A little update- Second Trimester!

15 weeks today, 25 weeks to go. I'm still feeling great physically, still haven't been sick at all! It's still unnerving to not know what's going on in there.

I'm so incredibly grateful for a lovely twitter friend that passed along her doppler to me. It has given me solace the last couple days.

My roommate cousin and her son will be moving out next weekend! I'm so relieved to finally have my house back. Something about being pregnant has made me very territorial.

My grandma had a mini stroke yesterday. She's a feisty woman though and it was very minor. She's hoping to be out of the hospital today.

Hubs and I are still in a disagreement over finding out the gender of the baby. I don't want to, he insists we HAVE to know. I don't know what he thinks people did 30+ years ago. How did they ever survive?? I don't think it's a compromise for him to know and attempt to keep it from me. I feel like he'll slip and then I'll be angry with him. I need to find a way to articulate how important this is for me. EVERYONE is already bugging me about what it's going to be... and I keep telling them, "it's going to be a baby, what else matters?" It's making me really dig my heels in about NOT finding out. This is special and I don't want to feel like I have to share it with the world. I don't want my baby's life planned out before s/he's even born and that's always what seems to happen.

I'm "showing" now. It's not all baby but I can't "suck in" anymore without some pretty rad discomfort so I'm rocking maternity clothes daily. I've gotten 20 outfits (shirts and pants) for $40 from people selling their clothes online. I'm pretty please with that!

I tried to start a registry online last night... Got as far as deciding on a crib, panicked and closed the window. I'm not ready and it's overwhelming, I think I need help with that.


I've been following the blogs, popping in on Twitter, checking on everyone as I go. It's been difficult. It's a weird stage I'm in. I have such strong emotions that it's hard not to get sucked into every one's sadness and fears. I'm trying to support where I can and protect myself and Nugget when necessary. I feel like I've probably alienated everyone already.

Anyway... that's my quick and dirty update for anyone who's still listening!

13weeks? Already?

I'm officially 13 weeks today and still feeling fairly awesome! Besides the tiredness... and the waking up at 3am to eat and then not go back to bed, that part kind of sucks.

I'm taking a break from Twitter for awhile. It was getting overwhelming and I can't seem to keep my feelings in check so hubs strongly suggested that it might be best to take a little break and try and focus on me and Nugget for awhile. I don't think it's a bad idea but it's weird.

Things have been really great lately. I think the roommate has a plan to be out by mid-August which is a month before the deadline I gave her. She's been keeping more out of our hair as well so that's been good.

I did have a little work breakdown on Friday, apparently someone said I'd been "complaining" too much. Well here's the thing, it's my job to make sure shit gets done and when you don't do your part and I have to chase you for weeks, OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO SEEM LIKE I'M COMPLAINING. So now I'm trying to be so sweet it makes your teeth hurt to all these jackasses and take every single grievance to my boss so he can be the asshole for awhile.

I finally came out to my co-workers at our agency (they're in another location... state, timezone!!) that I'm pregnant and will be taking maternity leave. The one person I spoke with directly (I chickened out and emailed the rest) was so excited but also so nervous. Apparently I'm the example of my position that "no one worries about" so he's concerned about who will cover me and how they'll interact. I get it, it makes me nervous too!!

So now I'm totally out. To work, to my family, to Facebook, to the world. It is starting to feel a little more real. Especially now that I'm starting to get a little bump that isn't bloat!!

So that's my update. Hope all is well. I've been stalking from afar so if you haven't updated your blog, here's your friendly reminder!!!

Peace, Quiet and 200 days left

Let me start the post by admitting I'm horribly irritable lately. Like keep the hell out of my way or I'll lose my mind cranky. Little things turn into big things and big things are stab worthy. 

My cousin/roomate is getting on my LAST nerve. She's got to go and the sooner the better. I've given her a deadline of September but I'm really hoping it's more like early August. I doubt it though because her only option right now is going BACK to her grandma's... If they can get the drunkle out for good, but if they can't... she's got NO back up plan. This is so frustrating to me. How can you not want to have a plan B for yourself and your CHILD to not be homeless, or couch surfing? Wouldn't you WANT to have a place of your own so he could have a room to play in?

The kid is 5, he needs stimulation. He needs his own room, with room for his toys, he needs to be played with. She picks him up from school, takes him to the park for about 1.5 hrs until 5 or so when hubs gets up for work (and only because I told her they were waking him up hours early  and it wasn't acceptable) then she expects him to entertain himself for 4 hours while she sits and plays on her phone on the couch. She'll send him to the room to watch a movie or play on his tablet. It drives me INSANE, because of course he's going to come out and ask 8 thousand questions:

Can we go ride bikes?

Can we go play soccer?

Can I play on the playstation?

Can we paint?

Can we watch (insert movie of the week here)?

Over and over and over. and my patience starts to wear thin. Not with him and his questions but her response or lack there of... 

PLAY WITH YOUR DAMN KID 

Then we've got her dog... I don't like to say I hate dogs, but I'm really not a fan of this one. It started when he attacked my ducks, charging at their pen and he actually managed to bite one of them on the bill through the fence. Now he can't go outside unattended at all but instead of sitting out there with him for awhile, she lets him out long enough for him to do his business and then brings him back in. I get it, it's hot outside but he's a high energy dog, he needs to have an outlet or he's too hyper in the house.. and 3 large dogs "playing" in the house is like a herd of elephants. He also tries to jump the fence to get to the neighbors dog which he apparently doesn't like so he can't go outside while that dog is out or it will be non-stop barking and jumping at the fence. 

He's also a barker.. he barks at flies, he barks at cars, he barks at people walking down the street, he barks when the wind blows too hard. We've never had barking dogs and it makes it impossible for N to sleep during the day when the dog is barking at every little thing. And he's recently started barking at people. My stepdad is helping us finish painting the basement and the dog wouldn't let him in the house even after we gave the command to stop barking. I'm not okay with that in my house. He barked at me while I was coming down the hallway the other night for no reason. 

So she had plans to go to a friends house for the 4th yesterday and I asked  her if she was taking S (her dog) with her. She gave me this questioning look... I told her I wasn't watching her dog. Ours are freaked out enough with the fireworks, we were having people over and I couldn't have the risk of him barking at our guests or the responsibility of watching him each time we needed to put the dogs outside. I think I might have made her mad because she decided to go out of town to her mom's for the weekend. 

Frankly, it's been awesome. I hadn't realized how much her being here has changed they dynamics in my house. N and I got up and had breakfast at the table together he said "do you hear that?" I said, "what?? He said "exactly". Then, we laid on the couch and talked about the last week since we haven't had the chance to catch up, we napped on the couch, we hung out in our underwear. It was awesome. I've missed the time we have together just the two of us.

And we only have 200 days left for it to be just the two of us!! That's right, my handy dandy little app told me I've got 200 days until my EDD. 

I'm amazed by that fact. It's a long time but not so long at all...

I totally ran out of steam for this post after my rant... sorry I'm a shitty blogger.. thanks for reading if you've made it this far.  Enjoy this pic of a cat

When in doubt.. blog it out

Some strange things happening on the Twitters today and frankly, my feelings got hurt when maybe they shouldn't have.. or maybe they should have... I don't know. But it was fairly implied that my specific view on paid medical leave for caretakers (of children or parents) has now changed because I'm pregnant.

This was hurtful to me for a couple reasons

• The implication that I was discriminating against childless/childfree individuals
• The implication that I would have had less compassion for those caregivers had I not potentially become one of those

Here's the thing. I've watched friends lose their house because they didn't have enough leave to take care of their DYING daughter. A daughter with Batten Disease who was born without issue who quickly deteriorated before their very eyes. This was not and is not ok. 

I have another friend who is childless because she can't afford treatments for her IF because her mother had a stroke when she was 23 (she's now 36) and she's responsible for her care, both monetarily, physically and emotionally. She hasn't had a "vacation" in years because her "vacation" days are used up by mom's appointments and care. 

I would NEVER begrudge those people for getting more leave than me in order for them to take care of their ailing family members. 

Time off for caregiving is not an extra vacation. This is not a benefit for time spent in paradise. It's taxing work, time that would be gladly given up if their family member would just be well, cured, healthy, living.

The one thing I don't feel like 140 characters can cover is the need for better paid medical leave for all: Let's call this bucket A.

Bucket A covers YOU. This covers sick time for the flu, for the hangover, for the broken leg, for the cancer, for the IVF treatments... YOU! And everyone should be entitled to a much larger " bucket A" than we get in the USA now. 

My concern is a circumstantial bucket B: The emergency, someone needs my help and without time off and a continues paycheck that can't happen, bucket. This is paid time off if the situation arises that you have to be a caregiver for someone else... Be it a spouse, S/O, child, parent, etc. This shouldn't be combined with bucket A. I understand the need for limitations to this bucket, same as Bucket A,  but it should be a different bucket. Because if your mom has a stroke in January and you use up your time and then your appendix bursts in November, you shouldn't have to lose your job, or your car, or your house because you need recovery from surgery. 

And if you never "get" to use Bucket B because you don't have children, or your parents never get sick, or whatever.. you don't complain about someone else getting "more time off" You simply remember they aren't on vacation on a beach in Cabo, send them flowers, wish them and their family well and move on with your job. 

Because compassion for others shouldn't be dependent on you needing that exact same compassion. This is the type of argument that  routinely works against those struggling with infertility when it comes to medical coverage through insurance in the US. 

There are too many people saying "why should I help if I don't need that" and the answer is "because you help when you can, that's humanity" 

9 weeks

My nerves are calmed... I had my scan on Friday and Nugget is measuring right on target and his/her little heart was beating away at 180bpm.

I won't post pics but just know Nugget pretty much looks indistinguishable from every other 8w3d fetus... Big head, little arms, very alienish.

I finally told my parents so that was cool. My little sister cried more than I did! Everyone has been so great!

Apparently as much as I sucked at GETTING pregnant, being pregnant isn't hard for me. I've been so lucky to be healthy, no sickness, no real issues at all. I know I'm lucky and I'm not taking that for granted at all.

PG friend is not so lucky, she's been miserable since 3 days before she found out. Nauseous, not able to eat, diarrhea, super exhausted, not able to leave the house and now the vomiting. I worry about her, she is a tiny girl to begin with, I hope it doesn't last long for her.

In other news, the cousin/roommate hasn't made much progress in the way of finding a new home which is becoming problematic. I need that room for a nursery, and frankly, I'm really irritable right now so the extra people/animals etc is just getting on my nerves! I'm trying to figure out how to give her a deadline without coming across as mean. I'm so blunt and upfront, some people take it really personally and I don't mean to be mean!

Anyway... that's it for now.

I love the all the Twits

But it's days like today that terrify me.

So many of my online clan have gotten terrible news over the past 3 days. From BFNs, to awful beta's to miscarriages. I'm heartbroken for every single one of them.

It's so hard to stay positive sometimes. It's hard not to be gripped by the fear. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me too. I want to be there for all of them. I want to hold their hands, buy them a drink and promise them it will all be ok... I want to be able to keep that promise. It's just so unfair.

I'm so nervous for Friday's scan. I'd like to just fall asleep and wake up on my way there. My whole life is hinging on that little heartbeat and if it's not there... I just don't know what I'll do.

I've been so lucky this far and there's nothing I can do but cross my fingers that my luck holds out and Nugget is growing just like s/he's supposed to.

Does the fear ever leave?

I've been luckier than most. I haven't struggled as long or endured as much as many have. But the fear is still very very real.

That fear of "What If"

It starts early:

• What if we don't get pregnant right away?
• What if I'm broken?
• What if he's broken?
• What if we have to take medicine?
• What if we have to do IUI?
• What if we have to do IVF?
• What if we have to use donor eggs/donor sperm?
• What if I can't carry?
• What if we can't afford it?
• What if we can't EVER have kids?
• What if we can't afford adopt?
• What if we can't handle the emotional strain?
• What if we get a divorce because of this?
• What if my life will never be the same?

Then you get that magic BFP:

• What if it's a chemical?
• What if it's molar?
• What if it's a blighted ovum?
• What if I start spotting
• What if it's a MMC?
• What if these cramps are serious?
• What if my hormone levels don't stay where they're supposed to be?
• What if there's something wrong?
• What if there's a genetic issue?
• What if there's no heartbeat?

I don't think it stops, ever.

I think every milestone will be followed by the million "what if's" that worry us. That keep us on the edge of cautiously optimistic.

Never fully giving in to the hope, never getting unabashedly excited. Always timid, always nervous.