Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Does the fear ever leave?

I've been luckier than most. I haven't struggled as long or endured as much as many have. But the fear is still very very real.

That fear of "What If"

It starts early:

  • What if we don't get pregnant right away?
  • What if I'm broken?
  • What if he's broken?
  • What if we have to take medicine?
  • What if we have to do IUI?
  • What if we have to do IVF?
  • What if we have to use donor eggs/donor sperm?
  • What if I can't carry?
  • What if we can't afford it?
  • What if we can't EVER have kids?
  • What if we can't afford adopt?
  • What if we can't handle the emotional strain?
  • What if we get a divorce because of this?
  • What if my life will never be the same?

Then you get that magic BFP:

  • What if it's a chemical?
  • What if it's molar?
  • What if it's a blighted ovum?
  • What if I start spotting
  • What if it's a MMC?
  • What if these cramps are serious?
  • What if my hormone levels don't stay where they're supposed to be?
  • What if there's something wrong?
  • What if there's a genetic issue?
  • What if there's no heartbeat?

I don't think it stops, ever.

I think every milestone will be followed by the million "what if's" that worry us. That keep us on the edge of cautiously optimistic.

Never fully giving in to the hope, never getting unabashedly excited. Always timid, always nervous.


  1. I was just thinking of you and hoping things were still progressing well. I am so very excited for you!

    1. Thanks! Scan is Friday and I'm soo nervous!

  2. I don't think it ever stops. You just have to learn to manage it. I think even after the baby is born there will be "Are they safe?" "Am I doing this right?" "What do they need?" "Are they happy?" etc….. You have to find those moments in-between the fear and focus on them as hard as you can. Embrace them. Pregnancy can be a wonderful thing. You won't always. You won't be carefree but you have to try to enjoy the ride. You worked so hard to get here. Lord knows I'm still trying to embrace it myself at 18 weeks. I keep saying I'll feel better after the first U/S, then I'll feel better after the 1st trimester, then the next dr appt will make me feel better, it's tough. It's tough. GL!

    1. Thanks! I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I won't stop worrying from now until the day I die now!

  3. I'm sorry you're dealing with this fear, and I wish you could just enjoy this pregnancy - worry free. Thinking of you.

  4. After my first BFP thanks to our second round of IVF I was scared to death this was my first ever pregnancy first ever positive never been more afraid in my whole life and I was scared and sad. I thought it was going to be like that the whole time but now here I am 15 weeks with a little boy and I could not be more excited or happy! I have bought things for him planning his nursery and its gone the fear is gone for me and now I just feel joy I hope the same happens for you we deserve to all feel this way so happy for you!!!

    1. I'm so glad you've been able to overcome the fear! That gives me hope!

  5. You are so right! The "What If's" suck! Hopefully one day we can all look back on our struggles and be relieved that we are past them! I try not to think about the "What If's". If life doesn't go according to our plan, then we will deal it and trust in God's plan. Things will work out in the end. I promise. :)

    1. Thank you! I'm working on not dwelling on them so much

  6. I don't think it ever stops, the questions just keep changing... I've had all those same thoughts and fears in my head. Just try not to let the fear overcome you and do your best to enjoy and embrace the process. It's all out of your control so try not to stress yourself out!

    1. I think you're right... we'll worry forever. Just have to learn to manage it!

  7. I'm at 17 weeks and it hasn't stopped. You will have days where you are absolutely giddy with happiness but worries have a bad way of creeping up on us. My advice is enjoy the good days and the milestones as much as you can. Keep reminding yourself that the odds are you will have a healthy pregnancy. Keep taking care of yourself!

    1. Thank you so much! I need to stay of Google... that leads to nothing but tears!