD36. Seems late to me, I'm having a hard time believing that though.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Hurry up and wait
It seems like so much of this journey is waiting
We wait for AF to end, then we wait to ovulate.. Then the dreaded two week wait. We wait to test, wait for the lines and if it's a BFN... we wait for AF to start again.
Right now, I'm waiting for AF to start again.
Fertility Friend isn't being much of a friend. It seems with each passing morning, my temps are harder and harder to figure out. I have the app stumped. Did I ovulate? Signs are more and more pointing to no. Not sure what caused my temps to rise (if anyone is interested in my chart, I'll link it) but they did and have been "up" for 18days. That should mean today or tomorrow at latest I'll get my AF. All 7 of the tests I've taken have been negative. Stark white, not even a squinter, so my hope is lost for this cycle.
We'll rally the troops and start again next cycle (whenever that may be). I need to call the dr. We're supposed to start all my prelim testing but frankly, I haven't felt like it.
-h
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