The many faces of Post Partum Depression

Returning to work was hard for me. I came back on a Wednesday, as recommended by every website out there. Don't do a whole week your first week, it's rough on you they say. Turns out, even a half week is rough too.

I spent the Monday and Tuesday prior to my return crying on my baby's head all day. It's not right you know, to leave your infant. Every single fiber of my being was screaming at me to not leave. It's not like he was going to a strangers though, I mean he was with my mom and home with N it should be fine. Thousands upon thousands of women do it every year. It's the new normal.. it's okay, we'll be okay.

I thought I was okay. I didn't cry that whole first week, or most of the second. but right around the 10th day I had to kiss my happy smiling baby goodbye and then hear that he was crying and fighting sleep for my mom, I lost it.

When I say lost it, I mean I cried for about 4 hours every day. I cried on my way to work, I cried every pump session, I cried on my way to get him. He cries a lot too. He misses me, as soon as we get home each evening he nurses until he falls asleep... usually 2 or 3 hours straight of nursing. I take comfort in that, the re-connection, the bonding.

2 weeks ago it was really bad. N worked on Tuesday night and Ollie had an appointment at 3:40 on Wednesday afternoon so the plan was for my SIL to come over and watch O at our house while N slept for a few hours, then they would meet me at my work and we'd go to the appt together... That plan flew out the window when my baby screamed for 3 hours straight and refused his bottle. N had to drive him out to me (I live 45 mins from work). I climbed in the backseat, unbuckled my red, screaming, now hoarse baby and nursed him while wiping the sweat off his little head. He sighed and moaned as he ate and it broke my heart into a million pieces.

He was fine now that he was with me. My inconsolable baby was now consoled but I couldn't be there for him every day. It's not feasible to bring him to me every time he's upset. I'm starting to cry now just thinking about it.

Last week I got in fight with N on my way home from work. I was crying again, upset that I was forced to be away from my baby for 55 hours a week. He wasn't very supportive, attempting to be logical when I just wanted him to listen. I snapped at him hard. He ended the conversation with a recommendation to call my dr. He was right.

See post-partum depression isn't the same for everyone. Some people have aversions to caring for their baby, they feel trapped at home, tied down by the new little human dictating their every move. But me? I feel trapped at work, unable to care for him, the way only a mother can. I feel that NO ONE is doing it right without me there to watch, no one can hold him, or burp him correctly. No one else can soothe him like I can. And more obviously, no one can nurse him. I fell into a pit of despair that I will miss EVERYTHING, his first laugh (which I did already miss), first roll, first steps, first word. The odds of me being there when I only spend 4 waking hours with him a day are slim. That notion is more than just a bummer... it's completely unacceptable.

Compounding my sadness is anger. While I was on leave, a lot of things changed at work. I thought they might but I wasn't prepared to be told that I could no longer work remotely and then to not be given a reason why. I was counting on being able to spend at least one day working from home, as I have since I started. To help break up the time he's away from me, even if he's being watched by my SIL or N while I'm in our office at home. He can be brought to me to eat, I can go to him to calm him, to put him down for his naps but that's no longer an option and I'm not given a reason.. I'm an adult... I don't do well with "because I said so"

So I spend 30-45 minutes 3 times a day pumping in an office trying not to worry about having enough for the next day, watching videos of my little man to help coax my milk out. I hate every single second of it.

My dr put me on some meds, they're supposed to kick in around week 3... I have the card of a counselor in my wallet... I haven't called yet.

Birth Story part 3: It's a....

"What is it?"

Those were my first words after I heard my baby cry. I was waiting on N to say something, that was the plan anyway but he wasn't so a nurse said, "It's an Oliver". Then they took him away to do all that crap they have to do. I stared at him, my little boy, while they wiped him down, poked his little foot and weighed him.

While they were doing that, my doc popped up and let the student have the pleasure of delivering my placenta.. Now let me tell you something, the moment that placenta leaves your uterus it's like the biggest relief in the world. I mean WOW. I though pushing out the baby was getting rid of pressure but that thing slid out and it was like my entire body exhaled a breathe it had been holding forever. 

The nurse said "You just gave birth to a football player!" How big is he? 

Oliver is a whopping 9lbs 3oz and 21 inches long. All I can think is I'm so glad I didn't give him another week to pack on a half a pound!

N was in charge of photos and frankly, he sucked. Most of them are blurry and I found out later that he was taking selfies with the GoPro while I was pushing.. he's lucky I love him even more lucky that none of them turned out... I've never been so happy there isn't a flash on that damn thing

So there you have it. An induction story with a happy ending.

12 hours from water breaking till Oliver entered the world. No C-section needed (no stitches either, I tore so slightly that my doc preferred to let it heal naturally)

We hung out just the 3 of us for almost an hour then let family back so they could finally go home. I sent my mom to IHOP.. I needed food like NOW. 2 slices of french toast, 2 strips of bacon 2 eggs (scrambled with cheese) and hashbrowns with cheese.. and I ate every single bite.

N when home to let the dogs out and get some sleep. My mom stayed with me. Nurse 8ft helped me out of bed to go to the bathroom and clean up. Not going to lie.. when I left that bathroom it kinda looked like a scene from Dexter. 

When they tell you those mesh underwear are awesome.. they aren't lying. I love those things. I wish I had gotten about 10 more pair. I tried to stand long enough to dress Oliver in his gown but I got too light headed so my mom had to finish. Then of course they made me hang out longer to check my bp. 

Once they were satisfied, I was finally wheeled to the postpartum room. It was 3am and I was exhausted and I wanted this GD IV catheter OUT OF MY ARM. They said I needed to keep it to get my RhoGam. The HELL I DO, i'll take that shot right in the ass like I did the first time.. TAKE IT OUT SO I CAN HOLD MY BABY WITHOUT PAIN. (I was seriously pissed about it... I have a SCAR now)

I took Oliver and we snuggled but I'll admit, I made them take him to the nursery for a couple hours while I slept. It was a short sleep, he was a hungry little dude and wanted to eat often!

N came back in the morning with food and the crap we left at home. He finally got to talk about the birth. He wanted to confirm that I didn't feel guilty or bad about taking the epidural. As I thought about it, I realized that no, I didn't. I was ok with the way it went. It wasn't perfect, but it was ok.

He told me that the few seconds it took him to cry seemed like the longest ever. N is a paramedic, he's actually delivered 6 babies in less than ideal conditions, he KNOWS they don't cry, he KNOWS they are all a little blue at first but he said he was glad I didn't look at him because he was terrified. His exact words were "If no one got my baby to cry, I was going to intubuate him myself"

Turns out, N looked too.. he said he wasn't going to look when the baby was coming out, but he couldn't help himself. He was also surprised I was up walking around, they were a little rough yanking Ollie out when he got stuck one arm in, one arm out! I felt good. I kept up on my Motrin and didn't even need anything stronger my entire stay. That day was a whirlwind of visitors and gazillions of pictures

And then that night we were alone again. It didn't make sense to me to have Nick stay at the hospital and sleep on a couch when home was just 10 minutes away so he went home again. I chose to send Oliver to the nursery for one more three hour stretch and attempted to sleep. He came back in when he was hungry and ate like a champ... I was having pain though but everyone told me it would take some time for my nipples to "toughed up" so I brushed it off.

I'll never forget that first night when he screamed. I mean, cut loose WAILING it was 3am and I have NO CLUE what set him off. I changed him, he screamed, I attempted to feed him, he screamed. I stripped him naked to see if something was bugging him, still screaming. So there I was, a mom for less than 48 hours alone in a hospital room, topless holding a naked screaming baby. To be honest, I thought a nurse would check on us any second... they don't really just leave you alone do they? Don't they know I have no clue what I'm doing? Turns out, a little skin to skin and swaying goes a long way with my little guy, and he made sure I knew that upfront!

The next day, we were allowed to head home. He was only down to 8lbs 10oz but they were convinced (despite an awesome bilirubin number) that he was jaundiced... So we have to bring him back in 2 days just in case (BTW, not jaundice, he's tan... he's got hispanic blood in him, duh)

So there it is... the ending to the birth story!! I can't decide if I'll keep it all here for updates or move everything over to the wordpress blog... I'll let you know :)

Birth Story Part 2 - The Induction

So there we were, in a hospital room with a bouncy, happy nurse helping me into my lovely hospital gown. Little Ms. Bouncy Happy quickly turned into my MORTAL enemy. See I have really rolly crappy veins for IVs in my left arm. I get it, it's supposed to be better for them to not be in your dominate arm but that side sucks, they always miss and then I bruise. I tell her this, she started to go for my right and then said, "You know, I think I can get that side, it looks ok." NOT OKAY!! It rolls on her so she spent what seems like 10 minutes digging around, finally go it and can't get the thing on fast enough so I'm bleeding ALL OVER THE FLOOR. Listen, I'm usually not squeamish, I give blood fairly regularly, but feeling my hot blood dripping down my hand almost makes me puke. (I should have... right on her shoes). I'm staring at N (who happens to be one of the best IV getters ever due to his job) like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Then she gets the damn thing taped down and the hub is pressed too tight in my skin. This thing bugged me the ENTIRE time.

My parents are chomping at the bit to come up so I allowed it. Everyone takes turns coming in to say hello and chat about how awesome this is, we're having a baby soon!!  Then, at 11:15 my doctor arrives. He explains the induction process and checks me. I am still at a 3 and 85% effaced so at 11:30am, he breaks my water.

Now I've been told HORROR stories about how painful getting your water broken is, but I didn't even know that's what he was doing. All of a sudden I just felt like I was peeing EVERYWHERE. Ugh, that sensation makes me feel gross just thinking about it. They started the pitocin and I was left to labor. I send my mom to the store to get more yarn for the blanket I started crocheting the night before. Mainly to get her out of my room, she is starting to bug me. N ate some lunch and took a little cat nap.

By 12:30 the contractions are starting to get stronger, my pain is bearable, maybe a 3 at the peak of the contactions. My dad watches the contraction monitor and makes snarky jokes about how "that wasn't a bad one".. I normally just roll my eyes but now I'm starting to get stabby. I can't get comfortable, my hips are taking the pressure of each contraction and I need to get out of the bed. I send Ms. HB to go get a birthing ball and N to fetch ice and popcicles. My best friend ever shows up and even though I've kicked everyone out, I need here there.

Ms. HB brings in the peanut shaped birthing ball and covers it with 2 pads and what seems like 100 towels, the gushing of my water gets worse when I stand. It leaks all over the floor when I get up, I need a pad and underwear on, NOW. That really grosses me out. Ms. HB assures me she's seen worse, doesn't she understand I don't CARE about her feelings.. I just don't like it! I get on the birthing ball, N sits in front of me on a stool so I can lean forward on his knees, Nicole sits behind me on the bed and rubs my exposed back with a cool wash cloth in between contractions and pushes HARD on my lower back during them. The counter pressure feels AWESOME. If my legs didn't hurt, I could labor here for awhile, things are still bearable except for my feet. My ankles are so swollen that any movement that causes them to bend, is very painful, they feel like they are going to split open.

Seriously, look at how fat that ankle is down there!

My contractions are getting stronger, during one really hard one I attempt to hand N my cup of ice chips but drop them all over the floor. This makes me irrationally angry. I'm so irritable, between the lack of ice chips and the contractions grossing me out with the forceful gushing of fluids, I'm starting to lose my cool. I want to stand or squat but my feet and legs hurt so bad. I have to get in the bed. Now I'm stuck, laboring on my back the LAST thing I wanted. It's so hard, nothing can relieve the pressure, I can't move, I can't shift with the contractions. Everything my body wants to naturally do to relieve the pain I can't do because of how swollen my lower half is.

At 3:30 pm I tell N I want the epidural, it hurts too bad. He reminds me (as he was instructed to do) that I don't want it. I tell him I'm dead serious and he offers the narcotic once first to see. I agree and call Ms. HB and tell her to bring the drugs. I'm told that this is supposed to not necessarily lessen the pain, but just make me not care about the pain. This is bullshit. If anyone attempts to tell you that, throat punch them immediately. The only thing it did was make me want to sleep between my contractions, but given that they were 4 minutes apart, that wasn't an option. My eyelids were heavy, I felt drunk but the contractions still hurt like a SOB!!

At 5pm I said F it, bring in the epidural. Around 530 they do, the force N to sit in a chair while the do it instead and Ms. HB holds my hand instead. It only takes a few minutes (my notes for this story say "Holy awesome feeling") and the relief was instant. I can't feel my legs after a minute so that pain is gone too. The baby isn't a huge fan of the epidural though, we have a couple of touchy moments where the heart rate dips, they put the oxygen mask on me and we're good to go.

6pm: They check me again, I'm finally 100% effaced and at a 6 they give me a catheter since I'm no longer allowed out of the bed. The epidural allows me to cat nap, it's a welcome relief since the cath is uncomfortable and my mother is driving me BONKERS.



7pm: I'm at a 7 and I'm STARVING. My stomach is making lots of loud "FEED ME" sounds. I'm already sick of ice chips and popcicles. I wait until shift change for the nurses and make N sneak me some crackers. I need something in my system or I won't have the strength to do this.

My notes end there so the rest of this is purely from memory, it might need a couple rounds of editing before it's correct.

I was progressing at 1cm an hour. I remember getting out the blanket I was working on and crocheting a couple rows

I finally finished this the night before i returned to work so 11 weeks later :)

I remember napping a little and I remember kicking everyone out around 9:40. I was starting to feel the need to push. It wasn't terrible, but it was there. I told the nurse (not Ms. HB but a new one.. she was like 8 ft tall) She went and got another nurse and they dropped the end of the bed and got the stirrups out. The put N on my left side, and said we'd do some practice pushes. We started "practicing" at 10pm. Practicing rolled into actually pushing around 11pm. They brought in the whole team a couple more nurses, my dr and the student he had with him. I remember them asking if I wanted the mirror down... NO THANK YOU.

They asked if we had names picked out and I told them both our boy name and girl name. Everyone was so excited to see what we would have. I was pushing on my back, I was bitching about the IV in my arm. They kept telling me to tuck my chin to my chest but also telling me to breathe (Ummmm, you can't breathe that way!!!) I could feel most everything. I hadn't pushed the button for my epidural so I could finally lift and move my legs but it was too late, I was stuck on my back.

I got the worst advice ever.. push toward the light... Hey bitch, that light is on the ceiling... how about we change this up and let gravity help? No? Damn it... damn my swollen legs ruining this for me. They kept telling me to push and I kept pushing and pushing and pushing.

The next thing I know the nurses are screaming at me to push, and "helping" me by pushing on my stomach. I can HEAR my stomach growling I'm so freaking hungry, who denies food to a woman about to go through all this? This is cruelty. I can feel my doctor yanking, hard. I scream out "OH Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk"

Then all of a sudden there is a warm and gunky blob placed on my tummy.

My first instinct is to grab it, scoop it up and bring it to me, I can't get a grasp on it though. It's not crying why isn't it crying... Oh wait, there it is! That little scream breaks me, I cry for the first time. I hear myself say "What is it?"


(to be continued)

Birth Story Part 1 - The final appointment

Well here it is, my birth story. Almost a full 12 weeks after it happened.

At 8:30 am on 1/14 I headed out to my 39 week appointment. N had to work his 7 nights straight starting that night so he was passed out at home.

As I stepped on the scale at my appointment, I knew there was going to be trouble.. I was up a full 7 lbs from the previous week. There wasn't a place on my body that wasn't swollen, my feet were balloons and even my trusty slippers were too tight!

The nurse took my BP and it was high, so she had me relax on my left side and took it again. It came down but I could see the concern on her face. The dr came in, and said, "How much of a hassle would it be to go over to Labor and Delivery right now?" My heart jumped, or sank or something my first words were, "Can I go home and get my husband first so we only have one car here?"

I had developed Pre-E... After flirting with it my entire 3rd tri, there it was at 39 weeks, the protein in my urine was the clincher. I was being induced today. I called N, he groggily answered the phone and I said, "Go ahead and get up and get in the shower, I'm on my way home to pick you up, we're going to have a baby today"

I contemplated calling my family the whole way home. We had talked about not telling anyone until the baby was born, see I love my mom, but she drives me nuts and I really didn't want the pressure of a bunch of people sitting in the waiting room all day. Inductions can take a really really long time. So I called my friend in OK to let her know, I had to tell someone... we've waited for so long and the baby would be here, a real baby that I could kiss and snuggle and hold, would be here soon!

I got home and N was moseying around the house at a snails pace getting ready. I was moving a thousand miles a minute (at least it felt that way, but looking back at how large I was... there's no way I was moving faster than a turtle with 3 good legs myself) Here is the last picture I have of me with my nugget tucked away inside

Turns out, N had drank some Nyquil Z in order to sleep the day away... great my hubs was going to be more drugged up than me for this birth!

We stopped and got him a coffee (note to self: If you EVER have to do this again, get food... all the food you can eat at this point).

We checked in to the hospital at about 10:30am and decided that we would alert our families once we got in a room just in case something were to happen. (Mistake.... total mistake, I should have kept my big fat mouth shut)

38 weeks

Well here it is. The 38th week! I'm amazed, excited, nervous, terrified, elated and a whole list of other emotions all rolled in to one! It has been an amazing journey thus far, my pregnancy complaints are minimal and the good outweighs that little bit of bad by thousands!

As I lay here on the couch (because I'm lazy) and watch my little Nugget roll and stretch in my belly I'm forever grateful of my situation. I know that not everyone will get to experience what I have and that breaks my heart.

I'm so thankful for all the amazing people that I've met along the way. My twitter friends are some of the best "strangers" I know!! Some are already parenting, some are VERY close to it, some have recently become pregnant and some are still finding their path. I love each and every one of them and I can't wait to see what happens next, for all of them!

I don't exactly know where to go with this blog, After updating everyone of Nugget's birth, it will likely fall into the long list of abandoned IF blogs. It seems to be the natural way of things.

I appreciate all of you that still check in on me, you can always find me on twitter @willbabymake3!

29 weeks! A long overdue update

29 weeks. I can't believe it, I'll have a baby, in my arms, in less than 3 months. I am amazed and humbled every day.

Nugget is progressing perfectly. Our 20w scan was great, everything looked just as it should and we managed to keep the sex a secret.

I've gained too much weight for my liking but honestly, I'm ok with it. I can lose the weight I just want to enjoy every single bit of this! No weird cravings but I'm still a HUGE fan of cereal and baked potatoes (not at the same time of course). I never got sick, I get heartburn if I don't eat often enough and I swell a little if I'm on my feet too much but my wedding ring still fits!

Nugget is head down with his/her little face smooshed into my anterior placenta by my right hip bone and feet up right under my ribs. We had a 3D ultrasound yesterday, I'll post pics once I get them downloaded to the computer!! We have a lot of active time first thing in the morning and around 5-6pm and again right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. N is still weirded out by touching my belly directly but I snuggle up behind him at night and he gets the crap kicked out of his back while I sleep through it :P

I've had a couple of emotional outbursts but they were so insane that I was LAUGHING while I was CRYING because I knew it was ridiculous. One of these happened in the middle of Lowe's... and one happened when N laughed at me because I couldn't roll over quickly and got semi-stuck!!

We made the insane decision to basically remodel our whole house. All new paint in every room but the bathrooms, all new carpet and finish the basement. It's been crazy but great and I'm so glad we did it. Especially the carpet, that old stuff was GROSS!!!

I'm still pushing off doing the nursery. I know I need to get it done as I'm starting to run out of time BUUUUUT I feel like everything is moving too quickly!!! If I had it my way, I'd stay pregnant for another 5 months or longer!!!

My sister and best friends threw me an adorable shower. I don't have my pics back yet but will post those soon too. It was a rustic honeybee theme and it was AWESOME minus the fact that the only one from N's side to show was his step mom... That was pretty sad. We got a crib, our travel system, a mamaroo, and a ton of little essentials. Oh and N's sister threw him a diaper party the week before and we got a TON of diapers so that's great!

Ummmm what else. Oh work sucks, that's a whole other post. Maybe I'll blog that one out to get it off my chest!

So that's my super fast, not even proofread update!!

18 weeks, seriously?

It seems like time is starting to fly by now. Gone is the lingering dread that I carried for so long and it's refreshing to have that weight lifted.

I'm still overwhelmed by thinking too far ahead. Planning a shower, starting a registry, it's all too much some days so I just put it off. Probably not the best of ideas but it is what it is.

Work has been a disaster lately. I'm really stressed out here, I feel like I have too much on my plate some days and I'm really concerned that they don't seem to want to talk about me going on leave for 3 months. I'm worried that they'll half ass it and I'll come back to a disaster.

Hubs is about to lose his overtime opportunities so that's been a little stressful. Currently he picks up 4 extra shifts per month and that is almost an extra $1000 that we're putting to the house remodel and other things we need to get done.

We've decided to go see his mother in October. I'm not really looking forward to that because she and I don't really get along but it will be nice to get away for a little bit.

So that's my totally uneventful update. Sorry I suck