You can always adopt

How many times do we hear this phrase? How many people offer up this option as if it wasn't in the back of our minds the whole time? Do they think we're stupid? Like we have never heard of adoption?

One of my twitter ladies (tweeps? Tweeple? Twitters? Twits? Twats? wait, that last one is absolutely not right) brought up the subject today and it really had be thinking, is adoption a viable option for me?

I'm conflicted

Ultimately, I want to be a parent but a huge part of that experience in my mind is the entire pregnancy and birth. I struggle with the idea of becoming a parent in a less traditional way. I am not sure how I would react to being told that having a biological of my own was no longer an option. It would be heartbreaking. I've longed to have a child, to be pregnant, to see mine and hubs features on the face of a newborn. To not have that, the thing I've wanted for so long, be an option any longer would most assuredly require a grieving process. One that would possibly change me forever, one that I might not make it out of ok. Sure, I'm strong but this is so VITAL to my being, I'm not sure how I would react.

I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.

Would adoption be an option? I honestly doubt it. When adoption becomes our plan we will have exhausted all our options and most likely all our funds (barring me winning the Mega Millions tonight, $284mil and I'll cover treatments for a bunch of you). Will we be able to afford to adopt? We have already decided (though we reserve the right to change our minds) that we will not take out loans to become parents. We will not go into debt to bring a child into our lives. It's just not responsible (trust me, the emotional, non-rational side of me fights with just typing this, that side believes that no amount of money is too much) so if we can't afford it, will we fight to raise the funds or will we choose to live child-free?

I'm not sure, I don't know

There is so much uncertainty in our journey, so many unknowns and what-ifs. I just know, that when the time comes, hubs and I will make a decision we feel we can live with, one that works for us. And that's exactly how it should be.