My Body Is A Wonderland (and sometimes a horror house)

Welp, yesterday's random high temp was.... Option C!! I was hot. Those who guessed correctly win a prize*

My temp went back down, but still above coverline. (which I still don't trust because it's lower than last cycles). At this point I'm not sure what to think about my fucked up broken body. Not to mention starting last night I noticed I was tender to the touch right inside my right hipbone, which could mean I have something funky going on with meatwad's old house (you can read more about meatwad here and here) Just let me tell you how excited THAT idea makes me. UGH

I'm 6 days out from my appointment with Dr C. I'm still super nervous. I've got this whole list of things I want to ask him or discuss but I'm afraid we won't get to it all, or I'll forget, or something. I'm not nervous with meeting with him though, He's been my GYN since I was 15. He's my mom's, and both my sister's GYN. He delivered my niece AND my youngest brother and sister (the latter I was in the room for!) He's really kind, very soft spoken, has AMAZING bedside manner and knows all my history/family history. But I'm worried that his calm demeanor might mask the seriousness of what's going on.

Even when meatwad was removed, he was really nonchalant about the whole ordeal, which is good because it kept me calm. He has an air of confidence that doesn't even cross over into the realm of cocky. I'm lucky to have him. He's one of the most popular OB/GYN's in town. I'm also worried that if he can't help me, I'll have to change doctors and facilities. That makes me a little crazy, the thought of change and a stranger trying to fix me. What if s/he's an asshole? Or rude? Or like that Dr. from Knocked Up? It gets my heart racing just thinking about it.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. 8dpo, not a lot of symptoms, maybe didn't even ovulate, driving myself nuts... Welcome to my freakshow

-h

*prize to be determined at at later date, prize will not have actual value and my not even be a physical thing. The writer reserves the right to take back the prize if you're a jerk about it.

How well do you know your body?

Seriously, think about it. How much tracking have you done of every single flipping thing in the last 3 months? 6 months? Year?

If I asked you what your "symptoms" were on the 5th day of your cycle could you conjure up some chart, some app, some notebook that would tell you?

Do know you exactly what your O pain feels like? What position your cervix is in right before you start your period?

If asked, could you produce the EXACT dates of your last years of cycles? I know I can. I've been tracking for a long, long time.

I started well before I was TCC. And it started slow, just tracking my periods every month. Then I started tracking when I did the deed (no shit, I can tell you the exact dates I've had sex for the last 6 years, well I could, before my stupid phone crapped out, now I have to cross fingers I got that backed up to my SD card recently)

Then came symptoms. I was irregular so I thought maybe if I can remember exactly what days I started getting gassy, or crampy or my boobs felt like they had swollen up the size of my head, then maybe I could better predict when I'd start. Nothing to do with TTC, more about making sure I packed tampons when I needed them.

Then came the temping, every single morning I roll over and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I do anything else, I record it and usually fall back asleep until I can't waste anymore time without skipping a shower for work (and I've done it, I love my bed)

So now I have all this data and it's done me abso-fucking-lutely NO GOOD.

None of these things has helped me get pregnant. So is it a waste of time? Maybe. But I feel like I can control that. So I'll continue doing it until I just can't take it anymore.

It's awesome to know so much more about myself but it also makes me extremely jealous of people how just get pregnant. My little sister was like 16 weeks along when she found out... SIXTEEN WEEKS.

I start taking tests like 10dpo. How can you not know.. or at least suspect something for 16 weeks?!?!

It blows my mind.

Oh FF says I'm 7dpo, I had a huge temp spike today. Could mean a couple of things. A) I didn't O 7 days ago but O'd yesterday. B) I did O 7 days ago and implanted yesterday and will have one of the coveted triphasic charts C) I was hot last night

-h

It's all about the numbers and super cute bags

Nothing fun from me on April Fool's Day.. I'm super lame like that.
Today is 6dpo according to FF, with SOLID crosshairs might I add. Though my temps are still lower than last cycle so I'm leery. It's also 8 days until my dr appointment, which means my 2WW will/should end then. So, that could be fun. Maybe, probably not.

I have no symptoms. Nothing, nada, zilch. and last time, that meant I hadn't ACTUALLY ovulated, that FF was a big fat liar face. I'm attempting to keep hubs on a reg bd schedule just in case.. we'll see how that goes.

Oh, I'm having a Thirty-One bags catalog party (and by catalog, I mean online... SAVE THE TREES)

So, if you are familiar with their bags and need something, check it out, buy through my party and I'll love you forever (make sure you spend the extra for direct shipping as me hand delivering probably isn't an option)

If you HAVEN'T ever seen Thirty-One bags... click on over and empty your wallets. Seriously, adorable, super helpful shit over here!

LINK TO PARTY

Bad Blogger

As it turns out, I'm not that great of a blogger, especially when there isn't much to report! I'm counting down the days (9.5) until my doc appt to figure out where we go next. Today is CD26 and my handy dandy little app is trying to tell me it's also 5dpo. I'm not real convinced. My temps are lower than they were post ovulation last cycle by .5 or more but based on other signs like CM and CP. I've got solid crosshairs. Good news is, we managed to get a couple "sessions" in during that fertile window so IF it is right, we have a chance. I'm not getting my hopes up though.

The end of last week was incredibly busy at work. I mean like didn't have time to eat lunch busy and then my child free friend came to town and stayed the weekend at my house which means I'm about 5 days behind in catching up and reading all your blogs. I promise I'll catch up as soon as I can!!

I had a good lunch with my other bestie (the one with three kiddos) on Saturday. I was so relieved she didn't take me turning her down last weekend personally, I had been really torn up about it. We sat and chatted for about an hour just catching up and I aired a little of my frustration with the whole situation. It was nice to have someone just listen. And to hear her ask sincerely, "Well what do you need from me?" felt great. Even though there isn't anything she can do but listen, to know the offer is there warms my heart.

Oh, I coached soccer on Saturday. Somehow I got wrangled in to coaching 2 teams again this season so I have a 3-5yr old team and a 1st and 2nd grade team. They are great! Well most of them. I have this kid on my little team that's just an asshole. I really hate calling a 4 yr old an asshole but he is! He doesn't play well as a team, he's mean to the other kids, he's whiny, he talks back to me and his mom just sits there and plays on her phone. It's so frustrating!! Either way, both teams won! I was really proud of them.

So that's my update, sorry it's not more interesting :)

-h

Why do we do it?

Why do we stress, and symptom stalk, and test early (and often)? Why do we push ourselves to know RIGHT NOW? Why can't we just wait until that lovely time of the month doesn't come and pee on a stick to see two beautiful lines and blissfully waltz into pregnancy?

Instead we have to hit the internet every time something feels "off". Watery CM? Better check the internet. Pain in the side of boobs? Better check the internet. If you are anything like me your search history probably looks like:

• 10dpo watery cm BFP
• dizziness sign of early pregnancy
• how early BFP
• CD35 ovulation BFP
• TWW symptoms 11dpo
• blah blah blah blah blah

I mean my best friend didn't even understand what a Two Week Wait WAS!!! She just knew, when I'm late, I test. No freaking out on the message boards, No taking multiple tests before it's due, posting the pictures and begging for someone (anyone) to confirm they see a shadow of a line (that I almost NEVER see) on your HPT taken on 8dpo. You see the lucky ones. Posting their progression pics. Little strips laid out on the counter, perfectly labeled with the day past ovulation (sometimes with the date and time seriously, how to they write so small and neatly?) that second line getting darker and darker each test. I know girls that took one in the WAL-MART bathroom, got their glaring pink line within seconds and tossed it (maybe taking a picture for documentation). Those girls never got "line-eye" They just peed, got a result and moved on. I wish I could be that girl.

I'm not, I couldn't be that patient. It was 9/10dpo (FF is confused depending on the "mode" it's in) so I tested. 

Stark white internet cheapie. Not even a hint of a line. I should have just waited. I keep telling myself I'll wait and I don't. I'm a sucker and I fucking hate it!

If you care to symptom stalk with me here's what I've got: watery (I mean gushing) CM and congestion. That's it, boob pain went away today. Temps are still up so there's some hope I guess. 

Crosshairs are back

Now FF is saying I ovulated on CD36! My temps have been elevated and fairly steady for the first time this cycle!

I'm cautiously optimistic about this change. Today would be 8dpo with an implantation dip yesterday. My boobs started getting sore to the touch yesterday, more so today.

I can't decide if I want to waste more tests by starting to test 10dpo or just wait for my period to be late.

It's funny because I can still remember buying tests and begging them to be negative. I guess it was hard for me to remember some people (lots of people) bought them in hopes of that second line.

So what do we talk about while we wait? Hmmmmm..

Well basement finishing is coming along fine. Hubby got a new schedule at work.. 7 days on/7days off. And he works 12hr night shifts. So wed-fri I'll see him for about 40mins in the morning before I leave for work. The Sat-Sun he'll be sleeping all day. And Mon-wed back to the 40min each morning.. I'm really crossing my fingers that IF I have a next cycle, it's on his off week.. BDing before rushing to work is not my idea of a good time!

-h

Weekends bring family...

And family bring questions.

We're finishing our basement and our families have been helping, since it's the weekend everyone is over.

So everyone has asked about us having a baby.

"finishing the basement for a playroom?"

"need to get the new carpet before you have a little one.. Doing that soon?"

"are you going to repaint the spare rooms or just wait until you're pregnant"

It's frustrating because I don't know what we're going to do yet. We are in a holding pattern until April when we see the doc. I don't know if we can schedule a week long camping trip in May. I don't know if I can go to Vegas in July, or OH in June. I just don't know.

I don't want to put my life on hold but I can't commit to something that might interfere with whatever treatment we might be doing.

Oh and to top it all off.. FF gave me crosshairs again.. Point ovulation on CD36. Seems late to me, I'm having a hard time believing that though.

A Startling Realization

I was in the shower last night after my workout (if I can't be pregnant, I'll be fit) when it hit me:

I'll be over 30 when I have a child.

This was it, this was the last cycle I could have had a due date before my 30th birthday. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I looked back at all the huge plans I had at 18. I'd be married and have 3 kids by the time I was 30. I'd have a career (in what, I didn't know yet), a house, a dog and 3 kids.

I have the house, the husband, 2 dogs and a decent job but I'm severely lacking in the kids department.

I never really considered fertility problems until I was about 23 but no one in my family had any trouble so I really thought I had just been incredibly lucky. I mean, my mom had 3 kids by 25 and two more by 38 (she had 2 different "litters") My grandma.. Wow, twins at 14, 5 total by 22.. Now that's fertile!

And now here I am, knocking on 30's door with no baby in sight. And my dreams of 3 are washing away.

Oh, I made my Dr appointment, no openings in March (FML) so April 9 is when we'll figure out if clomid is where we're going to start.

Oh and FF completely killed my crosshairs, and since it's CD36 and I've got no signs of starting my period, I've had yet another anovulatory cycle... Go me!

-h

Hurry up and wait

It seems like so much of this journey is waiting

We wait for AF to end, then we wait to ovulate.. Then the dreaded two week wait. We wait to test, wait for the lines and if it's a BFN... we wait for AF to start again.

Right now, I'm waiting for AF to start again.

Fertility Friend isn't being much of a friend. It seems with each passing morning, my temps are harder and harder to figure out. I have the app stumped. Did I ovulate? Signs are more and more pointing to no. Not sure what caused my temps to rise (if anyone is interested in my chart, I'll link it) but they did and have been "up" for 18days. That should mean today or tomorrow at latest I'll get my AF. All 7 of the tests I've taken have been negative. Stark white, not even a squinter, so my hope is lost for this cycle.

We'll rally the troops and start again next cycle (whenever that may be). I need to call the dr. We're supposed to start all my prelim testing but frankly, I haven't felt like it.

-h

Crosshairs gone

As of this mornings temp.. Fertility friend dropped my crosshairs. Now I'm wondering if I even ovulated at all.

Le sigh

Holy O (well according to my temps)

According to my lovely Fertility Friend app I have actually ovulated!

On my own!

No meds!

For the first time since I've been temping, I actually have crosshairs on my chart! I'm excited about that, but trying to keep my hopes at a level I can handle. We did manage to get some lovin' done during the "fertile" phase so I guess I'm now actually in my 2 week wait.

It's weird, I think I actually felt ovulation on Friday night on my way home from work. A sharp pain on my left side (which would make sense since my right ovary doesn't cooperate at all). Honestly, I dismissed it as gas when it happened! My temps spiked Saturday and were elevated yesterday and today so I got crosshairs! Usually, my temps look like a kindergarten version of a mountain range, or alligator teeth.. Up down, up down up down down up down..but this month they have been more stable.

Now we've got steps 1 and 2 down.
1)do the deed
2)ovulate

Let's just see if the rest of the steps fall in place. Fingers crossed but I'm trying to stay realistic.