Diary 1/6

Today is a rough day. I'm feeling very discouraged and sad. It's our 2nd cycle of trying to make you and I don't think it happened, again. I try not to stress about it, but it's so incredibly hard because I want you so bad.

I want to watch my belly swell to grow you, I want to kiss your perfect toes and smell your sweet little head. I want to love you, and in some ways, I already do. I love the idea of you so much that I lay awake for hours when I shouldn't, wondering what you will look like.

Will you have your daddy's lips and long eyelashes? Will you have my long fingers and straight nose? Will your eyes be brown or green? I wonder if you will be a boy or girl, what will we name you, what color will we paint your room, which car seat will we strap in the back of the car?

You'll learn one day how much I pined for you, how I tried day after day to will you into existence. How every strange feeling, every sore breast, stray pimple, gassy night or stomach twinge had my hopes soaring. You'll never know though, how devastated I was each time I missed the boat. How I charted and obsessed over temps and mucuses and positions of certain body parts. How I dreaded needing help to get you here, long before I knew I wanted you. How I knew something was wrong, that I was broken that I might not be able to do the one thing I was supposed to do. You won't hear my stories of crying to sleep or getting depressed and having nowhere to turn. There are 3 types of women in the "mommy" world: those that do it easily, those who have struggled for years and the ones stuck in the middle, those who haven't been "trying" long enough to fit comfortably in either category. The type A mommies will just tell you to relax and it will happen. The type B mommies won't even hear your story because somehow, since you haven't (yet) had to go through what they've been through, your story, your hopes, your anxieties, your pain, isn't valid. They forgot in all their struggles where it started. They forgot the waiting before anyone would help even though they KNEW they would need it.